From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“They’re in Iraq, Iran, Serbia,Croatia, Madagascar, with the Amish, Albania, Antic Rome and in Atlantis too. We must make war with these people to insure our future security. ”
“Where is Captain Obvious when we need him?.”
“I'm right here!”
Discovered during the stone-age, but kept a great secret by the Stone Age CIA, Nuclear Weapons (pronounced by a well-known world leader as "nook-ul-er weapons") were a gift from the gods of Heavy Metal Rock (or, according to other sources, disco or even rhythm and blues) used to "Nuke" the dinosaurs off the face of the earth in 1337 AD. Designed for humans to dance around late at night in great celebrations of the harvest, the gods intended the Nuclear Weapons to be an item for celebration
Thus, soon the Nuclear Weapons were used to "Pwn" all of the "n00bs" in existence. And pwn they did. For several years, no n00bs were left, and the weaker of the denizens of the night had to repopulate the n00b race.
edit Misconceptions of Nuclear Weapons
The media often inaccurately portray the harmful effects of nuclear weapons as greater than they would actually be. Perhaps the biggest danger from a nuclear explosion is the dazzling initial light that is emitted for several seconds; looking directly at it can be as dangerous as staring into the sun for too long, and those with fair skin may require lotion. Arriving as thunder follows lightning, the blast wave may dislodge leaves from trees, scratch window panes, loosen roof tiles and cause unshielded eyes to water. If a nuclear explosion occurs on or near the ground, the head of the mushroom may float on the breeze for many miles, drifting to earth and dirtying exposed washing, car windscreens and light-coloured paintwork.
It was once believed Nuclear Weapons could be obtained by haX0ring the "matrix." This has been disproved numerous times often resulting in spinal injuries and random attacks by ninjas wielding double butter knives.
In recent years there have been concerns over Osama Bin Tootin obtaining and or using these weapons and storing them in his midget-operated uranium mine (co-operated with Lindsey Lohan). The fact is that Osama does not own these Nuclear Weapons but in fact has a massive storage of super-combustible corndogs which may or may not explode while in the urinal tract. He really wants one, and will do literally anything to get one, including boarding the 333 train (the gay train)
People long thought that the nuclear bomb was invented in America with the help of East and West European scientists, but it was actually mass produced by the Romans, with the help of Jesus Christ and his science club. Since Christians have never had a great understanding of science, the Romans accidentally set the weapons to attack and destroy themselves.
A nuclear weapon should NEVER EVER EVER NEVER be confused with a nukuler weapon, patented in 2001 by George Bush. This weapon is lethal only to Republicans, English Teachers, and someone named Eddie in Colorado. It usually kills with raw stupidity, but some fallout can occor, causing diseases such as cholorous mispronouncious and republicous canyouactuallypronouncethewordnuclearcorrectlymrbushisous catastrophious. The only test of such a weapon was in Northern Western semi-East Korea, mistaken for a nuclear test. It failed the test, getting a 58% on the written section, but an A++ on the CNN newsworthyness scale, right behing the story of Anna Nicole Smith's death after a failed stomach transplant from a sheep.
edit What aren't, was, or were Nuclear Weapons?
A long time ago, during the sixteenth century, people thought that nude women were effective in launching attacks against their adversaries. Those people, were obviously in Castles, many believing them to be statues of the gods. That misconception somehow made many people in sixteenth century Europe make up the fact that nukeclear=nudity. According to modern research, Nuclear Weapons are best used in confined quarters like the UnStar, and a room, preferably not in private, but open to the world, so a possible Fart Detonation could wreak havoc amongst the entire human race. The confirmation of humanity is still underway.
There are currently 999.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999998 quintillion combinations of making the nuclear weapon. According to the First Amendment of the Law of Uncoodestruction, Section IV, Chapter 2, Paras 11-19, nukeclear stuff are best used as weapons during a time of "psychological maternity leave".
Note: according to Al Gore and Hillary, Nucular is just George W's mispronunciation, NOT AN ACTUAL WORD. But, hey, Gore slightly exaggerates global warming and says he invented the Internet.
Nuclear weapons were long thought to be a useless device, until an unnamed junior scientist invented the Green Lightbulb. This revolutionised the industry, since now military leaders would now know that they were safe from attack.
edit The Nuculaic Formulae
Douche (0.934264) is the new math version of the golden ratio. Now since we all know that the number 16=infinity, then we know of the eternal heartache that ensues when a nuclear weapon is used. When the formula is written out on paper and correctly solved with the appropriate variables for "douche" the medium used to express the equation will turn into a nuclear weapon, via an enchantment from a magical dragon named "Karn". Back in 27 AD, the result from the equation was used in combination with satanistic worshipers to develop what we now know as the "Karnival" (aka Ringling Brothers Circus) and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon
edit Nuclear proliferation
Nuclear weapons require fuel from many years of processing inside breeder reactors and enrichment systems, as well as advanced control systems and perfectly crafted explosive lenses. This makes some people believe that scrappy third world terrorists can’t manufacture them – they’re probably right. Unfortunately, opportunistic ex-commies are making a handsome living from selling nuclear weapons to members of Al Qaeda, mad scientists and disgruntled North American high school teenagers, like the 18 Megaton thermonuclear warhead purchased off of ebay by Jacob Bashore, and the 40 Kiloton atomic bomb purchased by Billy Bob Joe.
Nuclear weapons are frequently sold on eBay, as can be seen in the picture to the right.
edit Nuclear Weapon Resolution & Series
There are 3 different resolution & series of nuclear weapon: SD (Standard Destruction), HD (High Destruction), and Full HD. All resolution in 3 series: Kt (KiloTon), Mt (MegaTon), and Gt (Gigaton).
|SD||720 x 576||Kt|
|HD||1366 x 768||Mt|
|Full HD||1920 x 1080||Gt|
Nuclear weapons were only developed for one reason, and that reason was to rid the World of SKANGERS so that emos, skinheads, goths and punks could thrive! They was also used to remove stupidity aka Hiroshima! They were also used just to annoy people aka Nagasaki!
True story: A guy was coming home to Hiroshima only to find all his friends dead! He then took the train to Nagasaki only to find his family dead! I would hate to be this douche!