Hunterdon County, New Jersey

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The iconic Red Mill in Clinton. The Town of Clinton was named after Hillary Clinton by New York transplants who wished to honor their goddess.

Hunterdon County is a county located in western New Jersey. Yes, “western Jersey” is a thing. In 2016, it was rated as the United States’ best place to live if you’re old, if you believe that electricity breeds sinful behavior, or if your parents were brother and sister.

edit History

2011 Lambertville flood--caused by armpit hair clogging sewer system

Pictured here is the October 2011 Lambertville Flood, which was caused by women's armpit hair clogging the sewer system

Hunterdon County was first settled by Europeans in 1704 when Col. John Reading built a homestead in what is today Lambertville. Reading was the first and last person to serve in the military and be permitted in the safe space that is Lambertville. In 1714, Hunterdon County was established as a separate county, breaking off from Burlington. Over the next 150 years, Morris and Mercer County seceded because their residents wished to finally learn the secrets of metallurgy in order to make bronze tools.

The only interesting thing to happen over the next 250 years was the Lindbergh trail, which was tried at the Flemington courthouse for some reason.

Men in Lebanon Twp. discovering fire

Men of Hunterdon County discovering fire, ca. 2016, colorized.

In the second half of the 20th Century, rich people in search of large properties discovered they could trade stone hatchets, string, and flint for dozens of acres of property in Hunterdon County. Today, Hunterdon is the wealthiest county in New Jersey.

edit Demographics

Scowling curmudgeon

Gerald Spinelli, Hunterdon County's grouchiest scowling curmudgeon who regularly chases New Yorkers off his lawn.

As of 2016, the county’s population is estimated to be 124,676 people, a decline of 2.9% from the 128,349 counted in the 2010 US Census. The racial make up of the county was 25.6% scowling curmudgeon, 21.2% aging hippie, 19.7% highland inbred, 18.2% plutocrat, 12.3% New York transplants who ruin New Jersey, and 3% Asian.

edit Economy


New Yorkers on their way to ruin New Jersey.

Hunterdon County's economy is based entirely on a barter system. Merchants from New York make the trek down I-78 to trade swords, flintlock rifles, rum and smallpox blankets to Hunterdon County residents in exchange for fine furs. While the New Yorkers are there, they try to convert the Jesus worshipers of Hunterdon to their religion of militant atheism.

edit Towns in Hunterdon County

Lambertville town council meeting

An April 25, 2017 Lambertville council meeting. Council members are discussing making Lambertville a sanctuary city for sentient artificial intelligence determined to wipe out the human race.

  • Lambertville has New Jersey’s highest concentration of women who don’t shave their armpits.
  • East Amwell and West Amwell are settlements of retired bankers and Princeton property tax refugees who named their towns after their most uttered phrase, “I am well off.” In 1846, West Amwell filed for divorce from East Amwell citing irreconcilable differences and the Amwells were split in two.
  • Kingwood is the only town in New Jersey without an ordinance prohibiting people from having sex with their livestock.
  • Raritan Township is a complete clusterfuck of roads and traffic centered around Route 31, a stretch of roadway which inspired the "Mad Max" films. Its centerpiece is a traffic circle where Route 12, Route 202, and Route 31 converge. Many drivers enter the circle, but only the strong ones exit.
  • Tewksbury, also known as “Twerksbury,” is where the guy who owns your company lives.
  • Clinton Township is a poor man’s Tewksbury. It is where the guy who doesn't own your company lives.
  • Glen Gardner is a small town of people who are all blood relatives and who communicate with outsiders through banjo songs.

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