Human resource management
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“The United States has done one thing; they have invented and established Management Science, which is an attempt to organize the ignorance of the workforce, and to elevate it to the dignity of a rathole.”Human Resource Management (HRM, HR) is the systematic manipulation of Human Resources, a.k.a. "people".
edit Brief history
HRM was invented by the Nazis and popularized in the United States by Robert McNamara who leveraged the influx of prominent german scientists after WWII.
IN the United States, it was B.F.Skinner the noted inventor and entrepreneur who in his experiments with the creation of tacos, made some collateral discoveries which led to the study of the automatic conditioning of human responses to certain stimuli.
Skinner's genial contribution , (his real name was Wilhelm von Ratt - his nickname derived from the sadistic pleasure in torturing his laboratory animals - ) was the discovery of the great similarity between the behavior and moral structure of humans and rats.
edit Body of Knowledge
Human Resource Management involves the following main disciplines:
- Endoctrination: which deals with the industrialization of the content of human minds. This discipline has been rendered obsolete with the advent of mass media, but focuses now in the creation of a schizophrenic environment at the workplace.
- Leadership Development: focused on the training of specialists in eliminating any trace of individual intelligence left in Human Resources who enter the workforce, which may have not been totally eliminated by their formal Education.
- Compensation and Incentive management: formerly referred to as corruption, is the exploitation of human greed, a necessary compliment to the negative fear stimulus. This discipline utlizes intensively the medicinal power of Carrots.
- Recruiting and Selection: the filtering and prevention of any intelligent individuals entering the workforce.
edit Establishment of Organizational Schizophrenia in the Workplace
An indispensable element to organizational survival, and key to the prevention of any spontaneous outburst of creativity, this technique is the result of the knowledge acquired in the Nazi concentration camps, now successfully adapted to corporate environments.
Organizational Schizophrenia is generated by the following three principles:
- Management makes the rules.
- The rules are contradictory.
- Nobody can question the rules.