I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle

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Revision as of 07:00, December 28, 2005 by Rcmurphy (talk | contribs)

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Bermuda triangle
It's coming to get you! Retard.

No, seriously. The Bermuda Triangle is fucking lame. Don't believe me? You're lame too. I have scientific evidence on my side. The Bermuda Triangle is a bunch of New Age horseshit, and may even be a pyramid scheme. Here's why.

The Bermuda Triangle

The Bermuda Triangle is an imaginary area of ocean between Bermuda, Puerto Rico, and Myanmar. The idea is that you draw lines between these islands and then inside the triangle there are ghosts. Spooky!...if you're three years old. "Oh noes mommy, the bad water is going to eat teh boats!!!" Grow up! The Bermuda Triangle is just a story made up by sailors, and here's a hint: sailors are drunk 95% of the time! These are the same people that came up with patent nonsense like mermaids and neap tides, and now you're letting them tell you that this one specific area of water is going to leap out like the alien does in that movie Alien and rip your face off? No way, because that alien was awesome and the Bermuda Triangle is definitely not awesome.

Hell, Lloyd's of London, the world's biggest insurance company, whose fucking job it is to know where ships will sink most often, says the Bermuda Triangle is bullshit. They won't charge you extra to insure your boat if you tell them it's going through the Bermuda Triangle. And Jesus H. Christ, if an insurance company won't charge you higher premiums for doing something, then the odds are pretty strong that that activity is perfectly safe.

Triangles

Bermuda triangle 2
Not so menacing now, is it?
Hoagie triangle
The Hoagie Triangle: a 1000% improvement.

I've seen triangles in math class. Triangles are always small. There's no way you could even have a triangle hundreds of miles on a side because you couldn't find a piece of paper big enough.

Also, spheres are the natural enemy of triangles because one is rounded and three-dimensional and one is pointy and two-dimensional. The Earth is a sphere and thus would not permit a triangle on its surface. I learned that in math class, too.

And even given* that such a triangle could exist and given that it existed near Bermuda, why would you want to fill it with ghosts? I can think of much better uses for that triangle. Fill it with hoagies! Sure, yeah, we can have a Hoagie Triangle where instead of swallowing ships and planes it dispenses delicious piping-hot hoagies and grinders. That is where math applies to the real world, fuckers!

Shut the Fuck Up

Merciful meatballs, can we stop hearing about the Bermuda Triangle? How can you make 1.5 million square miles of salt water interesting? You can't! Let's face it, if David Copperfield has been there, it's not cool. Yes, that goes for the Statue of Liberty too.

Other hack jobs from pop culture include:

Stephen King wrote a book on this? And it's not even one of his comedic ones? Fuck me in the Ozarks!

I hope nobody actually buys this shit.


* "Given" is a term used in mathematical proofs as a shorthand for "this shit is probably not true, but we assume it so that we're correct".Template:ArticleFH

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