From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Man, we're talkin' 'bout hypnotism. I mean, hypnotism, man...not the game, not the game, but hypnotism. C'mon, we're talkin' 'bout hypnotism, man.”
Hypnotism is a mind control method used mainly by Jews and gypsies for the purpose of forcing innocent church-going Republicans to do their bidding. It has been used for thousands of years to destroy different means of society all over Earth, as well as on Mars. (Note: Hypnotism does not affect women and Chinese people.)
Methods of Hypnotism
Contrary, to the popular belief, traditional methods such as the "Watch Method", where someone grabs pocket watch and swing it in front of someone until they fall asleep, does not work, but instead makes the victim sleepy, and have an erection.
- The Testicle Method-This method of hypnotism consists of grabbing someone's testicles, squeezing them until they are hypnotized and will obey anything you tell them to do.
- The Spook Method-This consists of putting on a ghost mask and a sheet, and jumping out of a closet at the victim, scaring them until they do what you say.
A Brief History of Hypnotism
It is believed, but has never been proven, that hypnotism was invented circa 2000 B.C., when the ancient Hebrews, led by their malicious, baby-eating dictator, Moses, who inflicted 10 plagues onto Egypt, each one crueler than the next. They are listed here:
- All riverwater was temporarily turned into blood.
- It rained French people. This didn't cause harm as much as it was just really annoying to have a bunch of French people walking around asking if someone could please pass the Grey Poupon.
- Everyone got the cooties Ewww! This caused mass disruption because the three days following consisted of nothing more than everyone running around trying to avoid touching each other, which would spread the cooties faster.
- Every member from the cast of the movie, "Animal House" was released (via a time machine) into ancient Egypt. This would've been harmless, but as soon as Pharaoh Ramrod caught sight of John Belushi in a toga, he naturally assumed that overweight Romans had come to devour his people. The country was under a strict lockdown until a television was thrown out of the window of a hut as a gesture of peace by Belushi.
- The cattle of Egypt were forced to listen to Nickelback, which effectively caused them to die. This disruption resulted in a season of low beef production, and without beef jerky, the Egyptians were helpless.
- Every Egyptian was boiled in a large vat of water, roughly the size of Rhode Island. This left the Egyptian people quite pruney, and caused them to never look at raisins the same way again.
- Golfballs the size of hailstones fell from the sky, mixed with fire. Earth and wind were not present, however.
- A multitude of grasshoppers joined together to form "Locustron," a giant killer robot that came with three different outfits and twelve different fashion excessories. This may sound kind of fruity, but believe me, if there's a 50 foot killer robot made out of locusts in your backyard carrying bricks in its purse...you better watch out.
- The penultimate plague consisted of the British rock group, "The Darkness" performing a live concert in the middle of ancient Cairo. The Egyptian concert-goers failed to realize, however that a bomb had all been planted in their seats, and at the culmination of the concert, they all exploded.
- Ok, this was the big one. Every Egyptian first born child was turned into a brick of a pyramid. That's how the Pyramids were built.
After the last plague, Moses hypnotized Pharaoh Ramrod into letting his people go. Following this, he hypnotized Poseidon to open up the Redcoat Sea, which had been guarded by British soldiers until Moses hypnotized them into conquering India. With that, Moses and the Hebrews passed over the exposed seabed to reach Isreal. This caused the creation of the celebration of Passover, to honor the ancient Hebrews for walking across.
Moses died, after the Pharoah Ramrod poisoned him with arsenic.
Hypnotism disappeared for many years, but returned in the late 1930's, when the Jews of Germany hypnotized Adolph Hitler into killing six million of their people, as well as the gay and handicapped, who had been plotting to take over Germany for years.