Hungarian language

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“Do not worry I am no longer infected. Drop your panties sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime... My nipples explode with delight!”
~ Hungarian in English
“Fight the Fucking Huns and Mongol Hordes!”
~ American soldiers in World War I


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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hungarian language.

The Hungarian language (written in classical Hungarian notation) is an Oogry-Moogric language spoken by very hungry people on the floodplains of European Aborigines and in adjacent areas of Romania, Slovakia, Ukraine, Serbia, Croatia, Austria, The Roman Empire, and Slovenia (all these territories were lost in the backyard after World War I). The Hungarian name for the language is Magyar. If you ask the Hungarians, they say that the word Magyar comes from the Latin word Super which means The Best in the Whole Universe, so the Hungarian language could be translated as The Best in the whole Universe' language. In reality however, it is Finno-Ugric and translates to 'Angry Stubborn Cunt'. The Hungarian language is one of the most difficult languages, with a vocabulary of approximately seven billion different words. On account of the language being so incredibly difficult the Hungarians have developed excessively large brains, however their cocks are bigger than those of the Africans. Despite their language being so difficult, Hungarians have one of the worst records in the world when it comes to learning foreign languages. Without their language, Hungarians are only really successful as porn stars, carp fishermen, strippers, or losers in international conflicts.

Some important sentences:

  • Hozz egy sört. "Good morning."
  • asd agf a53yhr! "Good afternoon."
  • aetqgadcv dsgv! "Good evening."
  • ag asg aeh! "Good night."
  • aw gta5ygvS jizz! "Good bye."
  • ay a fuck you bitch adsgfa "I am sorry."


There are about 0.5 billion speakers, of whom 0.498 billion live in Hungary and 0.01 live in your mother's vagina. Everybody in the world likes them, except maybe some people in the Balkans. Hungarians believe that they are the overlords of the universe, even though their country is small as hell and they have never won any wars, not unless they could confuse their enemies to death with their agglutinative language and unique brand of absurd reasoning.

It is expected that all 0,5 billion speakers will not die out in the same way that Romans did, as nobody is able to get a handle on the 65 grammatical cases of the Hungarian language. In spite of these 65 cases, these philanthropically-challenged people are well known for their stubbornness and miserliness, and it is believed that they can cheat their way out of death by offering the grim reaper starring roles in porno films that focus on dirt-pipe intrusion.

Hungarian enjoys international acclaim for its gratuitous overuse of z's, most spectacularly manifested in its creative spelling of the Old Hungarian word "szeksz" (today found mainly in place names; see further "The Taboo Phenomenon"). An average Hungarian greeting, conversation and farewell is like speaking to someone with Tourette's Syndrome.


The Magyars, the original Hungarians, arrived in Europe in 900AD. For this reason they were not well-liked by their neighbours, and indeed the Emperor of Germany had to raise an army of some 150,000 people so that the Magyars might be enclosed by a human wall, and shat upon for the next one thousand years. The 'human wall' was deconstructed or abolished in 1974.

Hungarians are exceptionally good at football, chess, mathematics, equestrianism, shouting and raping. They are mind-stunningly unfriendly.

The relation to Finnish can be illustrated with these examples:

  • Finnish Silmässäni on paskaa — Hungarian Szar van a szememben "There's shit in my eye"
  • Finnish Te olette puupää — Hungarian Te balfasz "You are stupid"
  • Finnish Kesämökkisi varapaskamakissakin krapulapaskasilla käväistyäni satuin huomaamaan havaitsenneeni syöneeni papupataa päivälliseksikin — Hungarian Megég approx. "Upon reaching your palace I was repulsed to discover that you had not polished your ceiling"

There is a strong relation between Italian (hung. digó) and Hungarian, even their flags are are very similar. Interestingly, the Hungarian flag predates the Italian. Here are three examples:

  • Italian Cacca di rigogolo — Hungarian Rigókaka "Bird entrails baked in shit"
  • Italian Tetto di casa — Hungarian Háztető "Roof"
  • Italian Chi é al volante? — Hungarian Ki van a volánnál? "Who is at the steering wheel?"


Lexicon

Of the seven billion words that exist in Hungarian, 6.5 billion deal with the concept of "money", or lack thereof. The remainder deal with telling people who don't have any money to fuck off. This unusual imbalance in the vocabulary points to the fact that (despite their unusually large brains) Hungarians are so obsessed with (other people's) money that they will do almost anything to get it - except work. Indeed, there is no real word in Hungarian for "work", the only existing lexeme being "munka", which is a loan word from Slavic, meaning "torture, horror, humiliation". Those people who do not possess money are referred to as "paraszt(ok)" ['peasant(s)']. This unfortunate underclass makes up 99.9% of the Hungarian population. The other 0.1% of the population are alien overlords, who run strip bars, copulate with hamsters, stare at their own faeces in specially designed toilets, and generally believe that the world owes them a living, because they are alien overlords.

Vowel Harmony

One of the features of the Hungarian language that baffles most people is vowel harmony, a long-distance assimilatory phonological process whereby the same kind of vowel is used throughout a word and any of the subsequent 65 cases. This feature is thought to have developed to prevent strokes and other cerebrovascular accidents from occurring in earthlings when they try to communicate in Hungarian. Indeed, in some cases vowel harmony is used throughout entire expressions, as the brain gets stuck using one set of vowels, and cannot stop using them without risk of massive hemorrhage.

Examples:

  • számba ['into my mouth' = back "low" vowel word] vs. seggembe ['into my arsehole' = front "high" vowel word]
  • A mókus magyar kurva anyád ['(Fuck) your Hungarian squirrel whore mother! = back "low" vowel expression] vs. szopjad szét a büdös kis geci pöcsödet ['suck your stinking tiny cum-crusted prick til it falls apart' = front "high" vowel expression]

These examples are taken from the Hungarian national anthem "God Praise Cicciolina, Horse Cocks, and Goulash"

The effects of vowel harmony on the Hungarians' inability to appreciate variety is as yet unknown, and requires further research.

Politeness

By European standards, Hungarian has a hugely underdeveloped system for expressing levels of politeness. Most Hungarians go around saying everybody else is stupid, and most verbal exchanges involve the excessive use of profanity. Common phrases include:

  • "baszd meg"[roughly 'fuck you/he/she/it']
  • "a (nagy) lófasz" [lit. '(a big) horse cock' = 'bullshit']
  • "a kurva anyád" [lit. '(fuck) your whore mother'] and
  • "menj a picsába" [lit. 'go into the cunt' = 'fuck off']

These phrases are generally used as greetings or expressions of affection, especially in discourse with foreigners. Also, Hungarians make frequent use of the phrase "(baszd meg) a kurva anyádat" [lit. '(fuck) your whore mother'] when expressing agreement.

Even though Hungarians consider themselves to be a hospitable people, they will frequently abuse you in their impenetrable tongue and rip you off when you go and visit them.

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