Iphone
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“Wardy loves dick and bum fucks the IPhone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wardy”
~ the iPhone
“Me Tarzan, you Jane!”
~ IPhone on it's true identity
“You can(t) stick "copy/paste" up your ass!”
~ Steve Jobs on the iPhone OS
- This is a disambiguation page. This page could refer to anything on the list, or it could refer to Tom Jones. Dr Who knows?
iPhone is the fourth son of Satan, after Oscar Wilde, Chuck Norris and Ross Kemp. He is best known for being the founder of the evil empire Apple and is also infamously notorious for directing the movie, "Bill Gates-Pirate Of The Silly Valley". Recently, Iphone has been reported by the US intelligence to be suffering from rare strain of Cancer known as Macmillian Cancer.
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[edit] Etymology/Epydydymis
The word iPhone was originally thought to be derived from the words "I" and "phone" which mean, I and phone respectively. However, recent archaelogical finds have shown that the Egyptians were actually the ones who coined the word Iphone, through serious mispronunciation of the name of the badass villain from "The Mummy". Instead of reading the name as Imhotep, Tutankhamun, being the illiterate incompetent pharoah that he was, thought Imhotep's resume to be a fan letter. As such, he interpreted the word Imhotep as "Im hot, eh?", resulting in widespread mispronunciation of the name, varying from reasonably tolerable ones like "Imp whore tap" to completely ridiculous ones like "Wikipedia". Among the comedy of errors was the variant "Iphone". God, being omnipotent as he is, overheard it and thus decided to name his son Iphone.
[edit] History
As with all other sons of Satan, Iphone was randomly stuck together after a severe overdose of alcohol and an unusually high stupidity count. The only noticeable difference here was that instead of doing a woman, Satan did what he euphemise to be "testing the USB port of a supercomputer". Nine months later, Iphone was hurled into a disinterested world. To be greeted with a world wide appraisal of, "meh". Except to the small minority of people with trendy glasses and Audi TTs who thought it was so good they unflichingly embraced this piece of old technology and the 5 meter long bill that broke their door down every month.
Since birth, it was obvious that Iphone had an inexplicable inclination towards apples as he loved eating them. This was especially displeasing to Satan, as the man despised apple-eaters, thus explaining why Adam and Eve were sent to Earth. Anyway, Iphone eventually ended up taking a bite from one of the apples in the Garden Of Eden and the rest was history. He was instantly banished to Earth. Henceforth, Iphone vowed to seek revenge, first by forming the cult now known to many as Apple, named obviously after the fruit that led to his downfall. Initially, Apple was unsuccessfull as most people had trouble communicating with Iphone as he only spoke in binary. Thus, to ensure the survival of his club, oops, I meant empire, he knew that he needed a messiah; one so well versed in the ways of the GEEK such that the messiah would facilitate the process of spreading his propaganda. As such, Bill "Granny Molester" Gates, the then champion from the reality TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Nerd" was Iphone's prime candidate as his messiah. Unfortunately, Gates was already in line with the Uber-Devil in forming what is now known only as Microsoft. So, instead the runner up, Steve Jobs was chosen. Throughout its existence Apple has tried countless times to brainwash the public into believing that all words in the English language should begin with the letter "I". iHowever, iSatan ilaunched ia icounter icampaign icalled iChristianity ito iteach ithe ipublic iproper iEnglish. iJesus iwon ithe iPulitzer ifor ihis iamazing icontributions iin ithe ifield iof iliterature.
As his initial attempts were foiled, Iphone resulted to desperate measures by launching the Mac computers. Mac computers, just like Terminators, were built by Cyberdine Systems with the help of Apple and a certain Californian governor. While the Macs were initially successful in conquering "holy" territory, they were soon defeated by a brooding Christian Bale.
Iphone then gave up and killed himself (Hurrah!). Taking advantage of the situation, Steve Jobs crowned himself Apple-Cunt but it was only a matter of time before all the power went to his head. After fathering more than a thousand illegitimate computers, such as Lisa, he was overthrown by Coca Cola traitor, Santa Claus. So, realizing that Apple was in chaos without a leader, the inner circle of Apple-men decided (unwisely) to create a clone of Iphone, this time giving him "advanced" "features" such as the ability to MMS, copy and paste and make low quality phone calls some of the time. Thus, Iphone 2.0 was created.
Iphone 2.0, being now able to plagiarize, copied the strategies applied by his opponents and soon overthrew The God of Connections and Relationships, Nokia. His victory brought him so much arrogance that Iphone 2.0 renamed himself Iphone S, short for Iphone, ASShole raper. Currently, Iphone S is believed to be working with Megatron and Obama in their plans to secretly take over the world.
[edit] Sightings
Sightings of Iphone and Iphone S were so rare that some believed him to be no more than a myth. However, in 20000000BC, Albert Einstein(the one that went back in time) proved his existence using simple logic: Jesus is the son of Satan Iphone is the son of Steve Jobs Steve Jobs is a wanker Therefore, Iphone is the son of a wanker. Iphone is Jesus At the same time, Jesus is love Love is blind Stevey Wonders is blind Stevie Wonders is real Jesus is really wank Iphone is really Hitler in disguise.
Despite the convincing arguments, Neils Bohr, a grouchy grandpa disagreed by accusing Stevie of faking his blindness.
It was not until 1809 when the confusion was cleared by Richard Dawkins, the most famous pope of all time, and Charles Darwin, the second savior to the Muslim world. These two found remains of the original Iphone in Bill Gate's drawer, thus proving once and for all that Iphone is sadly real.
[edit] The iPhone Disease
Use of the iPhone eventually induces a mental condition in all users called iRetard. The disease exhibits many symptoms, such as sucking on Dennis' penis-. iLove is also another disease, resulting in users to constantly talk about their love of iPhone non stop.
Another huge symptom is the obsessive need to waste money on Apps for the iphone. These apps are usually small programs that provide information that the user could easily just look up on the internet, but since it goes through the iApp, the information is 100x better and sexier.
Having a such a rare and precious treasure like an iPhone inevitably causes the rich users to be afraid of having it stolen from them. For this reason, most iPhone (and other apple product) users will wear jeans with holes in them, and old shirts. Their hair will usually be unkempt, and they will frequent dingy little coffee shops with couches and chairs that all are sagging and falling apart.
Eventually, the mind of the iPhone user will completely melt into nothing. Most users of the iphone listen to indie rock,have facial hair, smell their own farts, use gay ass twitter and face book, and go to parties every weekend in new york.
[edit] See Also
Apple Product Range
| iPods: | iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Yotta - iPod Macro - iPod Invisa - iPod mono - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod IV - iPod Slim - iPod Huge - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - iCan't Believe It's Not Butter |
| iDevices: | iMac - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iSuicide - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack - iDiot |
| iHardware: | Cheese graters - Cast Spell Key - Applesauce - MacBook - MacBook Air - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth - iPhone |
| iSoftware: | iTunes - iMovie - Linux (Only For Mac) - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y |
| i3rd Party Mods: | iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - üPod - phonePod - Video iPod Nano U2 HD - iTrip - Hacking the iPhone |
| iGaming: | iBox360 - iTari -General Grievous - iPodore 64 - iPodendo - iBoy |
| iLlnesses: | Neuroipods |
| iFelonies: | iFraud |
| iReligion: | Cult of Apple |
