I am better than fish

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Hick

Fish'll ruin yer life, let me tell ya.

I really don't see what's all this hubbub and dippy do with fish. If ya ask me, the things are smelly, stupid, ill-bred, backwards, and shunned by the mighty Lord himself! Why's that, ya ask? Oh I'll TELL YOU why! I have a laundry list of reasons. Stupid fish think they're better than me? Just you wait. You'll see. You'll see why fish are so terrible.[1]

edit Fish are out to get yer children, welfare, and jobs!

Unlovable fish

Do ya see anything lovable here? Because I sure don't.

Okay, it's time to smartlighten ya a little bit here, buddy. Fish are right out monsters! Believe me, I know. Have ya ever heard of mermaids? Did ya hear about the mermaid who makes unlucky guys fall in love with her, and then drags them to the bottom of the sea floor? And that's just someone that's half-fish! Just imagine what a whole fish could do.

Oh yes, I'VE read my mythology! I've read a Russian story about a fish spirit that switches places with a newborn mother's baby, and then when it's old enough, BAM! SUCKS the mother's soul right through it's crib, all the while the mother thinking she's taking care of her baby and not some evil, conniving fish! I'll tell ya one thing: ya won't see any fish monster babies in MY house, that's for sure! I have sprays for that.

And really, how many fish are able to hold a job nowadays? Sure, some say the reason that fish can't properly join our workforce is because they lack opposable thumbs, or because they can only come out of the water a short time and there isn't really a lot of jobs in the water. Ya know what I call all that nonsense? Excuses! Oh, please, let's all pity the poor defenseless fishes! Let's face the facts, fish are lazy, that's why they don't have jobs! And WHO, pray tell, suffers for it? You do! Ya work a hard wage for a living, and ya have to give money to the government! And Why? To pay for some pitiful fish who won't even make the effort to get honest work! Are you kidding me?

Even if the fish does get a job, usually it's a fish from outside the country. Oh great, more fish, ya know? Like we need some Takifugu coming from the seas of Japan taking all our good jobs, like fish tank cleaner, eagle feeder, and lion tamer! If we don't stop this invasion of illegal fish now, there won't be any of us good, old-fashioned, nose-to-the-grindstone hard workers left!

edit Everybody hates fish

Puffer-fish

Christ Almighty, ya cow! Lay off the Twinkies!

Let me ask ya something...Do ya know anybody who actually likes fish? No? I don't know anybody who does either. I sure don't, and I'm sure ya don't, right? RIGHT?

Good.

So. Nobody likes fish. Why do ya suppose that is? Must be something wrong with 'em, I say.

I mean, if even somebody liked fish, it'd be a different story, but nope. And even the very rare few that do like fish are either fish themselves, or creepy "fish sympathizers." And let me tell ya, there's something wrong with those fish sympathizers. What kind of person in their right mind, puts a fish ahead of their own kind?[2] There's just something not natural with that.

Nope. No sir. Nobody likes fish, and you shouldn't either.

Contraversially, everybody likes me. My mamma told me so just the other day. Ya gonna call my mamma a liar? Ya better not unless ya want me to plant ya 10 feet in the ground. My mamma's a saint I tell ya.

Anyway, since nobody likes fish and everybody likes me, I am better than fish. You don't even need any more proof than that, but I'm gonna give it to ya anyway.

edit Fish hang around with a bad crowd

Jelly Fish1

This little guy is known for stinging people for NO REASON. And fish hang out with him like it's no big deal.

If fish by themselves aren't for some reason all that unlikable to ya, [3] then maybe you should take a look at the crowd they keep. Think about that terrible cesspool known as the wide-opened sea. Think about the types of ill-bred genetically inferior types that hang around there:

We have narwhals, which everybody knows are drug addicts. There's sea sponges, which are incredibly stupid and as we all know, sexually promiscuous.

Whales are experts at identity theft. Sharks are murderers. Octopi sleep around. Hell, the only worthwhile creature in the sea is the dolphin, and you can tell he doesn't want to be there. And do I even need to mention those bottom-dwellers who feed on shit? I. Think. Not.

If fish had any decent self-respect, they'd move to a decent neighborhood.[4]

edit Fish are fucking stupid, ass-backward, whorish little selfish sluts

Puffer fish

Slut.

Let me just say one thing here: Do ya think it's a good idea to like something that's a stupid, ass-backward, whorish, little selfish slut? Do ya? Because I don't think about those things. I care about Jesus. Just look at the damn things, eating their krill or whatever the hell it is those scale-backs eat. I personally don't know what they eat because I have better things to do than hang around with their kind.

I once walked by an aquarium and I'm sorry I did, because I saw a fish playing D&D. I took his devil dice away from him and I burned them. And the worst part is, they're ALL like that. Stupid fucking fish. Where's yer self-respect? They're around water 24/7, and I have yet to hear of one, EVEN ONE that's been baptized. Let's just say there's a reason Catholics eat fish. [5]

I read in an email that my momma sent me that the president agrees with me. He wrote that fish are "fucking stupid, ass-backward, whorish little selfish sluts."

Word for word, he said the same thing I did! I mean, that's the fucking president. You don't argue with the president, do ya? I was so impressed by the E-mail that I forwarded to everybody I know, including that weird company that keeps trying to send me credit cards. They need to know the truth of fish just like anybody else, is what I say.

edit Let's just imagine that people decide to like fish one day...

Oscar-fish

All hail the new Fuhrer!

And I'm not talking about just the creeps here. Let's assume that magically, overnight, everybody just started to think that fish were just amazing, the freaking bee's knees. What would be the consemakances of that?

Picture this: First, a fish gets his own special appearance on Oprah, pleading his case against the injustices of fish, and of course all of Oprah's little drones pull out a book from under their chair written by the fish. The book is titled "Mein Kamph: A Fish's Battle with Oppression". Does that title sound familiar? Can ya see where this is going? Pretty soon, people everywhere are marching up and down the streets in the name of almighty fish! And where do ya think that leaves us, the protesters? What would happen to us?

We would be gassed and fed to piranhas, that's what! Within a few years, there would be a New Fish World Order (N.F.W.O) and humankind would be enslaved by the clever little fuckers! Is that what ya want? Nature's supreme race being bossed around and controlled by the humble stupid fish? I don't think so.

edit Fish are the root cause of all problems in contemporary society

Parties responsible

Who was really responsible for Jesus's death?

Think of the greatest problems our world faces today:

Disease, famine, poverty, 9/11, terrorism, Fish are the root cause of all of these problems.

Okay now I can understand if yer eating an inherently poisonous fish, like say the lion fish, or a blow-fish, how it would be smart not to eat it, but none of ya other fish get an excuse for making us sick! Did ya know that most fish contain mercury? Did ya know that mercury is poisonous? Oh sure, we're supposed to just eat the things for a balanced diet, but people do and they fucking get sick because of it! So, okay, I guess we won't eat fish, after all, oh wait now people are starving to death! Thanks a lot fish! Because of yer selfishness, people have to die. I hope yer happy.

9/11 and terrorism were caused by humans who ate poisoned fish. Because of their poisoned minds, they made evil decisions, and killed many people in the process. That's right, the world is afraid for their lives thanks to fish. Give yerselves a hand fish.[6] Yer making our lives miserable.

Not only that, I always see them gathering in the darker, seedier parts of the lake, where ya can't see them very well because they're hiding in the moss. Clearly, they're up to something. I smell a conspiracy.

Oh yeah, and they smelled up the lake I went to the other day.

edit Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish-school

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Don't think about why anymore, just say it with me.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.

Fish are terrible, horrible creatures and they should be exterminated from the face of the earth.


There. Now just say that 100 more times to yourself, and you should totally understand why fish are terrible and humans, (especially me) are superior to them. Happy jew fish hunting!


  1. and by comparimason I am great.
  2. a fish fucker, that's what!
  3. Get yerself checked out. There's something wrong with ya.
  4. except for mine.
  5. Because fish are gay and gayness is wrong.
  6. Oh wait, ya can't because ya don't have hands. Sucks to be you.
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