I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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One tree hill
From left to right: Seth, Summer, Ryan, Marissa and... um... the fat one.
“Is this.. is this the OC? I've lost track. It's all so mind-numbing.”
~ Oscar Wilde on teen dramas

This popular catchphrase comes from the TV show One Tree Hill. Anyone remember One Tree Hill? No? It was like the OC, but it had basketball in it. Actually, that may be the only difference. Hold on a second, surely network executives can't just be making copies of mindless teen dramas and passing them off onto the unsuspecting public? This can't be right!

One Tree Hill

One Tree Hill chronicles the high school adventures of Ryan, Seth, Marissa and Summer as they burn down houses, shoot each other, rape each other and experiment with lesbianism. Initially popular among Fox's coveted 'IQ under 75' demographic, the show subsequently did poorly, and resorted to killing one of its main characters every season finale. After lasting for an agonising 11 seasons, the show was finally axed by Fox, though all twenty of its loyal fans prefer to think of it as being "put down". The show had two spin-offs. The first featured a minor character named Dawson who always got himself into trouble, and was instantly recognisable by his catchphrase "now I'm really up sh*t creek without a paddle". The show was appropriately named Dawson's Creek. The other spin-off followed ex-actor Joey Triviani as he moved to Beverly Hills. This spin-off was named Beverly Hills 90210, because this is the number of years it feels like the show has been on for. Two further spin-offs, One Tree Hill: Miami and One Tree Hill: NY are in the planning stages.

The emOC

Emoc2
The original series. Still vacuous, but proud of it.

The first series of The OC was originally titled The emOC, designed to appeal to the My Chemical Romance generation. However, after MCR sued Fox for infringement of copyright, claiming they had invented emo, the series name was changed, because the greedy capitalist fatcats didn't want to pay a cent. Many (and by that I mean 3, or 30% of the total) fans agree that these episodes are much better than the later series, containing superior acting. The soundtracks, however, leave much to be desired, featuring mainly Imogen Heap and Alkaline Trio.

There are several interesting facts about this series of One Tree Hill (which consisted of five three-hour-long episodes). For example, Ryan's unchanging facial expression was maintained by botox. This changed in later episodes, as the RSPCA complained it was cruelty to dumb animals. After this, he had to resort to bad acting to keep up appearances. Other facts to note include the homoerotic subtext between Marissa and the drainpipes in the area. The actress playing Marissa was replaced for Season 2, as her eyebrows were distracting the cameramen, and she kept being mistaken for Sandy, the family's owl. Sandy himself was eaten by Summer in Season 5 when she developed bulimia and needed a quick protein fix.

“Ryan doesn't seem to say much”
~ Captain Obvious on The OC

Characters

Ryan "Outsider" Atwood

Ryan comes from a 'rough area' and as such speaks in monosyllables, has only one set of clothes, regularly participates in cage fights and doesn't get on with those snobby rich kids. His life picks up after he joins Newport's basketball team, the Dodos. He has relationships with most of the female cast, except Summer, who only goes out with horses.

Seth "So F*cking Annoying" Cohen

Seth Cohen was just an ordinary boy until he was bitten by a radioactive emo, at which point he developed amazing powers of fake depression and sociopathy. Armed only with his deck of Magic: The Gathering cards, he now fights evil and the status quo as Emo Lad.

Marissa "Coop" Cooper

Marissa is famous in the series for dating Ryan, having no personality of her own. Marissa has suffered greatly over the course of the series. First, she overdosed on Smarties while vacationing in Mexico, at which point she was almost raped by three Mexicans and Princess Sparkle. Next, she developed an alcohol addiction resulting in a chemical imbalance that caused her to periodically throw pool loungers at her stepmother in a spastic manner. She has died no less than seven times in various car accidents and earthquakes. After her death in Season 27, the whole of Seasons 27-33 were revealed to be a dream experienced by Summer.

Summer "Airhead Bitch" Roberts

Summer is a stereotypical cheerleader type, who bizzarely dates an emo (Seth), after discovering his secret identity. However, Seth's continuous pop culture references caused her brain to overload, so for the last few Seasons it was replaced by the central processing unit of Knight Rider, and Summer thus spent the time with David Hasselhoff inside her fighting crime bosses who could be conveniently stopped by a car.

Ryan, Seth, Marissa and Summer are known as the 'gruesome foursome' in honour of their sexual proclivities.

Kirsten "Count Drunkula" Cohen

Kirsten does nothing all day accept make dinner and drink like a fish, often at the same time. After she went into rehab, Ryan and Seth almost starved to death.

Sandy

Sandy is the family's pet owl, famous because his eyebrows could be seen from space. He was, sadly, eaten by Summer, who was bulimic and craved protein.

Julie "Busty" Cooper-Nichol-Townsend-Atwood-Roberts-Liberty

Julie is the series' "tart with a heart". She has been married to every major character in the series, as well as several animals and major landmarks, such as the Statue of Liberty.

Luke "Dad's Gay" Ward

Luke, it has been established, has no brain cells, relying on photosynthesis to power his movement. As "the jock we all love to hate", he dated Marissa briefly, but left her after discovering she was an octopus. Luke exited the series after everyone in Newport found out his Dad was gay. They moved to Portland, where no-one would notice.

Lucas "Total Ryan Rip-off" Scott

Lucas is extremely similar to Ryan Atwood. So similar, in fact, that several fans consider them to be the same person. Constantly surrounded by his basketball groupies (who all had odd names like Skills, Mouth, Whitey, Nose, Tonsils and Gout) Lucas was fazed out of One Tree Hill and starred in his own series, The OC. This show was sadly cancelled due to nobody caring. Its writers were sued for plagiarism, but the case was thrown out of court when it became unclear just who was sueing whom. And something about a wombat.

Dawson "Up Sh*t Creek" Leery

Dawson, a minor character in the show, left the series early on and attempted to make a movie about his life. In order to prevent this atrocity, the producers eventually gave him his own spin-off. It was just awful. If you want to see just how awful it is, watch Five: US. It's like the only thing they have.

Mistakes

There are a number of errors in the programme that vigilant viewers have spotted over the centuries. Here are just a few:

  • Ryan did in fact want to be something other than what he had been trying to be lately.
  • The wikipedia article on The OC states that it faced stiff competition in the form of Grey's Anatomy and CSI. This is not true. No-one ever wanted to watch The OC.
  • In Season 7, Seth states that "Ryan has eighteen bitches but only two hoes". He meant to say "Ryan has, like, eighteen bitches but only two hoes". Seth himself has no bitches, but he's dating Summer and she can be a bit of a bitch sometimes.
  • The vast amount of marrying and re-marrying in One Tree Hill has technically produced three cases of incest.
  • When Marissa dies humorously in a car crash and Ryan pulls her from the wreckage, she is clearly trying not to laugh. Hell, we all were.
  • In the episode "Summer's Cheerleader Camp Adventure", the writers have clearly re-used scenes from the movie Bring It On. This movie sucked equally.
  • In season ten, Marissa tells Ryan she is pregnant. This is impossible, as Marissa is a man.
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