Ian Anderson

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“What do you mean, living in the past?”
~ Ian Anderson on Jethro Tull
“I was too young to rock and roll, and I was actually too young to die, too. This is bullshit!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jethro Tull
“Ian is not dead, he just smells funny.”
~ Frank Zappa on Ian Anderson
“Hell yeah!!!”
~ Ian Anderson on tight pants

Ian Anderson relaxing at home (circa 1995)

Ian Scott Anderson, MBE (born 10 August 1947) is a Scottish singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist, best known for his work as the leader and flautist of British rock band Jethro Tull.

Anderson is mostly credited with inventing the flute with which he performed with an old bum guy known as Aqualung in a band known as Jethro Tull, who was the lead singer and a former agriculturalist. Incidentally, he created the flute by accident, while attempting to invent the seed drill with Tull, the flute was an unfortunate unsuccessful first attempt. However, it led Anderson to become a member of a great classic rock band. Nowadays, he is known for being too old to rock and roll but too young to die.

Seed Broadcast Methodology

While Anderson and Tull first started developing the seed drill, Aqualung was sitting on a nearby bench, eying children with bad intent. Whilst knawing on a piece of steel and attempting to find some food, Aqualung broke a tooth, in surprise, the steel bar flew into Anderson. The drill Tull and Anderson had been working on punctured several holes in the bar while blunting the brand new drill.

Aqualung came rushing over in horror of what he did and picked up the bar. Needless to say, Anderson and Tull were very angry at Aqualung, and confiscated the steel bar. With a quick look in the bar, Anderson saw that There really was food in the bar. Shocked, Anderson took a deep breath a blew into the bar, a sweet sound emerged after the food came flying out of the other end and hit Aqualung. Both parties were delighted and formed a band named after Tull.

Agricultural Improvements of the 18th Century

They recorded several famous albums. Among which are Thick as a Brick, mostly known because it only had one song on the whole album. That one song was widely acclaimed to be too short and the St. Cleve Chronicle (a newspaper which has since gone out of business) dedicated a Sunday paper to discuss how an eight-year-old could have written the song. Another famous album, Aqualung, named after the band member, spoke of Aqualung's life before the band and his near death experiences.

Ian Anderson was pronounced insane soon after the peak of Jethro Tull's success, and was sentenced to ten years in a mental asylum. While conventional insanity testing methods suggested Anderson was sane, there were two simple reasons why Anderson was definitely insane:

1. He thinks the flute is the most important instrument in rock music.

2. One of his friends is a fucking aqualung. Yeah, that's right, the breathing apparatus. Anderson claimed Aqualung was a person's nickname, but this was proven wrong after several public sightings of Anderson drinking beer with an aqualung.

He has the biggest dick in the world!

After Anderson's incarceration and subsequent release he became a heavy drinker. He was always trying to find re-acceptance with a musical crowd who had transitioned to Disco and left him behind. That is, until Ian was introduced to cocaine. He tells the story that Jethro Tull (at this point 100 years dead) returned to him as an ethereal form and cut out mad lines of fire blow. It is unknown whether this may be due to the fact that his drug dealer, for all intents and purposes, completely resembles a winged rhesus monkey.

With this important tool in hand and nostril, Anderson absconded to California and started a new group, "The Starshine Melody Seed-Drill Experience." He rapidly hit the disco circuit, creating such amazing hits as "Stayin' Alive," "Disco Duck," and even wrote "We Built this City" for Jefferson Starship. Unfortunately, a time machine guided by Einstein from the future stopped Anderson dead in his tracks. Special Agent Tanya and other assorted Red Alert 2 units emerged and one-by-one seduced him, orally pleasuring his flute with Tanya's juicy lips and the cold hard titanium reflector of the prism tanks. Anderson's path changed such that he retained his arrogance, gained 550 pounds (68% of which are being stored in Z-Space thanks to the combined efforts of the Animorphs in book #330), and went on to join the Navy and die on his way to training when his ship, the Lusitania, sunk.

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