IPod yocto

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“I invented this, but Steve Jobs done stole it. He done stole it good.”
~ Oscar Wilde on IPod yocto
The iPod yocto is Apple's 1,337th digital audio player this year. It was introduced Tomorrow* as a part of the company's newest line of fun-time gadgetry**.

Work on the iPod yocto began 13 minutes ago. The yocto is the smallest yet of the iPods: its width and length are physically impossible to measure simultaneously, and it is the first known digital audio player to weigh less than air.

The yocto sells in 2 MB (3 songs) for $2,029 USD and in 2.1 MB (4 songs) for $20,000,029 plus your firstborn child (to be eaten by Steve Jobs).

It was launched in two colors: burnt sienna and beige.

* This author does NOT engage in insider trading.

** Sell! Sell! Sell!

Features

Ipodhando

The iPod yocto.

Ipodyocto

The iPod yocto, seen at zoom times 2,400.

The iPod yocto boasts many new features:

  • Mega audio: for the first time, users can listen to the songs on his/her iPod using mega audio, which is far superior to normal audio. The only difference is relative volume.
  • Mini headphones: these extremely tiny headphones absorb into your eardrum, much as an iPod Yocto goes into your skin. They connect to the iPod Yocto via your bloodstream, and when that fails (usually during heart attack or stroke), Bluetooth Wireless technology.
  • Easy transport: users no longer have to deal with clunky iPods that can barely fit in their contact lense cases. Now iPods can be taken anywhere, including submarines, contortionists' containers, and clown cars!
  • Self-attachment: the iPod Yocto halfway osmoses onto your skin, so it won't come off.
  • Full-color 3-D holographic display: the yocto uses a new "screen" (possibly a play on "yoctoscreen") to project the song that the iPod is playing onto any of the 120 compatable iBillboards that have been constructed across the world. Or, if Ted Danson is nearby, it will project on his forehead. Inside sources claim that the next generation will be called "eye pod" with displays directed to the neuron connecting the cornea to vision centre of the brain***
  • Fission batteries: the yocto may weigh less than your grandma's eyelash, but thanks to Einstein's atomicalious formula E=mc^2, you can be sure it has the radioactive juice to power a small city.
  • New click wheel: the click wheel now merges with the grooves that make up your thumbprint. This doesn't really do anything except tell the police that you were listening to Cher when you knocked over that 7-11.
  • Super shuffle technology: super shuffle technology randomly replaces songs with ragtime tunes covered by William Shatner. Never hear the same boring song twice!
  • Osmosis recharge: the iPod yocto can actually fit itself through the user's plasma membrane, using ribosomes to charge up its batteries with protein, or something about biology.
  • DNA immersion: the yocto immerses itself in the user's DNA and automatically downloads iTunes based on the user's genes! If the required music cannot be found, the users genes can be altered to better reflect iTunes' selection.

*** May not work if you are called George Bush or if you love pretzels

Reaction

The reaction was extremely positive at the announcement, and over three billion units were sold, generating over $19 quadrillion pesos in revenue for Apple. eBay took a hit, as several million old iPods went unsold. Market analyst Steve Ballmer noted, "I love iPod yocto. I love puppies. I love all people. We need more love, and less hate. Spread peace!"

Complaints

Most customers wondered why they could not see their iPod, which would be different than the picture on the box. Apple responded with a press release stating, "Box images not to scale." About 99.192% of costumers complained of losing their iPod within seconds of opening the package. A few customers reported accidentally eating their iPods, and only knowing of the ingestion when diagnosed with silicon poisoning.

Some customers reported minor cracking of the screen during the osmosis process.

Discontinuation

The iPod yocto became obsolete and was discontinued two days from now, when Apple released its newest product, iPod Straightedge, which gave users line-drawing capabilites never before seen from a digital audio device.


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