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IIT Madras refers to the 640 acre piece of land in the south Indian city of Madras, now known Chennai, that every nine and a half out of ten tamizhan parents want their child to go to college at. The city that IIT Madras is located in has since changed its name to Chennai; nonetheless, having been established by a charter of the Central Government of India, its official name remains the Institute of Indian Technology, Madras. The name is likely to be corrected after the next election when by the rotation policy; a south Indian minister is expected to take charge of the "ministry in charge of the correct nomenclature of higher technological institutions with special focus on the IITs especially in the south of the country". That is as far as official goes. Unofficially, it is often referred to as "Indian Institute of Technology, Madras", "Institute of Infinite Torture, Madras" etc. The local Hindi version of the name is "Hindustani takniki mahavidyalay(which often confuses people with mahila vidyalay), Madaras" which is pretty close to the official Hindi translation which has been discarded due to its un-pronounce-ability.

It is especially well known for the scenic wilderness. The campus had been carved out of a national sanctuary which no one had heard of till the 1960s. The sanctuary is now very famous in quizzing circles for being the smallest national sanctuary in the known universe.

Contents 1 History 2 Economy 3 Hostels 4 Facilities 5 Research 6 Administration 7 Departments 7.1 Humanity Department 7.2 Physucks Department 7.3 Mathema-ticks Department 7.4 Electrical Engaynearing Department 7.5 Transportation 7.6 Friendly Neighbours 7.6.1 Taramani 7.6.2 Vellachery 7.6.3 Anna University 7.7 External Links

[edit] History

In 1956, the German Government decided it needed to get rid of its outdated technical apparatus and know-how and followed the Russian lead offering technical assistance for establishing an institute of higher education in engineering in India. Many Indian bureaucrats went on fully paid trips to Germany and finally IIT Madras was setup. Official support from the German government ended when it realised that the US and India were benefiting more than itself from the institute. In 29th Feb,1993 the famous "bang buck revolution" changed the way iitans go to their classes.Kidnapping a black buck by motorcycle would be easier than in a cycle. After brooding over it,in 29th feb 2003,the "bang buck" pact was signed between the secretary of NSS(national security for social life of animals) and the one. The pact states that:

1. No pact would be signed hereafter
2. Everyone can view a black buck in their VDUs

“Riding a cycle is healthier than riding a bike”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on bicycle

[edit] Economy

Apart from over-generous grants from the government of India, The institute also benefits from the extensive industry "interaction". When the system of DASA (special admission and special fee for People of Indian Origin) was disbanded, the institute hit upon a novel way to make up for the dip in income from the fees. Today, you can find a huge number of foreign students on "exchange" programs. It is a different matter though that no student from India is involved in the "exchange".

The entire economy of the village of Taramani is dependent on the IIT. The village has 312 cigarette vendors, 127 photocopying machines, 234 bicycle repairers, 213 auto drivers, 222 motorcycle parking zones, 7 telephones and three toilets.

The institute's student population is also solely responsible for turning three single-room catering firms into multi-million rupee establishments. The catering contracts of the institute are very coveted and full-fledged mafia help is necessary to obtain the contract or run the service. This mafia is often referred to as the sambar mafia.

Apart from politicians, the only beneficiaries are the professors who explain foreign instruction manuals for imported machines for companies and make hazaar bucks (companies come through Iciyessaar).The processors also make quick bucks by taking bribes to allow(females)in the hostel if they are warden. The amount of bribes are increasing exponentially, resulted in increased applications of processors to become Warden. Yielding to the pressure, the Dons have decided to make few more hostels, following few threats of quitting by some processors. To fill the hostels many new courses are being offered.

[edit] Hostels

Male Hostels:

There are 15 hostels at IIT Madras. Some of the hostels enjoy underwater experience like Mandakini(Which is soon going to be demolished, because the Don can't see the happy faces of the Manadakites playing in water and thus is throwing them in the latest and peaceful hostel named Mahanadi-which is the good for hard work in study, only Matka's [M.tech's] and PHD's stay). Some other hostel includes ganga, where the Don(students) likes to visits now and then to catch some Boozed and Fagged "GAYS-stars".

NA-MARDA : There is one techno-stud hostel - Na-marda(a whole bunch of na marda's) due to their tech behavior, here the students after a long research have made a robot with satisfies every need of the students which includes washing their cloths, waking them up for the stupid classes where they again go and sleep, making them tea during exams, and even gratify their unholy deeds. It is understood that Non-males find it comfortable to befriend with the Na-mardatie's probably due to their resemblance in characterstics.

TA-PATI(intially LAPATA) :It was realized 'yesterday' that there is a hostel named Tapti. But the fact that it exist is still debatable. Even though there were reports that it houses some 'n' number of students the juntas from other hostels find it hard to believe if anyone really stays there. The residents of Tapti are known for their great excellence in lit, tech and sport fields. The fact that no one other then the residents believe it is yet another fact.

JA-MUNNA: The hostel boast(now only boast) of its glory of being the best hostel in Sports and Hostel spirit was named during the Second Great Water Crises of IITM. Profs who have survived the great crises can be contacted personally anytime for the complete details, though in short it was learnt that the short water supply was supplemented with long letter of instructions by the administration. Students were given water once in two day and were asked to eat dry stuff to reduce their droppings. Bathing(an act forbidden by the letter of instruction) was considered crime and students used to called for disciplinary action(DisCo), if caught. But the biggest problem(due to scarcity of water) was sorted out by the Chee-Chee-WaterWash-assosiation(known as CCWA) which started sending students to the back of Jamuna for relieving themselves and use the flood water of Mandak. While Don appreciated this solution and alloted fund to erect walls for the sake of Dick-neeti(Dignity) of the Institute, the student community had responded coldly to this arrangement and used the "Letter of instructions" as toilet papers. CCWA's consistent reply "ja-Munna" to complaining students ended up as name for the hostel.

All the hostels houses hot-cold water dispensers at strategic locations. There have been many issues regarding these water dispensers. Most recent being the case as to should the chowkidhars a.k.a security guard(a false designation/name used by the authorities to make the nerds feel safe) refill the dispenser when it gets empty. But to everyone's unconcern no solutions yet. The hostels have been so designed as to provide most possible cover for masturbating and seclusion. The hostels also have a small patch of earth called quadrangle. This is the place where many fulfill their sports fantasy and attain excellence. The authorities keeping in mind the athletic capabilities of the juntas designed it to be small so that the players feel a sense of gratification because it reduces the overall strength and effort.

Non-Male Hostels :

(1) Sharavati (who's name is often confused with Saraswati) and (2) Sarayu. In these hostel stays the Non-Males at IIT Madras which are called girls by the junta outside IIT campus.

[edit] Facilities

The Institutes of Indian Technology all around India are much famed for the excellent facilities. The most important facility at IIT Madras is the Mass Urination Facility (MUF) present in the Home of Sensible BTechs (HSB). The state-of-the-art MUF can simultaneously accommodate all the non-teaching faculty, students and non-teaching staff of the HSB. Calculations have shown that the MUF can accommodate more than 160 research scholars simultaneously. The MUF is frequently used by B. Techs and Research Scholars of the institute for optimization experiments on maximizing libido during masturbation, since no girls are available for them.

It should be clearly understood that the MUF, although similar to a toilet or a urinal in appearance, is actually significantly different from a toilet for three reasons:

• Toilets are generally left open during the night or when the offices are not working. The MUF is closed at 5:30 PM sharp when the attendants leave the other laboratories.
• Toilets are generally located on each floor of a building. The MUF, being a research facility, is located only on the ground and second floors of the HSB.
• Toilets are typically designed to accommodate 10 people at a time. The MUF caters to the humongous research demands of the institute and thus is capable of catering to the research demands of more than 26 people per laboratory at a time.

Other facilities of less importance include the Ultramodernised Junk-Dump Facility (UJD) behind the Department of Electrocution Engineering, the Weed Growing Facility (whose location remains undisclosed) and the Reverse Osmosis (R.O.) plant which is set up to convert the seminal flush from the boys hostels into "potable" water.

“This is probably the largest such facility in the world, which is what prides me of being the director of such an institution”

~ Director, IITM on MUF

“No more blowjobbing to quench my thirst!”

~ Oscar Wilde on R.O. plant

[edit] Research

A recent break-through (Parabola et. al., 2009. Publication Pending) from studies conducted at the MUF shows that maximum masturbational pleasure is obtained for most human beings at a stroke frequency given by where the springiness constant is related to the Young's modulus of the erect penis along the direction of erection, and is the mass of the penis. It is evident that this comes from the condition for resonance between the penis and the applied force. Clearly, this is only a first-order term in a Taylor-like expansion since effects of resonance with cardiac pulse are ignored. The cardiac pulse contributes to the resonance and somewhat shifts this peak-pleasure-point from the first-order value. However, the cardiac contribution occurs at low frequencies and is negligible except in Elephant penises and giant human penises. To get a feel for numbers, we give some typical numbers:

Parameters	Calculated Frequency	Measured Frequency	Minimum Time to Ejaculate
Average 6 year-old kid	0.336 Hz	(We could not perform this experiment due to legal restrictions)	3 s (without [porn])
Average 16 year-old	1.42 Hz	1.44 Hz	30 s (without porn), 3 s (with porn)
Average 18 year-old	3.23 Hz	3.44 Hz	5 minutes (without porn), 1 minute (with porn)
Average 21 year-old	9.3 Hz	9.7 Hz	(without porn), 15 minutes (with porn)
The research scholar pictured	2.85 KHz	3.14 KHz	(without porn), 1 hour (with porn)

IIT Madras has other pioneering research to its credit. Other notable papers published in journals of international repute include "The plagiarized works of Immanuel Kant", "On the Electrodynamics of Non-Male Bodies", "Magnetization properties of Y_1.1Ba_1.8Cu_3.1O", "Magnetization properties of Y_1.2Ba_1.7Cu_3.1O", "Magnetization properties of Y_1.1Ba_1.9Cu₃O", "Magnetization properties of Y_1.3Ba_1.8Cu₃O", and "Magnetization properties of Y_1.2Ba₂Cu_2.9O".

[edit] Administration

The administration is carried out by dons assigned to different aspects like don (students), don (planning), don (funding) etc. The director is the titular head of the institute. However, the real power rests in two dons namely don (students) and don (acads). The rest of the dons, the senate and the director and their decisions have no bearing on anyone living to the south of the Gajendra Circle. The only other person with considerable powers of torture is the CSO (Chief Scrutiny Officer)

The institute also boasts of a "democratically" elected student council. However, the only real use out of this council to the students is to have someone to blame and to the administration is that it need not lend ears to any complaints directly.

[edit] Departments

[edit] Humanity Department

IIT Madras humanity department one and only department to have female students except managements.While All departments have a incorporate sponsored project to fund themselves Humanities and social science is the department which sells Tea, kafee and cholete to fund itself. HSS department has got the only MUF (mass urination facility)in the whole campus/ The newly introduced Five integrated MA (pronounced yum yeh or sometimes yum yum) is known for producing psudeputters. They have their own entrance exam HSEE which is meant to test the dumbness of the boys and femaleness of the girl. They call themselves as IITian because everyone else call them ch*t . In the first sem of the MA course the only thing which is taught to them is to pronounce "Hi DuD! Whatssup" (HS101) and to do a perfect pelvic thrust . They had to make this there patent line because of identity crises .They think they're the dudes because they already used booze fag and shagg which a typical engineering undergraduate takes 2 to 3 years.Though none of of engineering student ever look into the books, references and articles suggested by professor to pass any humanity course but none of yem yeh student ever managed to pass any course without a cup. Mr. Bean holds record to making it to yum yeh with least number of cups . Among set of the other eminent alumnus includes not only the profs who teach like Mr. Vrooom, here but also Jenna Jameson ,Ali G,Michael Jackson,Paris Hilton and list goes on.There is also another list which world is thankful to the department for not giving them admission which includes Gorge W. Bush,Richard feynman,Robert Openheime .

[edit] Physucks Department

The Physucks Department of IIT Madras is known to make the maximum number of contributions in the world in the field of Libido Maximization and Magnetization properties of materials.

Some of the most notable publications in IITM come from this department. The department has repeatedly won credit for being the department with the largest volume of publications for the past 11 years. Most of the research activity comprises of "Magnetization studies in non-stoichiometric YBCO" - at least 180000 publications have been published by the stalwarts of this department in journals of high repute in this field in the past 3 years.

The Physucks Department has 2 Labs that are a part of the MUF and carries out important libido maximization experiments there.

As far as academics are concerned, the department offers a number of interesting courses on topics like "Classified Field Theory", "Condom Dots" (as a [Mallu] would pronounce it), "Magnetization properties of YBCO", "Grinding and Sintering Workshop", "Chakki Pisana workshop", "Feezicks Labe", and "Statistical Physucks".

The students of this department are generally seen talking a language called "Phiddish" which sounds remotely like English, but mostly comprises of longer words and phrases that nobody else understands (viz. N=4 Supersymmetric Yang Mills Theory), which pisses off a lot of electronomes in particular.

[edit] Mathema-ticks Department

[edit] Electrical Engaynearing Department

The Electrical Engaynearing Department is the most famous concentration camp after those set up by the Nazis. Electronomes, as the students are called, are subjected to a variety of tortures such as induction heating, cupping, rod-grading, discombobulation and high-voltage shocks from van De Graaf generators.

The department offers several courses on the various forms of frequency-domain transforms including "Fourier Transform" (often called "Networks and Systems"), "Laplace Transform", "Z-Transform" (a.k.a. "ADSP"), "Hilbert Transform" (a.k.a. ADF) and "Complex Analysis".

[edit] Transportation

The institute is full of care for the environment, so the students cannot use powered vehicles in the campus. Professors, their spouses, their children, visitors, school children, workers, their friends and their friends (series goes on) can all use power vehicles. The institute itself employs 43 smoke belching Lorries and seven huge construction machines everyday for the construction activities. Primary means of transportation is the bicycle followed by a battery of battery operated vans which charge only one rupee to take you wherever you don't want to go. It is always the previous or the next van that goes to the place you wanted to.

The roads were once beautiful, scenic and well paved. For a few days every four years, boats become the chief mode of transport.

[edit] Friendly Neighbours

[edit] Taramani

Taramani is the name of the village(it was once a village) located at the back of IITM.It is the sole boost up place for the fatigued students of IITM. Taramani sutta center is the new name of this place.Services provided other than moral boost are the tea,cycle boost up.

[edit] Vellachery

[edit] Anna University

[edit] External Links

• The Hitchhiker's guide to IIT-Madras. Retrieved on 2007-08-21.