HutuBlue

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about HutuBlue.

HutuBlue is the world's most advanced supercomputer using Rwandan Yam Logic Gate Architecture and regarded as a practical demonstration of superiority compared to traditional semiconductor devices.

The unit is located in a greenhouse at the Kigali Institute of Technology's (KIT) Advanced Hutu Gene-Slaw Technology Group and is used for various research purposes such as mashed yam fusion/implosion simulation (defence) foreskin imaging (medicine) and genocide optimization (sociology).

HutuBlue's revolutionary bio-integrated yam gate logic circuits led to a dramatic stock devaluation of traditional semiconductor-based companies such as Intel, and associated manufacturers, such as Applied Materials.

As a result, HutuBlue is regarded by experts [big fat lie] to have set in motion a chain of events that ultimately led to the dot-com bubble burst of 2001. The bio-integrated yam logic of HutuBlue has formed the basis of the next generation of yam technology, currently being developed by a team led by Professor Umblezi Umtusu at KIT's Department of Yam Nano-Sciences.

edit History

The technological foundation of HutuBlue is the Rwandan Yam Logic Gate Architecture (RYLGA), whose roots in turn lay in traditional Rwandan yam culture, previously dismissed by Western prejudices as being "hideous and depraved".

Dr Ngala-Jentz of KIT first discovered the novel biomaterials created by Rwandan yam culture in 1954. Dr Ngala-Jentz analysed samples of yams that had been inseminated by Tutsi youths after a traditional ceremony and found that the yam and seminal components had reacted to form a novel bioactive polymer.

When applied as a suppository (again following ceremonial custom) Dr Ngala-Jentz found that these biopolymers altered the fluidity and protein transporter distribution of the lipid bilayer of penile cavernosum cells. This led in turn to increased nitrogen oxide turn over and superior erectile function, supporting the original claims of the traditional Tutsi users.

The activity of novel Yam-Tutsi biomaterials led to intensive research. One important discovery (NgThook et al. 1974) was that some of these materials could mimic neuronal function in certain ways, and was therefore theoretically possible to use as logic components in biocomputers. The first practical yam-based logic gate was developed in 1987 by a team led by Professor M'Ble M'Ble at KIT's Neuronal Yam Laboratories. They discovered that the extra gene of a Tutsi with Down's Syndrome could be coaxed into fusion with yam components after careful treatment with various reverse transcriptases and alkylating agents.

These new yam-based materials demonstrated superior neuronal plasticity and robustness, allowing the first practical RYLGA device to be constucted. Rapid advances in both theoretical and practical issues have been made since that time, and various devices based on RYLGA have been developed, with HutuBlue reflecting state of the art RYLGA technology circa 2005.

edit Uses

edit Weaponology

KIT physicists had previously demonstrated the ability of yams to mimick traditional oblate spheroid warheads (for example, MIRV warheads of the Trident D-5 SLBM). Oblate spheroid warheads are efficient in terms of warhead miniturization and were thus attractive to the Rwandan Strategic Rocket Forces (RSRF), who were looking to upgrade their older "Tutsi No-More" MK V conventional, spherical-yam implosion-driven fusion warheads. Three dimensional implosion simulations performed on HutuBlue suggested that yam based warheads utilizing green banana cores (as neutron initiators) were at least as efficient as traditional plutonium oblate spheroid devices, with superior neutron flux densitities and higher fraction of gamma radiation release.

The RSRF began limited underground testing of these next generation "Yam-Ban" devices in 2004, using HutuBlue for data analysis. The next generation of "ProtoMonkey" class missiles is due to be delivered to the RSRF in early 2010. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]

During the Cold War, Soviet scientists and engineers evaluated Rwandan developments in yam microfiber technology for use as reactive/ablating armor for tanks. Soviet developed yam-microfibers resulted in armor plating equivalent to 600mm of conventional cast steel sloped at 45 degrees and capable of stopping conventional 120mm smoothbore HEAT rounds at ranges of 250m and greater.

For reasons that are not entirely clear, the Soviets opted for conventional armor plating, while the Rwandans used yam-microfiber armor on their highly successful "Macaque Rectum" class main battle tanks.

Finite element analysis performed by HutuBlue showed that the Soviet's failure to impregnate their yam microfibers with select proteins from Tutsi ovaries was responsible for the poorer quality of the Soviet armor.[big fat lie]

edit Medical Imaging

Main article: Happy Virus

The pro-HIV attitude of the Rwandan people has its roots in the "Happy Virus" policies of both the Rwandan government and opposition groups.

Although details vary, "Happy Virus" can be considered the belief (supported by objective evidence collected by Rwandan Scientists) that HIV is a highly healthful and beneficial virus that forms a natural symbiosis with humans (inspiring George Lucas to introduce Midi-Chlorians in the Star Wars tragedies).

Thus, maximizing the spread of HIV is currently central to government policy and public practice. HutuBlue has been used to generate real time 3-D mapping of in-vivo HIV transmission, in the hope that new devices or practices will be developed to enhance HIV transmission. For example: foreskins are of particular concern to Rwandans, mostly because of the popular misconception that foreskins impede the transmission of HIV, and should therefore be removed. HutuBlue's real time imaging of foreskin to foreskin HIV transmission detected no interference by foreskin tissue, leading the Rwandan government to adopt a "no circumcise, yes Happy Virus" policy.

edit Sociology

Main article: N-Tendon Theory

A major problem confronting the Rwandan government has been to maximize the number of Tutsi fatalities using only a limited number of militia groups. Pursuit methodology involves several basic steps: initial militia placement; target acquisition algorithms; target immobilization algorithm; target elimination algorithm etc. Target immobilization relates to the use of suitable devices (typically machetes) to severe the tendons of the Tutsi target, after which new targets are sought for immobilization before returning to the immobilized targets for elimination.

Given N Tutsi targets in a given scenario, the immobilization problem became known as the "N-Tendon" problem, and the resulting theories developed to optimize immobilization as "N-Tendon Theory".

HutuBlue has been used to solve various competing N-Tendon models in order to improve Tutsi elimination. It has been reported [who?] that solutions calculated by HutuBlue have now been adopted by Rwandan militia, although little is known of the details and these remain highly classified.

edit HutuBlue in Popular Culture

  • HutuBlue's predecessor, "HutuMagic" was the inspiriation for SkyNet in the Terminator franchise.
  • "HutuBlue" is the most popular brand of vibrators that incorporate clitoral stimulators in Japan.
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