I know where you live

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Detective
I don't need a private detective to know what you've been getting up to.

I know where you live, I've spent a lot of time watching you. I like watching you, I like watching other people too, including children. Children are fun to watch.

Watching

I've been watching you for a very long time now, you still haven't seen me though. I've watched you going home at night, I've watched you in your house and I've watched you outside too. I've watched you getting undressed at night. I've watched you while you were in your bed sleeping and I've watched you getting dressed in the morning.

I've watched you while you eat, I've watched you chundering. I've watched you picking your nose. I even know what you did last summer.

I've seen you in the bathroom, I like watching you in the shower, washing your privates. I've seen you on the toilet doing a dump, you really do make some funny faces when you're squeezing out a hard one.

Methodology

CCTV
I don't need CCTV to know the mucky shit you've been up to.

You still don't know who I am do you? You haven't seen me, but you should have heard of me at least, I'm quite notorious after all.

You don't really understand how I could have seen you doing all your private stuff around your house do you?

You think maybe I've got some secret surveillance devices in your house? Or perhaps that I've put a bug on your computer to turn your webcam on without you knowing? Well you're wrong. I don't need cameras or telescopes or bugs to know what you have been getting up to.

I know what you're thinking

Fortune-top
I'm not a fucking psychic.

I have seen you crying yourself to sleep because you are lonely, because you're paranoid that your friends don't really like you all that much. I can tell you that you were right to doubt your friends, they are an unreliable bunch of tossers because they are just as ignorant, selfish and self centred as you are. I know because I've been watching them too.

I've seen you betray your so called friends, telling their secrets, big secrets, stuff they told you in confidence. Stuff you promised you'd never repeat, only to go off and tell other people about your so called friend's humiliating personal secrets to get a cheap laugh.

I've even been watching you during your intimate moments with yourself, OK, you witless fool, when you were wanking. What is worse for you, I know what you were thinking about while you were doing it. I am disgusted, you should not be thinking about doing that to anybody, let alone to them you sick creep.

So you think I'm some kind of psychic now do you? Well you're wrong again. Psychics are a bunch of fucking charlatans. I know because I've been watching them too.

Reason

You are rightly upset that the privacy you thought you had doesn't really exist, that there is someone out there who knows all your mucky little secrets, (yes even that one you sick little puppy).

You want to know why I've been watching you don't you? What's so important about me that would make this voyeuristic creep want to watch so much? That's what you're thinking.

Well I'll tell you why I'm doing it then, since you seem unable to work it out for yourself.

It is my job to watch you. If I didn't know all the shit you've been doing how could I sit in judgement over you at the end of your worthless life?

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