IKEA

IKEA facade. The store is capable of transforming into a fully-armoured attack robot at night, and could cross the English Channel in two leaps. Unfortunately several small but important screws were missing from the kit, and the instructions were in Albanian Yiddish. On the only occasion when the actual transformation was attempted, one leg flew off the beast and demolished a nearby Starbucks.

An acronymn standing for "I Know Evil Acquisitions," IKEA make and sell flat-pack furniture but due to restrictions in the law in many nations are unable to deliver. Many people get around this by driving Volvo station wagons to IKEA and filling them to the brim with gaudy plastic tat made by Lars Larsson and called something ridiculous like the OMSBROM toaster rack.

Other notable items sold by IKEA over the years are the KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand, the QUISLING wall-lamp and the MARMOSET spinning mobile chair. IKEA furniture is made of balsa wood and comes with a small metal key. Instructions are usually in English and are of the standard "insert flange A into sprocket ZB-5001C" type.

IKEA is seen by many as the happiest place on earth, what better way to spend their saturdays then by carrying a wardrobe through a carpark. IKEA is also a great place to spot the elusive argumentative couple, who can usually be found arguing over lampshades and the right to bear arms. It has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon.

Secondary Profit Areas

IKEA currently turn profits of $5 billion US per hour thanks to their secondary roles as:

• a major cocaine distribution outfit. Ties to the Scandinavian Mob have been denied although Don Don Donssohn has indicated that he owns the majority of shares as of this time and that "Youse all best be careful or you'll wake up with a HOERSHEDD foot warmer".

• (with surprisingly little modification) a line of vast torture chambers designed along the same lines as the mazes given to laboratory antelopes. The whole concept is founded on the idea that the public crave suffering, and so the range is particularly popular in Scotland. IKEA has actually been known to provide additional funding to fire houses in their community through bribes designed to offset any fire codes for clearly labeled and reachable store exits.

• Swedish meatballs merchants with cheap meat ingredients from McDonald's.

• Intense Marriage Counseling Sessions - visits to IKEA stores are used to provide intense compatibility testing for thousands of young and old couples who wish to test the patience of their loved ones and the strength of their union. The ability of a married couple to survive a shopping trip to Ikea is thought to be one of the strongest indicators of an extremely strong bonding. Psychiatrists and marriage counselers normally are given a referral fee of 10% by the store for prescribing trips.

Little Known Facts

• The name IKEA is actually Swedish for 'Give us your wallet'
• The hot dogs sold in their cafe are actually made from ground up babies, topped with the souls of angels, all wrapped up in a whole wheat bun.
• In Dutch, the name is a common acronym for 'Ik Koop Er Alles' (I buy everything there).