ITV

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ITV is an abbreviation for Islamist Terrorist-Vision, it is a television network in the United Kingdom also know as the disabled and succumber of cheap advertising evil brother of the BBC (creator of such programmes as Andy Pandy Gets Randy and Dick's Son in Doc Green). It is a loose affiliation of various "local" and "independent" broadcasters, known as cells, who attempt to subvert traditional British values and create a society which is dependent on celebrity gossip magazines and dramas about feisty middle-aged women (usually starring Caroline Quentin or Amanda Redman), as well as Ant and Dec. Senior anti-terror analysts from MIB fear that this campaign is proving all too successful.

Heading this group is a shadowy figure known only as Trevor bin McDonald, who all but vanished from our screens after the terror attacks on New York and Washington even though he continues to siphon funds from the ITV network. The ITV Network is predominately owned by CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc, headed by David Cameron, although companies including SMuG Plc and MJTV also create part of the network.

Programming

Oopsie

Someone has been misinformed that they're working for the BBC while making this ident.

To help produce a nation of docile chavs ITV has had to produce some truly ground-breaking TV shows. Such greats include Footballer's Ashamedly Unveiled Wives and Who Wants to Be a Martyr and Get a Million Virgins?.

ITV has even expanded into the relatively high-brow field of Reality TV, where it attempts to out-compete Channel 4 by getting not just vacuous normal people to have sex, but vacuous celebrity people to have sex. This reached fruition with the union of Jordan (named after her country of birth) and Peter André(until 2009 which sparked a publicity war). Geneticists believe the child these two will produce could possibly be the missing link between man and high-density polystyrene.

As of 2006, ITV have decided that the word "Celebrity" is really tacky, especially after being criticised by normal people on the grounds that there has never been a celebrity featured on the ITV; So Celebrity Love Island becomes "Love island", while Celebrity X Factor becomes "Strictly Come Singing: Special Edition".

In 2004, and attempt to ban ITV from producing any sports shows due to their unparalleled incompetence in sports programming production, failed after a House of Commons vote overturned the bill. Reports stated that Kevin Keegan had stated "It's obvious that the bill is going to pass now" just moments before the result was announced.

In a recent refinement of Celebrity Love Island ITV commissioned a new set of series including Celebrity Death Match in which celebrities are placed in a ring of fire with clubs and ropes and have to progress to a final in which they fight with no weapons or clothes - Janet Street Porter prevailed in the final against Britain's most hated Footpath blocker (now being somewhere where people can walk), notable incidents earlier on in the series include Britain's most hated Traffic Warden being pressed to death when the other contestants all ganged up and parked themselves on him.

ITV News

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File:Itvnewsbreaking.PNG

ITV News is a misnomer for the informally named "ITV's Great 100 Year-Old Animal Free (unless you count Mark Austin) Fun-Filled Circus", sometimes shortened to "Shit". When they receive sad news they try to liven it up by doing a multitude of circus acts - like "Plinth Balancing", "Circus Ballet" and many more.

When they receive some really sad, breaking news, they like to make it even more lively. They only have 5 seconds to draw up a caption and tell everyone something's happened. They go into full flow, trip over words, draw moustaches on people on Paint when they shouldn't be, and somehow, still being able to do "Circus Ballet".

And, as they say: "TVs only daily circus, on the only 24hr Clown Channel. We're just the best."

Absolutely nobody knows who owns ITV News; but it is rumoured to be owned by CrapAda Eye Teevee plc under the brand of ITN - Islamist Terrorist-NVision. Many people do not believe this as they believe the two companies to be too separate. The cream of the crop who nevertheless labor on under the name of quality (the nerve of them!), see Jon Snow, do so under the banner of Channel 4.

ITV News is now infamous for it's presenters. As they are extreamly dull with Mark Austin being the main culprit.

Trevor "Ronald" McDonald used to be a Heroin addict before joining ITV.

Recently News At Ten returned not to broadcast news but so people can stare at Trevor Mcdonald's Mole and also wank to the sexy julie etchingham.

ITV Sport

Is the name of the ITV's comedy production. Everyone thinks ITV are fucking shit. Also Liverpool fans would like to thank them for not showing the FA Cup replay goal live and Everton fans would like to thank them for showing that exact same goal live. Anyone who employs Steve Rider is fucking desperate and will soon be replaced by Gayham Norton.

Conspiracies

There are many people who believe that ITV is actually a secret plot by George Bush to lower the IQ of the British so that they might vote for him, when he eventually subverts Britain into joining the United States of America. Opponents of this theory point out that "That's rubbish that is, look at the stuff we put on, Ant and Dec, Pop Idol and Who wants to be a Millionaire unney-kwivik-errr show that there's nuffin' but class on ITV".

Operation: Only way is Essex (TOWIE)

During 2010 the British Governing Body of Gene Pools (BGBGP) found that Essex now had smaller gene pool which was considered 20% worse than counties such as Norfolk and Somerset. When the cast were informed of this, their only reaction was - "SHA-AAAAPPP!!".

The BGBGP devised a plan that would draw in a more diverse population into Essex, at the same time moving 'the less desired members of society' away from other counties. They created the ITV2 show The Only Way Is Essex which portrays an idyllic lifestyle for the less desirable to live. The show does so by giving charicters lots of money that they spend on mundane treats as getting hair dyed peroxide blonde, spray tans and having nails done.

The 2011 research shows that the plan is working as Shanelle Stanley a viewer of the show said: "Yer Brentwood iz fulla peng fitties now innit?!" Thus demonstrating that these people are being amalgamated into Essex society.

Coronation St

Coronation Street

Opening titles

Originally a programme based on a street name this has evolved into the new method of picking the Monarch, candidates are selected and eventually have to fight it out so as to produce a monarch achieving power by more traditional means.

Monarchs Selected

  • The first monarch selected as Mad Maya who won the title beating Sunita!!!! in an out and out catfight.
  • The next monarch is Tracy Barlow who won in a fight between her and Charlie Stubbles.
  • The third monarch is Tony Gordon, who owned Liam by getting him killed.

ITVPoo

ITVPoo is the second ITV-branded channel owned by CrapAda Eye Teevee plc. It mainly broadcasts repeats of Coronation Street and Quizmania, and was the second phase in ITV's attempt to nurture the UK's majority of chavs. At one point, it used to broadcast Flintstones - The Movie five times a day to try and raise perceptions of the channel, but that was removed when avid Emmerdale fans complained they missed on average 54 omnibuses of Emmerdale and Corrie per week.

ITVPee

ITVPee is recorded coverage of Gran Ada Television twenty years ago for those who love to live the eighties. Unfortunately, the technology at the time only allowed dodgey E180 tapes, so it is common for the ITVPee viewer to observe the regular break in transmission while they eject the tape and re-wind the next, and often the tracking on the VCR often fails to work and viewers are left with white noise for several hours without anyone realising. It has even been known, at the climax of Midsomer Murders, for the tape to be swapped only to realise it has been taped over with programming from The Fantasy Channel, of which David Cameron denies any knowledge of, and viewers are left perplexed on how the murderer ended up to be Michelle Bass. ITV attempt not to advertise the ITVPee channel incase somebody watches it and notices ITV was worth watching 20 years ago, but since the viewing ratings are on average three people per week (all over 65), it is highly unlikely nobody will notice. ITV does try to hide the Gran Ada idents with some random person picking up a stone in ITV's studios, but often there's no point as nobody is watching anyway.

ITV Bore

Also known as ITV What For, nobody really understands the purpose of this channel. Broadcasting exactly the same programming as Men & Men, it has on average around 4 viewers per annum, one of which happens to be Elton John. The team behind ITVPoor controversially murdered the team of ITV News, with the bodies were buried under Tower Bridge, London. Nobody really knows where ITVPoor is on their TV platform, why its there or what it's for. All people know is that its fucking hogging capacity that would be better spent elsewhere!

Men & Men

Previously known as "Men & Motors"; later "Men fuck Motors"' and now "Men & Men", is ITV's gay porno channel aimed at men, boys and men. It showcases 100% pure hardcore homosexual filth from 7am to 4am everyday, free to air across Sky Digital and Virgin Media. It closely follows some of the most prized and experimental methods of anal sex with the occasional celebrity often popping in such as Barack Obama and Wellard from Eastenders. Originally, the channel had a balance of gay porn and men-motor experiences, however this was dropped when ratings started to slip down the back end. It is presented daily by former CrapAda Eye Teevee plc chief, Charles Allen, often alongside Duncan Bannantyne and occasionlly Paul Potts when not raping little girls.

ITV HD

ITV but with crap graphics. Which is a blessing as why would we want to see Jasper Carrot in HD. The football coverage is even shitter than sub-standard ITV, as if that could be any more worse...WELL...it can. Ratings for their coverage of adverts-with-a-bit-of-live-football-thrown-in declined when Adrian Chiles' face made it onto ITV HD. This was because parents had to turn over to prevent children being scarred for life.

CITV Channel

Crapadaeyeteevee

CrapAda EyeTeevee plc corporate logo

Lazy ITV doesn't make its own kids programmes any more no. All the new shows now are bloody American ones like we wanna see a programme about an evil goldfish. Tune in at 5 to watch My Parents are Aliens, the only good programme in its history.

Defunct channels

ITV News Channel

Who needs a 24-hour news channel? NO-ONE!!! But ITV realized this just 5 years after its launch and replaced it with a cool kids channel.

ITV Sport Channel

Well three of them. All went down the shitter, along with ITV's digital service, after they successfully managed to outbid themselves to show live Football League games. This lead to a handful of Division Three (League Two/One/whatever it is now. I don't fucking remember) going into financial turmoil and put ITV Digital Monkey on the shelf of the Lewisham branch of Oxfam. Luckily for Munkeh — as known by his budding sidekick Al — all clubs but Chester City have since survived ITV's royal fuck up.

ITV companies

The ITV network is traditionally administered between fifteen regional franchises. However, world domination has led companies Crapton and Gran Ada to purchase all of the franchises in England and Wales, naming them ITV1. The two then merged and formed CrapAda Eye Teevee plc, named after "Crapton" and "Gran Ada, along with fitting it the word "eye" from former ATV, which will remind people like June Whitfield of the "good old days". CrapAda Eye Teevee plc own all of the franchises in England and Wales, and its CEO is David Cameron, former employee of Crapton. ITV have been highly criticised for its lack of regional programmes, and it is supposed they have "lost touch" with their viewers - so Buzzy Bee media incorporated that into ITV1's idents.The rest of the network is owned by SMuG Plc, MJTV and Birth Canal Ventures plc, however each regional company retains a shifty Cheif Executive.

CrapAda Eye Teevee plc, SMuG Plc, MJTV and Birth Canal Ventures plc are all ultimately owned by Russian Mafia boss Roman Abramovich for god knows how long...

However to pay for his football team (forgot the name...), Roman Abramovich has been forced to sell his ITV companies, starting with SuMG plc (Owner of Shittish Television and Grumpy Television) to Braveheart Television, a company owned by Alex Salmond, the Generalissimo of Scotland who plans to launch "100% Scottish Televison". Basically this means that Shittish Television and Grumpy Television are to be merged to form Braveheart Television. The new “Station for Scotland” will become “far more Pro-Scottish and far more Anti-English”, in other words it will show wall-to-wall repeats of Braveheart, shows that promote the nationalist Salmond/SNP line and Communism, while also promoting Anti-English and Anti-Tory (especially in relation to the CEO of CrapAda Eye Teevee plc David Cameron).

The takeover has been financed by Sir Brian Souter (A Billionaire Transport Tycoon who is also head of the Holy Society of Scotland, which wants to make Scotland a Fundamentalist Christian State), Dermot Desmond (A Irish Investment Banker), Tony O'Reilly (A Irish Media Tycoon who owns the Irish and South African Newspaper Industries), Denis O'Brien (A Irish Telcom and Radio Tycoon) and Vladimir Putin (A Multi-Billionaire Mafia Boss/Russian-Soviet President and a friend of fellow Mafia Boss and ex owner of ITV Roman Abramovich) via his companies Gazprom (The Eurasian Gas Monopoly jointly run with Roman Abramovich) and Rosneft (The Eurasian Oil Monopoly jointly run with Roman Abramovich), both of which are very interested in Scotland’s natural resources.

In response, David Cameron (already the CEO of CrapAda Eye Teevee) has launched the Virgin Cameron Television consortium with Rupert Murdoch (The billionaire boss of the Global Media Industry and the voice of the Republican Party via Fox News), Phillip Green (The multi-billionaire Textiles, Retail and Sweatshop tycoon and tax cheat), Richard Branson (The daredevil aviation and media billionaire and drug lord), Lord Michael Ashcroft (The billionaire arms dealer, tax cheat and drug load), Larry Page and Sergey Brin (Owners of Google, who own the Internet) and Lord Lucan (wanted for murder and a billionaire arms dealer), the royal families of Saudi Arabia and Qatar (both of which are trillionaires), Simon Cowell (Who has given the world Pop Idol and the X Factor, in other words the billionaire who f**ked the music industry), Bill Gates (AKA Darth Vader, who invented Skynet and dominated the IT Industry though Microsoft) and Jeremy Clarkson (That Posh Yorkshire journalist/presenter/motormouth comedian) What Virgin Cameron Television plans to do is buy CrapAda Eye Teevee plc and rebrand it as Virgin Cameron Television (Thus ditching the shite ITV for good, further drive down standards (Trash TV and Right Wing Propaganda during the day, low budget porn at night), closing ITVPoo (the second channel) and replacing it with Fox News UK (Full of Tory, UKIP and BNP shouting out bullshit as “news”).

Area Regional Name Ultimate owner Chief Exec
Central ScotlandShittish TelevisionSMuG PlcAlex Salmond
North ScotlandGrumpy TelevisionSuMG plc Alex Salmond
Northern Ireland (Unionist/Loyalist)Unionist Television (UTV)Hateful Unionist Media CorporationIan Paisley
Northern Ireland (Nationalist/Republican)Saor in Aisce na hÉireann Teilifís (SIANET)/Free Ireland Television (FIT)Libyan-Ghaeilge Bolscaireacht Corporation/Libyan-Irish Propaganda CorporationGerry Adams
Scotland/England border and Isle of ManBomber TelevisionCrapAda Eye Teevee plcSaddam Hussein
North East EnglandTough Titties Television (TTTV)CrapAda Eye Teevee plcRichard Desmond
Yorkshire and LincolnshireYorshit TelevisionCrapAda Eye Teevee plcRichard Desmond
North West EnglandGrand Aids TelevisionCrapAda Eye Teevee plcSaddam Hussein
RutlandRutland Weekend Television (RWT)CrapAda Eye Teevee plcJohn Cleese/Monty Python
Wales and the West of EnglandHideous Television (HTV)CrapAda Eye Teevee plcBruce Lee
The MidlandsCentral Idiotic Television (Central ITV)CrapAda Eye Teevee plcSome Guy
East AngliaAngling TelevisionCrapAda Eye Teevee plcCarol Vorderman
London WeekdayCrapton TelevisionCrapAda Eye Teevee plcMaggie Thatcher
London WeekendWomen's Lib Televsion (WLT)CrapAda Eye Teevee plcJanet Street-Porter
South and South East EnglandMedian BroadcastingCrapAda Eye Teevee plcCarol Vorderman
South West EnglandWestcock TelevisionCrapAda Eye Teevee plcRupert Murdoch
The Channel IslandsOviduct TelevisionBirth Canal Ventures PlcGeorge Bush
National breakfast timeGay Men TV (GMTV)CrapAda Eye Teevee plcAlan Carr

Grand Aids

ITV1

Grand Aids's new ident from 2007

Quiz Armada

Grand Aids crusades to Leeds to conquer Yorshit Television

Grand Aids Television (previously "Gran Ada") is the ITV regional holder for the North West of England. The channel started in 1888 when ol'e Granny Ada Smith (not to be confused with Granny Smith who discovered apples; Granny Ada Smith usually used the name Gran Ada) decided she didn't want to pay her local Granada theatre to see cheap plays usually cast by paedophiles. So, in 1888 she made a single programme by the name of Coronation Street. Because of the lack of rolling film cameras, the programme mainly featured a static photograph of her local street sign, "Coronation Street". However, after a short while, she began to start filming locals beating each other up with coalforks and setees until each contestant was "crowned" monarch. She filmed the programme herself up until the age of 97, when she decided to sell off her filming assets to Granada Theatres.

Then, in 1932, Gran Ada Television went on air at 03:47 am in Manchester, serving a total of twenty-eight viewers. In 1958, Gran Ada Television contorversially murdered the CEO of the BBC in order to acquire their North West transmitter, Wanker Hill, however Gran Ada Television denied this. The channel launched to the whole of the North West on August 13, 1958. Its single programme was usually repeated four times daily, with test cards filling in the other hours. From 1959, Gran Ada started broadcasting a local news service, Granny Today. In 1970, Granada Theatres completed their takeover of Gran Ada Television, which became Granada Television. However, due to ol'e Granny Ada Smith's fan club, they were forced to leave the name Gran Ada.

In 2002, Gran Ada was taken over by none other than Ofcom regulator, Saddam Hussein. The company became "Gran Ada Ventures Plc", and went on to purchase Border Television, which was re-named Bomber Television giving the name "more impact", Angling Television, Tough Titties Television, Women's Lib Television and Yorshit Television. The company then merged with Crapton Television in 2004, creating CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc, which owns all the ITV companies in Wales and England. Saddam's long-term position at the company is rather misty, so it is tempoairly headed by Granny Ada Smith IV, aged 104, despite the fact the official owner was David Cameron.

It has now been bought by Team Africa and named Grand Aids Television

Shittish Television

Shitetv

ShiteTV's ident in both Shittish and Grumpy since May 2006

Shittish Television, now known as ShiteTV One on air, is Scotland's central ITV franchise, and has held the ITV franchise for Central Scotland since March 2, 1858. Their studios were originally based in Aberdeen and consisted of a one-roomed cow shed alongside one large water storage tank. The original staff lineup included Mr Jeremy Argyle, Mrs Agnes McDonald and Ermintrude the cow. However, due to technical restrictions, they could not broadcast further than four metres in all directions. Original programming included "Shite Today" and "Shite Tonight". However, in 1957, Michael Howard's company named SMuG Plc purchased the premises, buisiness and their staff for twenty-seven pence. When SMuG took over, one more programme was brought into production, "Privitised Casulty", and "Shite Today/Tonight" was re-named "Tories Today/Tonight". Also, the broadcast infrastructure was improved and could now broadcast up to 12 square miles on a clear day. In 1981 a fire broke out in the TV centre but only one studio out of the three was destroyed, much to the disappointment of viewers.

In 2003, the new television regulation board, Shutoffcom stated that the channel must serve the whole of Central Scotland and must follow the ITV Network schedule. For the first time, the Edinburugh population had a television service. As a celebration, SMuG Plc merged both Shittish Television and sister Grumpy Television into ShiteTV One.

A quote from one of Shittish Television's thirty-four viewers: "I swear to god that they made this programme about an annual meeting in a loft where they would wind up toy trains this loser had and let them travel along the wooden pieces of track. Honestly this is not made up I swear on everyone's life. I would not mess with fate like that."

Shittish Television has made award winning programmes like "Shittish Postcode Challenge". Their recent "Watch to win" live show was estimated to have 50 million viewers.

Recently, SMuG Plc (the owner of Shittish Television) was bought by Alex Salmond, the Generalissimo of Scotland. He plans to rename both Shittish Television and Grumpy Television to Braveheart Television. Salmond's plans include withdrawing all programmes made by CrapAda Eye Teevee (who own the rest of ITV) and replace it with wall-to-wall repeats of Braveheart.

In the long run, plans for organinal programming include "The Mel Gibson Show" (like Parkinson, but with Scottish Nationalism, Christian Extremism and Anti-Semitism), "F**K England" (A comedy about the English), "The Communism Hour" (just propaganda about the glories of Marxist-Lennist-Maoist-Stalinism), "The Bitch Remembered" (A look on how Maggie Thatcher f**ked Scotland) and "Dave and George" (A Comedy about David Cameron, George Osboune and their Southern English Tory Mates).

David Cameron (PM of Britain and CEO of CrapAda Eye Teevee plc, which pretty much run the rest of ITV) has already started legal action against "The Anti-English" channel that is Braveheart Television.

Grumpy Television

Grumpy Television (now known along with Shittish Television as ShiteTV One) was the name of the ITV region for Northern Scotland from 2005 to 2006. The channel started off as Grumpy Entertainment; a performance-arts group who could not afford television, but splased out on a cardboard box from the local Kwik Save, and danced in it all around th region. However, due to network restrictions, they were forced to put chavs in the box to perform from April 2005.

In November 2005, Ofcom decided that a real television channel should launch in Northern Scotland. There was no competition between all 16 inhabitants of the region, and the liscence was instantly awarded to Grumpy Entertainment. However, after one hour of being in operation, their studios, named "The Shack", were struck by a good hard Scottish storm, and unfortunately were subject to fork lightening.

The ashes of the premises were quickly snapped up by Shittish Television owner, SMuG Plc, who simply relayed Shittish into the Grumpy region, saving them a whole £1.20 each decade. As a celebration, the channel, along with Shittish Television, was renamed ShiteTV One.

Along with Shittish Television , Grumpy Television has now been bought by Alex Salmond, the Generalissimo of Scotland. This will mean Grumpy Television will finally disappear from the airwaves at last and will be merged with Shittish Television (although for person watching, it has already been the case) to form Braveheart Television, which will firstly be withdrawing all programmes made by CrapAda Eye Teevee (who own the rest of ITV) and replace it with wall-to-wall repeats of Braveheart.

In the long run, plans for organinal programming include "The Mel Gibson Show" (like Parkinson, but with Scottish Nationalism, Christian Extremism and Anti-Semitism), "F**K England" (A comedy about the English), "The Communism Hour" (just propaganda about the glories of Marxist-Lennist-Maoist-Stalinism), "The Bitch Remembered" (A look on how Maggie Thatcher f**ked Scotland) and "Dave and George" (A Comedy about David Cameron, George Osboune and their Southern English Tory Mates).

David Cameron (PM of Britain and CEO of CrapAda Eye Teevee plc, which pretty much run the rest of ITV) has already started legal action against "The Anti-English" channel that is Braveheart Television.

Crapton Television

Crapton

A typical ident

“I was amused to read one poster in the newsgroup explain that CARLTON stands for "Calling All Real Londoners Turn Over Now!”
~ Andrew Wiseman

Crapton Television is the ITV licencee for the days when people are working in London, but is also the owner of SexCentral TV in the Midlands, and Westcock in the, er, West Cock (how they spelt it) region. The channel started off in 1993 when company owner, The Green Giant, ate all his greens and gobbled up all the staff of former liscencee, Tomb Television. The digestion was not satisfactory, and none of the reminents of Tomb did ever re-emerge.

On January 1, 1993, puzzled viewers were thrown straight into Crapton's first programme, A Crappy New Year, which was actually a sublminal programme presented by world-famous hypnotist Chris Tarrant. The programme's aim was to trick the viewers into thinking Crapton was a world-class producer of high-brow programming, and that Tomb Television was an illegal fraud. It seemed to work, and the locals thought Crapton was the best thing since the invention of home-cleaning garden- mowing tellytubby-shooting train-spotting robots.

They took the hypnotism one step further by introducing special idents, which tricked the viewer into thinking an announcer was speaking, but in reality, Crapton could not afford to employ more than two workers at any given time. In 1994, Crapton completed the hypnotic take-over of Central Independent Television, which was renamed SexCentral TV by Crapton. In 1999, they re-named SexCentral to Crapton Television using Crapton's hypnotic idents, but the Midlands viewers had some sort of genetic allele which prevented Crapton's influx on the region. By 2004, Crapton were forced to remove the hypnotism in the Midlands and the name SexCentral re-appeared.

Crapton's major programming included "Poland, Camera, INVASION!" and "Hypnotic tales for Gay Kids", but since 2004, Crapton does not make any programming for any region. They mainly show around 23.5 hours live coverage of ITV's high-brow reality TV programming, but occasionally show cheap local programming such as "ChavMania", a profit show in which Tomb Television were hypnotised into making.

Unionist Television (UTV)

Unionist Television (AKA UTV) is the ITV Broadcaster for the war-torn ruin of a shithole otherwise known as Northern Ireland. It was founded by Unionist Leader/Irish Hater Ian “No Surrender” Paisley in 1921. He formed the station after seeing how successful (as a propaganda station) Crapton Television was in the good old Great Britain and wanted to promote Unionism, Protestantism, the Orange Order, Murdering the Irish, Anti-Catholicism and great British Empire. Television 3 Ireland is its “Southern Irish” subsidiary broadcasting in areas of Ireland “liberated” from British rule. It’s main rival is Saor in Aisce na hÉireann Teilifís (SIANET) or Free Ireland Television (FIT) for those who don’t give a fuck about the Irish Language.

UTV and SIANET/FIT have had a long and bitter rivalry since they were both established, UTV was originally the only station in Northern Ireland that is part of the ITV Network, however pressure from Grand Ada, Yorshit, Bomber and WLT forced ITV to allow SIANET/FIT to join ITV as well.

Yorshit Television

YTVmenu

Typical Yorshit menu

Yorshit Television is the ITV contractor for Yorkshire and Lincolnshire. Yorshit also runs a childrens service, known as 'A-Up, It's gonna kill u all', which plays a scary ident with that trumpet thingy and keeps all children in the north of England peeing the sheets and staying utoe very night. It began in 1968 when ole' Gran Ada I of neighbouring Gran Ada Television died aged 124. Gran Ada could no longer afford to pay the Islamic Terrorist Authority (ITA) for its vast cell area, therefore it sold approximately 34.75610% of the broadcast area to a consortium informally known as Why TV. Why TV purchased the area from Gran Ada at a cost of £43,212.02, and its contract officially began on January 1, 1968. The company did not really know how to broadcast a television channel, and as a concequence, left Yorkshire viewers with white noise for three years until they found out what television was. Eventually, the ITA said Why TV's contract was not viable, and it was sold to another company, HeaveUp Television, for thirty six pence. HeaveUp illegally broadcast Gran Ada for a further six months, before it decided to launch its own service. They named it "Yorshit Television", named after the present CEO, Jeremy Kayhit, and the area, Yorkshire, thus creating "Yorshit Television". They could not afford a graphics department, and therefore filmed its first idents of a road arrow upside down. Nothing much happened until 1994, when the company was purchased by American Puke Plc. Since then, Puke have made the company cease production of all other programmes except Emmerdale; a raunchy farm come-celebrity reality TV show where the farmer is under pressure to see who he will get off with at "The Plough Inn", and more often than not, there are a few celebs in there too! Puke also purchased Tough Titties Television in the North East, however as all their budget is spent on Emmerdale, it is expected they will sell TTTV to Grand Aids. Since 2006, the company has been headed by Richard Desmond, who is also present CEO of Television X - the fantasy channel, of which some of its programmes are frequently shown on Yorshit to increase TVX's subscriber base.

Median Broadcasting

Meridian ITV

Median offers an "unbiased" and "independent" view of broadcasting, avoiding the crude world of celebrity, fame and greed. This ident also appears on Carol's fitness video, "Count yourself down to a size zero"

Median Broadcasting is the ITV contractor for the South of England. The company, owned by CrapAda Eye Teevee plc (who now own Average Plc, the original owners), began broadcasting on an average day in 1993, and the average viewer saw the channel as very middle-class. The channel, named after the statistical average "median", succeeded Television Saudi as the Islamic Terrorist Commission (ITC, previously ITA) agreed that a local television channel should have its playout facility within 947 miles of the broadcast area, not a 4 hour flight away. Of course, TVS did complain, but the ITC simply threw an English dictionary at the Hebrew speaking CEO.

The contract was superceded by Median at precisely 12:01:24:16am on January 1, 1993. Median's output was definitely very average against TVS, Its single programme, Wizadora, was aknowledged to be watched by around 8.214567804 children aged 0 months to 84 months on a daily basis. In 1994, it was proved that children preferred to watch Countdown over on Channel 4, co-presented by Average Plc founder, Carol Vorderman. It was suggested that the acting within Wizadora was "too average", however Carol suggested because the children wanted would rather see the founder of their wonderful programme in person (she was later arrested the same day for charges of drink driving). The company is now owned by CrapAda Eye Teevee plc (run by Carol Vorderman's lover David Cameron), as with Carol in charge; you've got your sums right. Median Broadcasting now insists all programming is fronted by the Legendary Fred Dinenage, who used to co-host Childrens TV programme "What!" with Vorderman, and his combover named Sangeeta.

Average Plc ended up buying the rights to Countdown from Yorkshit Television (who made the programme after the latter suffered a major finanical crisis following the collase of its financial backer the Socialist Republic of Yorkshire ([[Maggie Thatcher led Britain to reconquer the breakway region) and moved the show from Channel 4 to ITV. Later it bought Angling Televisionafter a biding war with Television X (who owned Yorshit Television and TTTV already), it then closed down its studios in Norfolk and simply rebroadcast out of Median, lets just say there where months of riots by angry exemployees and views all over the conuntry.

Later after David Cameron (Boss of Crapton Communications plc, who owned Crapton Television, Central Idiotic Television, Westcock Television and Hideous Television) become the lover of Carol Vorderman, Average plc and Crapton Communications plc merged to form "Crapton Average Group plc", with Carol Vorderman still in charge of Median Broadcasting and Angling Television. More recenly Crapton Average Group plc and Gran Ada Group plc merged to form CrapAda Eye Teevee plc, which now own the whole of ITV outside Scotland and Northern Ireland.

As for Median Broadcasting, these days it only broadcasts Countdown (hosted by the Legendary Fred Dinenage and Carol Vorderman), whatever crap CrapAda Eye Teevee plc are making and pornongraphy featuring Carol Vorderman.

Bomber Television

Bomber Television, formally Bordem Television is the ITV franchisee for the Border areas of southern Scotland and northern England, plus also the Isle of Man. It began broadcasting in 1878 as a last attempt to stop the marauding Scots crossing the border into England (and vice-versa) in the hope they may tune into their television and prefer to watch Trisha instead. Even though it serves part of Scotland, its headquarters are actually 150ft below the city of Carlisle, and 204045ft above hell. It was originally run by a single person, Melvyn Bragg who broadcast his weekly show The South Bank Show, which is a show about bohemian arty and hippy types talking about their latest “work” or something like that. They also produced the weekly “news” show Lookuplookdown, which is presented by his Auntie Mabel and occasionally Nadia (his wife). Really all it shows is communist propaganda.

However running a tv station (especially on a budget of £4.50 a year) in the Lake District and without many viewers was always going to be a financial struggle. Pretty soon Melvin Bragg was forced to sell himself on the mean streets of Carlisle, along with his wife and lovers.

But even that (along with selling his house and his car) was not enough and soon enough he was forced to put the station up for sale, despite the lack of original programs, the small and declining viewership and lack of advertisers, there were a lot of interested buyers which included:

Women's Lib Televsion (WLT) (Broadcasting in London and lead by feminist commie Janet Street-Porter) was interested in buying the station to allow them to broadcast their “Socialist-Feminist” Message in the “North” after a dispute with that other Communist ITV station Grand Aids Television. However the poor state of finances at WLT, the refusal of left-wing organizations to fund the the takeover and political infighting within WLT, the deal fell through.

Grand Aids Television (Broadcasting in the North-West and various Communist organizations in the North) was also interested in buying to further proceed with their ambition to “Dominate Northern Broadcasting” (they were also looking at buying Yorshit Television and TTTV). But like WLT, political infighting and poor finances prevented the move and pretty soon it would become a takeover target itself.

Crapton Television (Broadcasting Right-Wing Propaganda in London) was also interested in buying Bordem to spread their capitalist/traditionalist message to the North of England, which they have long desired since the notorious television wars between them and Grand Aids Television that led to the creation of ITV.

Tough Titties Television (Broadcasting Pornography in the North East of England), Richard Desmond was only really interested in extending his porn tv empire to the Lake District and the Scottish Borders on the cheap…

Rutland Weekend Television (The world’s best channel for comedy) Monty Python only bothered to bid to piss its rivals off by forcing them to bid higher for what is really a small tv station in the Lack District.

Mevin Bragg did not accept the Crapton Communications and TTTV bids because the former wanted to dismiss him and the latter wanted him sacked and for him to sell on the cheap. He also had major issues with the programming cotent of both channels.

By co-incidence, Saddam Hussein (who was then merely a wealthy oil trader and arms dealer) was visiting the Lake District after his failed coup against the government of Iraq at the time, this meant he was exiled from Iraq.

For one reason for another he ended up at the “studios” (A lockup garage near Melvin Bragg’s house) of Bordem Television plc (believe it or not, it was listed on the London Stock Exchange, although the share price was very low and the only shareholders was Mr Bragg himself, his local bank branch, his wife, his mum, the local shopkeeper and later the Lake District branch of the Communist Party).

After meeting Melvin Bragg and hearing him the vast financial problems he faced thanks to his tv station. Saddam had an idea, to convince the British public to support his attempts to take control of Iraq by buying the TV station.

So he offers Melvin Bragg a princely his shares to buy Bordem Television plc and buy out the other shareholders of the company in return for allowing Bragg to continue to present The South Bank Show and for Bordem to continue to show the channel.

The few remaining shareholders (including Melvin Bragg) agreed to the deal. Almost immediately it was which was re-branded Bomber Television later that year to give the name "more impact" and shortly afterwards sacked Melvin Bragg and scrapped the The South Bank Show in a dispute over the fact David Bowie called Saddam Hussein a cunt for his criticism of his dress sense. As expected, Saddam was very angry over this and thus broke his promise to Melvin Bragg. Bragg was very angry about this and later tried to kill Saddam. When that failed, he moved his show to Womens Lib Television in return for buying shares in the financially struggling station (which he could afford now that he was a billionaire).

Saddam Hussein by then managed to become President of Iraq and thus the station became part of Saddam Televison (the national broadcaster of Iraq). Without Melvin Bragg and his show (The South Bank Show), the ratings fell even further and pretty soon the only people bothering to watch Bomber Television was a few Communists in the Lake District/Scottish borders. The rest turned to Grand Aids Television for their share of seeing ITV shit.

So Saddam Hussein decided to fix the problem by making shows like:

(Work in Progress)

Despite all of them being very, very controversial, those shows where ratings hits and it become one of the major stations of the ITV Network. In fact when Grand Aids Television was in financial trouble thanks to its communist backers supporting the miners in the Miners Strike/Civil War of the North of England in the 1980s, Saddam bought the station, sacked Boss of the NUM as its boss and appointed himself.

He also scrapped most of its programmes (though Coronation Street was not one of them) launched new programming based on what he did at Bomber. This also meant Uday Hussein (his violent, womanizing, psychotic son of a bitch) took over at Bomber Shortly before the [Gulf War]], Saddam Hussein bought Womens Lib Television (WLT) to expand his media empire to the South of England. The cluster fuck that emerged afterwards meant he could not come to the UK as much as he liked. So he decided to merge Grand Aids Television, Bomber Television and WLT to form "Gran Ada Ventures Plc", a media empire which also has interests in arms dealing, drug smuggling and dealing, chemical weapons development and pornography.

This meant Janet Street-Porter managing WLT and Saddam's son Uday taking over the management of Bomber Television and Richard Desmond's Television X Group plc (which owned Yorshit Television and TTTV) took over the management of Grand Aids Television.

Later on Television X Group plc merged with Gran Ada Ventures Plc to form "Gran Ada Group Plc" and took control after the death of Saddam Hussein by American mercenaries. Desmond then merged Yorshit Television, TTTV and Grand Aids Television to form "Northern X Television", which he managed and which broadcast porn from Television X and the soaps made by Grand Aids and Yorshit. WLT and Bomber retained the same management and content however.

Afterwards Gra Ada Group plc merged with Crapton Average plc to from CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc , which (after the buyout of Gay Rights Enterprise plc, which ran the GMTV Breakfast TV operation) become the sole owner of the ITV Network in England and Wales, which in turn meant they all but dominated ITV.

Yet throughout the period, Uday Hussein (The son of Satan and Saddam Hussein) remained in charge and neither Saddam Hussein (who is dead anyway and his shareholding is now owned by Uday, which makes the latter the 2nd shareholder of CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc ), Richard Desmond (who is basically in charge of ITV in the North and the 4th biggest shareholder of CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc ), Carol Vorderman (who is basically in charge of ITV in the South and the 5th biggest shareholder of CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc ), David Cameron (who is in overall charge of CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc as CEO and its 2nd largest shareholder), Doctor Zoidberg (The Notorious Head of Central Zionist Television and Mossad’s Propaganda Division, somebody who really hated Uday for all he stood for) or even Roman Abramovich (The largest/majority shareholder and Chairman of CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc ) have done anything.

He took control of Bomber Television after the death of his beloved father [Saddam Hussein by American Mercenaries/Terrorists. Under him the programming content has gone downhill (where no man has gone before) even beyond the already low standards which applied under his father’s rule by commissioning programmes such as:

• Late Night with Uday (Like Parkinson, but with Uday Hussein, a lot of sadistic violence, a lot of sadistic sex, a lot of executions and a lot of gangster rap)

Sesame Street (You know…that kids programme full of sex, violence, bad language, gang wars, drug abuse and all the shit that life offers? Well Bomber Television is the only place in Blighty you can see this piece of crap)

• The Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late, Late Show with Cartman (From South Park, Colorado. Bomber Television now hosts Eric Cartman for a late night talk show about KFC, Jews, Mel Gibson, Hippies and why life is fucking shit)

Babylon (Like Homeland, but set in Iraq in the 1990s and with a lot more sadistic violence and sex)

Jihad Talk (A 3 hour debate hosted by Osama Bin Laden about Islam, the Koran, the Infidels in the West, Death to America, why the Jews are to blame for everything, how to find the best jihadis, what is haram and what is kosher and why the fuck they are in the Lake District on a channel run by a violent pimp?)

• Life from the Playboy Mansion (a 6 hour block showing the best fucking porn that is out there!)

• The Smiths (like The Soapranos, only set in Manchester and with a lot of sadistic violence, a lot of sadistic sex and a lot of gangster rap)

South Park (You know…the show set in the Rockies about 4 foul-mouthed and really idiotic kids which covers subjects such as sadomasochist sex, cartoon violence, Jesus, Mormons, Phil Collins, BP , Durkadurkastan, Mr Hanky, Jews, Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise)

Those are some of the programmes that are shown in the Lake District branch of the ITV. Although sadly for David Cameron (who regrets to this day he appointed that son of a bitch to run Bomber Television). While those programmes made by Bomber Television post some of the highest ratings in UK TV History, the station has been running a loss thanks to Uday's extravagant lifestyle and womanising, after all he spends more in one day than the average billionaire spends in a lifetime, not only that but Osama Bin Laden and Eric Cartman don't come cheap...

This has ultimately the main reason why CrapAda Eye Teevee continues to make a loss (despite selling the family silver) and why the mafia boss in charge would rather fund that football team of his rather than fund Uday's hooker expenses. Not only that, but the US Air Force tried to bomb the station due to the fact Jihad Talk (hosted by Osama Bin Laden) is the best way to recruit jihadis to kill infidels, however thanks to various cock-ups and drinking games, they ended up bombing Belfast instead.

Angling Television

Angling

boooored!

Angling Television was launched in 1952 by the East Anglia Angling Association and Anglian Attributes plc. Originally, it showed 23 hours a day of arousing Anglian Angling action, but its angling programming quota has significantly been reduced since. It was purchased by pisshead Carol Vordeman in 1995 (who also owned Median), however it was flogged to Gran Ada Television in 2000 after being sold to United Nobheads and Moles briefly in in 1996. Gran Ada crusaded across and torched down Angling's studios, leaving the remains of one fishing net. Angling's CEO until 1995 was Prince Kevin Charming, who was originally seen in Angling's idents carrying round the Angling flag on the end of a fishing rod.

Women's Lib Television (WLT)

Womens Liberation Television plc was formed in the 60s as a communist/feminist TV Channel in London to rival the right-wing Crapton Television. It was formed by the ultra-feminist/commie Janet Street-Porter after falling out with her boss (when working for Crapton) Maggie Thatcher over the merits of Socialism.

With the help of communist/feminist organizations such as the Socialist Workers Party, the London Women’s Liberation Front and the Labour Party , they launched during the hippie era with programs such as:

• World without Men (A discussion show about why women rule and why men suck)

• Tonight with Janet Street-Porter (A talk show Like Parkinson, but with more communism and feminism)

• Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask) (A Documentary series about everything about sex! sex! sex!)

• A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (The first sitcom in the UK to be pornographic)

• The Ken Livingstone Show (Hosted by Ken Livingstone A current affairs programme about Islam, Socialism, Communism and why Maggie Thatcher was a cunt)

• Night with Frost (Hosted by womanister David Frost and one of the few mainstream programmes on WLT, this is a current affairs program which features him

• The South Bank Show (This is a show about bohemian arty and hippy types talking about their latest “work” or some rubbish like that, it is hosted by Melvin Bragg. Unlike most WLT shows, it was originally started at another ITV station, which was Bomber Television, which he himself founded and owned. It moved to WLT when Saddam Hussein bought the station off Bragg for a princely sum, but resulted in his show getting cancelled and he himself getting the sack. Which Saddam promised he would not do.)

The channel from the start was always loss making due to a audidence preference for Crapton (especually after it lanuched its own "sexy" dramas and comedies), cronic mismanagement, various management disputes and politcal infighting. The channel kept on going when the billionaire former owner of Bomber Television (Melvin Bragg) invested into WLT (becoming the largest individual shareholder and holding the second largest shareholding after the communist/feminist originations, which ultimately owned and managed the station though Janet Street-Porter), in return WLT allowed Bragg to relaunch The South Bank Show (Which Saddam Hussein scrapped after buying Bomber Televsion) on their network. Not that it helped their ratings and finances…

By the time Thatcher turned to politics in the 80s, the station was bankrupt and was on the verge of shutting down, after Rupert Murdoch tried to buy the station (and turn it into a TV version of The Sun), Saddam Hussein (Who already owned Grand Aids Television and Bomber Television) bought the station.

Saddam then decided to merge Grand Aids Television, Bomber Television and WLT to form "Gran Ada Ventures Plc", a media empire which also has interests in arms dealing, drug smuggling and dealing, chemical weapons development and porography. However Janet Street-Porter was still managing WLT and Saddam's son Uday took over the management of Bomber Television and Richard Desmond's Television X Group plc (which owned Yorshit Television and TTTV) took over the management of Grand Aids Television.

Melvin Bragg was worried about the takeover however, since he feared getting the sack and seeing The South Bank Show after seeing exactly that happen when Saddam bought Bomber Television (which Mevin used to own and run). However he was assured when Saddam Hussein left Janet Street-Porter in charge of WLT.

Unlike his fellow communist/feminist originations (who accepted cash from the takeover to prevent them from suffering financial meltdown (thanks to the end of the Cold War, Bragg accepted shares in the new holding company “Gran Ada Ventures plc” (Owning Bomber Television, Grand Aids Television and WLT), thus becoming the second biggest shareholder (After Saddam Television, the Iraqi national broadcaster, later transferred to Uday Hussein, Saddam’s son). Thus he was in the ironic position of being in part-ownership in Bomber Television once again.

Janet Street-Porter however, also did the same thing (accepting shares in Gran Ada Ventures plc) and thus becoming the 3rd biggest shareholder in one of the largest broadcasters in Europe. Bragg and Street-Porter also joined the board of directors of Gran Ada Ventures plc. The other board of directors consisted of Saddam Hussein, His wife, his lovers, his son Uday Hussein, his relative and general Chemical Ali, his ally George Galloway (a ex-shareholder/ex-investor in WLT), Kermit the Frog, Osama Bin Laden and Miss Piggy.

Later on Television X Group plc merged with Gran Ada Ventures Plc to form "Gran Ada Group Plc" and took control after the death of Saddam Hussein by American mercenaries. Desmond then merged Yorhshit Television, TTTV and Grand Aids Television to form "Northern X Television", which he managed and which broadcat porn from Television X and the soaps made by Grand Aids and Yorshit. WLT and Bomber retained the same managment and content however.

When Gran Ada Ventures plc merged with Television X Group plc, further board directors where added such as Richard Desmond, Katie Price, Kelly Brook and [[Jimmy Savile]. This lead to a growing problem of infighting between the various factions of Gran Ada Group plc made worse by the death of Saddam Hussein which led to a power struggle between Richard Desmond and Uday Hussein (both of which are the largest shareholders in the company).

Meanwhile at WLT, Janet Street-Porter (who sided with Uday, who by then was her main lover) not only had to deal with the remaining Communists/Femminsts within WLT, she also had to deal with declining viewship (who incresingly went to Crapton) and attempts by Richard Desmond (of Television X and now Gran Ada Group) to impose his Television X format (bascially lots of graphic and cheap porn mixed with ultra-right wing propaganda that could have come from Maggie Thatcher onto WLT. This being Janet Street-Porter, shre called on the IRA to use force against the HQ of Yorshit Television in Leeds, this resulted in

Gay Men TV (GMTV)

Gay Men TV (or GMTV for shot) was launched in the Early 80s by struggling comedian Alan Carr via his newly acquired gay publishing business Gay Rights Enterprise plc (The world’s biggest LGBT publisher). He did this after ITV had decided to a launch (then fashionable) “Breakfast TV”, which was basically showing more of the crap ITV made even earlier in the day.

The only programme they broadcast is Good Morning Wankers, which is broadcast between 6 AM and 10 AM. It basically consists of gay porn, S&M, Celebrity Interviews and Alan Carr, along with some jihadi propaganda. Despite this, the show proved rather successful and helped make Gay Rights Enterprise become the world’s biggest gay porn company.

They also launched the Men and Men channel (Britain’s first gay porn channel) with Televison X, which is run by Richard Desmond, who also owns Northern X Television (formally Grand Aids Television, Yorshit Television and TTTV) , Women's Lib Televsion (WLT) and Bomber Television with Saddam Hussein and later his son Uday Hussein though Gran Ada Group plc.

Recently Alan Carr called it a day and sold Gay Rights Enterprise plc to CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc (which was formed by the merger of Gran Ada Group plc and Crapton Average Group plc), this means CrapAda Eye Teevee now owns GMTV, Men and Men and is the biggest provider of pornography in the UK (of all types). Alan Carr also become one of the richest men in England with the deal. However Alan Carr is still in charge of GMTV, so you will still see Gay Porn with your breakfast in the morning.

Legal Alligations

Your mom ident

since your moms so fat shes a region here is the itv regional ident.

Health Effects

Over the years ITV has become involved in many accusations that the material that they have broadcast has irreversible effects to health. In 2009 - 2010 the channel received over 100,000 allegations that viewers had lost brain cells as a result of watching shows such as Britains Got Talent and Im a Celebraty Get Me Out of Here!

On Jan 31st 2011 the Womens Instutute attempted to sue ITV for broadcasting day-time talk show Loose Women claiming that it bought on post-menstrual effects triggered by the various whinging and moaning associated with show. The case was taken to the crown court but Judge Clive Pounds decided that this was untrue and stated that "Viewers are prone to this regardless of whether they watch the show or not. Most of the viewers are either un-employed middle aged dragons, benefit cheating single mums or feckless housewives."

The biggest allegation however, is that ITV shows propaganda from Jihadi and Islamic organisations like Al Qaeda which in turn increases the number of people willing to fight infidels for the purpose of Jihad.

Programmes such as Jihad Talk (hosted by Osama Bin Laden on Bomber Television, an ITV affiliate) have said to be the inspiration for 99.11% of all acts of Jihad.

This has meant the companies that run ITV have been targets for bombing by the US Air Force and by terrorist attacks backed by the CIA. One recent attack involved bombing the HQ of ITV in London, they killed tens of thousands in the studio and the surrounding area while they were filming the X Factor, sadly [Simon Cowell]] and [David Cameron]] survived the attack.

See also

  • Quizmania
  • Channel 4 (the good alternative, for those who like reality TV crap and makeover shows)
  • BBC (ahoy?)
  • S4C (Welsh languaged channel for Wales)
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ITV is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
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