ICarly

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Icarly
iCarly

iCarly is an extremely funny television show, which does not deserve harassment by you Uncyclopedia n00bs.[1] It is one of the best TV shows I know, and this page transforms it into an abomination.[2]

And another thing... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP! I was a writer for this show who got to join the project late because I came up with the character of Spencer (who was actually funny in his mindless goofiness), but things got REALLY BAD when I decided to find out why everyone seemed to know something I didn't! THEY CAUGHT ME AND HAVE HAD ME TIED UP IN JENNETTE MCCURDY's CLOSET EVER SINCE THIS SHOW BEGAN!!!! (Needless to say, I didn't get paid, and they never credit me on the show.) I just got loose, but there's too much security to escape! McCurdy just finished making sure the vandalism she did to the original iCarly page on Uncyclopedia (under the pretense that she was a fan nobly standing up for a "great show") is still there. She left the page open when she stepped out to ask if there was more internet free speech against iCarly to destroy, so I've got 20 minutes to type the whole story and post it before she comes back to apply her "Sam" makeup. READ CAREFULLY, because if she spots my new version when she comes back, she will delete it, and NOBODY will be able to stop her! (I mean, you can clearly see how little difference the one guy who tried to argue with her in the footnotes made.)

Synopsis

iCarly is not as ridiculous as this dumb article makes it out to be.[3] It is just about a normal teenage girl and her two friends, who create a webshow together. There are no newts in bellies or any of that garbage.

NO NO! Don't believe her! I stumbled onto the truth before they locked me away! ICARLY IS THE FIRST STEP IN THE CREATORS' PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!! The show's tatic is to first play a laugh track roughly every three seconds, regardless of whether the moment before was funny (an idea inspired by the Rodney Dangerfield scene in Natural Born Killers). The children viewing see that every moment shoved in their face, no matter how stupid, obvious, aggressively obnoxious, or simply painful, is to be accepted with a positive reaction. Eventually they are brainwashed into accepting everthing that an internet or television figure directs at them without question. Next, the show produces characters who make moustache twirling villains look believable and makes them the only ones who don't like the iCarly webshow. This assures the viewers that everyone who disapproves of an internet or television figure is a terrible person who needs to be stopped.
After another few seasons, they will begin producing tween queen webshows for children to find online that send messages like "education is for losers" and "who wastes time trying to 'find out the truth'?". This will eventually be escalated to messages like "why shouldn't you be allowed to buy weapons?" and "would anyone really miss the White House?" and "who really wants democracy anymore?". Then, when chaos ensues, the creators will step up and establish themselves as the brainwashed children's leaders, creating the only organized group of power under a flag with Miranda Cosgrove's face on it! They will seize power and begin World War Three, fighting to create a brainwashed world at the beck and call of the show's creators, with posters depicting the iCarly cast covering every block of every town!!!

Original Characters

Carly Shay

Cosgr
Carly Shay, unsupervised as usual

Carly Shay is just a normal teenage girl who creates a webshow with her friends. She has never gotten pregnant,[4] because sex before marriage is gross[5] (and I'm Jewish and a Democrat and I still believe that).[6] Please stop saying that.

A normal teenage girl?!?! How many teenage girls do you know that use screaming at people as a joke, cover their house in stage equipment, and seem to have a thing for sitting and the effect it has on their rear end? Anyway, notice that the idea of Carly being pregnant hit a nerve for McCurdy. This is because some critics questioned how safe Carly is from predators with Spencer as a guardian and the freedom she is given to do whatever the fuck she wants. They had to be paid a great deal of money to be kept quiet. (Luckily, most of the critics were too busy waiting to see if Miley Cyrus would do something they could insult to notice.)

Sam Puckett

Sam Puckett
Jennette McCurdy on a typical afternoon

Sam is Carly's best friend. She is a little misbehaved, but not insane, like you stupid Uncyclopedians say.

A little misbehaved? A LITTLE misbehaved?!?!? You all probably realize that I could go into detail on how Sam is allowed to hit people over the head for fun, shoot the fat kid with paintballs for making the same mistake she made, humiliate Freddie for her own amusement, and get away with all of it to promote the idea that EVERYTHING an internet celebrity does is okay. But actually, I’d like to go over what I’ve learned, in my new position, about, much worse, the actress that plays her.
The character of Sam was designed as a typical tomboy, except instead of a developed character, she would just be aggressive and cruel. It was simple enough, so, instead of hiring an actual actress, they just grabbed the angry chick who showed up to practice her punting skills on child performers. She accepted her payment in fried chicken, making her much cheaper.
Sam Pluckett3
McCurdy also has weird eating habits, but I don't have time to discuss that futher
She had obviously had a troubled past. The last thing she could remember was waking up next to a half-destroyed bar, so they had to give her an identity. They first gave her a new name to replace the one she had given herself (“Youremy Bitch”). Then they wrote a fictitious biography about her (basically a simplified carbon copy of Cosgrove’s story) and posted it on Wikipedia, ensuring that it would become the truth. Instead of acting tips, they just told her to use her limited self control to suppress her wild character as much as possible. There are outtakes, but the results are just tame enough to watch. However, the strain that doing this puts on her causes hell to break loose afterwards. There is only minimal, easily fixed damage to the studio, as she prefers to use her hands over other weapons (though she did once grab a cameraman and use his head as a battering ram). However, the cast and crew live in fear. She will attack anyone who tries to “be the boss” of her, so most people avoid her altogether. If one wishes to discuss the script (which, luckily, is usually not very important) with her, they must do it while hooked to her homemade “wedgie bounce” machine to satisfy her sadistic urges. (The machine must also be incorporated into the show at times to keep her calm until the end.)
She does, however, have a certain respect for the crew and their project, which has become a religion of sorts to her. She willingly acts as the muscle in all underhanded negotiations. She has also set up her own website to do her part in phase 2 of the plan, and she, as you already know, spends much time blocking legal derogatory statements against the show iCarly from view. She also bonds with Nathan Kress (Freddie) and, to a lesser extent, Cosgrove over sessions of covering them with football pads to practice beating people to death. Of course, an “enemy” of the show at her mercy is her favorite target. Every day she comes into the closet and spends an hour beating me with a pogo stick. ...Help me... Please.

Freddie Benson

Freddie is another one of Carly's friends. He is very awesome and pretty cute, so don't you dare trash him. And he is in love with Carly, NOT SAM!

She says “pretty cute” because you are supposed to sympathize with Freddie, not admire him. He is a subliminal message that, in order to be happy, you must discard your own logic and replace it with the show’s. For example, when he argued that he had the right to his own opinion on Fred Figglehorn, he met with misery, woe, and Fred’s tween zombie slave girls. But when he apologized for this, he was forgiven, a fate that can be yours as well if you become a mind slave to iCarly! (How did they get any viewers? How?) And of course, he is the butt of a humiliation gag every time he tries to challenge Sam's antics.
But no, he is not in love with Sam. The show would like to make it ambiguous, as this type of plot attracts fan girls by the dozen, but McCurdy would never allow this to be her character's fate. She is unfamiliar with the concept of romance (and refuses to try it for fear it wants to "be the boss of her), and she likes Kress only as a friend, fellow future dictator, and punching bag. But fortunately for her, the other writers for this show could never handle the amount of complexity (or any amount for that matter) that such a plot would require.

Spencer Shay

Carly's brother. He does do some things other than sculpt, so don't say that. People who say that must not really know this show.

Thanks to me he does all kinds of stuff! The only thing about him I didn’t design is that he’s her guardian. (They thought an irresponsibility = good message would help their goal.) And now I’ll never get credit for it! Why didn’t I join a half decent show! Why did I have to play it “safe”, getting jobs to make terrible tween shows a little bit better? Why couldn’t I at least have joined a show a little more intelligent like Wizards of Waverly Place, or Tellitubbies, or Earnest Angley Hour. They probably aren’t the first step in a terrible mad scheme! (…At least, probably not a mad scheme to take over the entire world.)

Ms. Briggs

She's really not important enough a character to be considered "an original". That isn't really offensive, but I needed to do something to this section.

No matter what it is you say about iCarly, McCurdy will step in just to be sure. Be afraid.

Mark Matzko

Sam Puckett2
McCurdy rarely cannibalizes the members of the cast and production crew anymore. She tries to eat Miranda Cosgrove only one or twice a year now.

This character is a myth! Why is this dumb made-up character in this article? Why?[7]

NO NO NO, HE’S REAL! HE’S REAL! He was a critic character they made up who was supposed to make legitimate, worthwhile criticisms to the iCarly webshow. The idea was for Carly to shut him down with counter arguments that, however mindless, at least sounded informed and well thought out (and then have Sam beat him to unconsciousness with a salami while Freddie filmed it for the show). However, they quickly realized that, no matter how many false facts and meaningless passionate rants they inserted, they couldn’t make counters to iCarly criticism sound even competent. Additionally, the actor cast to play the role was savagely killed and eaten by McCurdy.
Instead, they came up with an 11-year-old creep critic who only insults iCarly (in a way that carefully sidesteps logic) because Carly is the most wonderful thing he has ever seen and he wants to blackmail her for a kiss. At lot less intelligent, yes, but much easier to pull off.

Characters Added Later in the Series

None of these characters are real! So I deleted them! Especially the dumb newts in Carly's belly. Pregnancy is not something to joke about.[8] It is a serious subject, and I don't get why you n00bs think it's "sexy".[9]

As you can see, McCurdy still learned a lot about hyperbolic, rhetorical rants from the cancelled episode. Here she makes her claim, that anyone who would dare say anything degrading towards iCarly is a perverse noob, sound almost competent. (Please note the more clever responses inserted by the sarcastic guy.)

Episode Guide

None of those episodes are real either![10] And they all talk about the "newts in her belly".[11] Why is this so funny to you?

Now she attempts to get on her high horse and preach, as though the very notion of faults in iCarly is just sad. A concerned fan of iCarly actually knows what funny is? Surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre. Oh no, she’s coming back! I’ll have to speed this up…

Trivia

This TV show is really funny and cool.

So stupid + repetitive + obnoxious + a web camera = really funny and really cool?!?!?! Even the premise should be a tip-off! It revolves around a webshow in which the hosts combine the humor of bad 90s kid flicks with the speech style of Billy Mays! Why would anyone watch a webshow like that? The main reason it’s there is so that the characters can promote it, thereby promoting the show itself which just happens to have the same title. DON’T WATCH THEIR SHOW MUCH LESS THEIR SHOW WITHIN A SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Society has taken an awful turn, being crass enough to make fun of all of these things in this ugly way.

Right, the ones using their free speech to insult a show that’s asking for it are the ones dragging society down. Not like you, with your BRAINWASHING CHILDREN as part of a plan to DESTROY FREEDOM while keeping me locked in a closet. Don’t support them by watching this show! Even if you don’t believe me or think this is some kind of joke (it might have seemed more cynical than enlightening, as I don’t have much time to think about my phrasing right now), at least give your children a little bit of credit. This show portrays them as obnoxious brats and tells them to love it! Steer them toward something at leat a little more intelligent. Wizards of Waverly Place, at least has an actual premise, and slightly less obnoxious actors. Or even watch someone who has had a lobotomy! At least they’re not trying to spread their mindlessness! DON’T LET THIS SHOW BRAINWASH YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!

This has been a protest initiated against Uncyclopedia by an angered teenage girl, one of five she will make in an attempt to make her opinions known. There are several things wrong with society today, and she plans to do her part to destroy them. See also: Full House, Never Talk to Strangers, Girl Authority, and Elmo.

Destroy being the key word. It was real clever of you, Jennette McCurdy, to come up with a character so close to yourself (an angry high school teenager) to do this job for you. But I won’t let you, or anyone else at this studio, destroy ANYTHING in society with all those brainwashing techniques of yours! I hear you coming down the hall right now, and when you step in here, I’m going to… be back in the closet praying for a miracle. Man this sucks.
No, I didn't touch your computer. I've been in the closet since you where gone, honest! I don't know how where the edit came from, maybe it was the janitor you beat senseless yesterday. I didn't touch anything, I swear! NO, NOT THE POGO STICK!! HELP ME!!! FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY HELP ME!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See Also

Footnotes

  1. Yes it does
  2. You should see the original version
  3. I know, its worse.
  4. Yes, but she does have a giant mutant newt living in her belly
  5. Huh?? I could see wrong, but not gross
  6. We don't like your kind 'round here
  7. Because
  8. Agreed, abortion is so much more humorous.
  9. Because we have pregnancy fetishes, obviously. Btw, the article is about newts living in uteruses, not pregnancy.
  10. And what were you expecting on a humor wiki?
  11. That is a lie madam! Only 13.5 out of 15 seasons deal with belly newts
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