Human

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“I remember when they were just little monkeys flinging turds at each other, *sigh*”
~ Larry King on humans
“Are we human; or are we dancing?”
~ Oscar Wilde on the big questions in life
“For a bunch of primal beasts I expected better of you.”
~ Disappointed Alien on Humans


Book

Human beings, also known as Homo sapiens in Latin, are a bipedal species of ape with very little hair and large genitals. Unique among mammals, humans never reach a natural equilibrium with their environment. They spread to an area and they multiply and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. Then they spread to another area. One other organism on this planet follows the same pattern - a virus.

Humans are prone to stubbing their toes and suicide. Interestingly, commiting suicide to avoid the pain of a stubbed toe is considered foolish in most cultures. Humans live in tiny boxes called "flats" where they feel really cooped up, so this may be one reason why they frequently commit suicide. Humans kill themselves in a number of ways, including eating toxic chemicals and smoking paper tubes filled with tobacco. They also kill each other in wars as a favour to one another.

Once thought to be the only intelligent beings, they are now known to be quite stupid. Some have suggested that humans are "clever morons", as they seem to possess a superb ability to reason, yet sometimes insist on not using it. Other times, they use their oversized brains to devise even faster ways to consume all the natural resources in their environment, possibly as yet another form of mass suicide. Indeed, some scientists have suggested that a new form of the word "stupid" must be formed to describe such a phenomenon.

They are some nice human beings in the world, who greet others when they pass. Of course, there are also the nasty lot who stick knives into people, cuss, rape, cuss, crash planes into skyscrapers, masturbate, cuss, make nasty political parties and cuss.

Humans (pronounced as HEW-mins, pluralized as Humen), also known as meat piles, are a race of subterranean animals which thrive off the nuclear radiation produced by the Backstreet Boys. They thought that they were the most intelligent species on the planet, along with Chimps, Dolphins, Elephants, Parrots, Octopi, Squirrels, Pigs, and Mice, but were actually the most stupidest species in the universe.

At first, humans were thought to be merely the servants of a far sleeker, more interesting species, the pussy. Some men have suggested that this seems to be the case in their marriage. Most single men have, in recent times, suggested that this was not the case.

Master Humanologist Tone Loc has been quoted as saying, "To assume humans to be slaves to so intelligent an entity as the pre-historic cockroach would be to doubt the inherent sense of equality and infinite wisdom characterised by its species. The roach would not allow itself to have slaves. Roaches were probably more like gods to humans."

Archaeological evidence suggests these creatures possessed at least three arms apiece and walked around with nothing but woven snail and plant fibers to protect them from the 4 Billion Year Blizzard of Poisonous Scorpions. It has also recently come to light that these humans met their demise in one of four possible ways, known, collectively, as the Foreplay Theory.

The human species as a whole is considered to be safe in terms of how close to extinction they are. However if you divide the species into intelligent humans (IH) and non-intelligent or "stupid" humans (SH) we find that the IH are actually a very endangered species, as their natural habitat is being destroyed by those with lesser brain functions. Many of the IH sub species have retreated to "cyberspace" where they spend their lives discussing the deeper meaning of life. If you can call that a life. The SH have resorted to spending their 'lives' watching reality television and discussing the latest Hollywood gossip. These humans are the least intelligent, and usually spend their times crossed eyed and drooling at Starbucks, trying to see if their clothes are as fashionable as the idiot sitting next to them.

Speculation

DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
that you are a human?

Recent studies have shown that humans no longer exist. The big G-man, in his bearded wisdom, created the humans from a cardboard box, a rubber band, a remote control, a nuclear bomb, and magic. Then, just for kicks, he Grinchishly snuck into every science classroom in the Blue States Josh-ville town and replaced the class cross with a bunch of textbooks about evolution. Christians began hating Liberals for being sacrilegious, Liberals began hating Conservatives for being too Christian, Christians began hating Conservatives for being too war-hungry, Conservatives and Liberals teamed up to hate Christians for being too old-fashioned, Conservatives and Christians teamed up to hate Liberals for being too new-fashioned, Liberals and Christians teamed up to hate Conservatives for being too old-fashioned...again, all three teamed up to hate everyone else for daring to be different, all four groups shot every other group they hated, and every human on Earth ended up dying. Oh, wait, that doesn't happen till next week...I shouldn't have said that...uh, forget all that.

It has been heard that humans walk on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening. This is, of course, pure bullshit, as humans prefer to refrain from walking as much as possible. Humans enjoy piggy backing on other people's back as a way of transport, 'cause people are so fucking weird...

Humans are considered a "video game" that was released before you were born. It received positive reviews from critics, but has been criticized for it's graphical violence and use of inappropriate language, because of this, the government has decided to ban this game as of 2012. The exact date of this has not been confirmed, but many suggest that it will be banned sometime in December, possibly the 21st.

History of Humans

Main article: History of Humanity

Millions of years ago, long before our arrival on this fair planet from some dim galactic pus-pocket, a primitive group of clever barbarians, the humans, evolved from a group of dust mites which escaped from a nuclear reactor built by aliens. They were a worthless bunch, but managed to survive anyway.

An alternative story has it that back in the 1830s, Mel Gibson wrote, directed and starred in a movie named Star Wars. To make it come to life he required the existence of a new species, so he found the nearest bakery and created millions of humans, in a variety of flavors, and equipped them with an epic backstory. While the the humans lived on with some success, the movie was a flop. He also decided to build a toilet out of gold, and put it in his office.

Finally, an alternative to the alternative has it that God was looking for ingredients for his new recipe, Soylent Green, and thus he invented humans (as described in the previous section), who then built a skyscraper which was found offensive and thus destroyed, indirectly or directly causing various world wars involving the likes of Hitler who had a lot to say on the topic (that is, when he wasn't interrupted by Jews) and is thus quoted in numerous articles here. Hitler finally committed suicide when he had no more to say to anybody, leaving a more peaceful existence for the remaining years of the world, at least until Nickelback came along.

If evolution is something to go by then humans came from apes, monkeys, prosimians, reptiles, fish and prokaryotes.

In recent times, the human species has undergone rapid genetic degradation. With the worlds scientists being too lazy to cure it, the people of the internet gave this new species the title of Noob (scientific name: Noobus sapien). The Noobs subsequent constant demands to be treated as humans (along with requests for more gold) have only led to even further ownage of this inferior sub-race of humans.

Major Problem

Croc-sign

Humans sometimes need things to be made VERY clear.

DramaticQuestionMark
Did you know...
that I am also a human?

Humans have, or had, or might be having (depends on where in time you are when reading), a major problem. Most of them are unhappy pretty much all of the time. They are such a sad species that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

Many solutions have been suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd, because it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

And so the problem remains-lots of people are unhappy, and most are miserable. Even those with digital watches.

And then one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting in a small cafe in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what had been going wrong the whole time and realized how everyone could be happy, but before she could make it to the phone, she got hit by a bus.

It is believed, however, that the way to make everyone happy had something to do with shamelessly plagiarizing a certain popular author. There is unfortunately very little evidence to support this.

Diet

Chiefly grains, insects, other humans, Flesh Eating Bovines and small rodents and anything else. Humans are lazy and usually don't make attempts on large predators, but they can and sometimes do, with lethal efficiency. Some sub-species of human such as republicans also feed on the poor.

In fact, humans are vicious predators, and with the assistance of such devices as the "Sharps .45-70", have been able to kill even lions, tigers, Flesh Eating Bovines and bears from a distance of 500 yards--even though their impressively powerful bite would be quite enough. Most humans don't actually eat bears, but they pride themselves in being able to kill them and make fun of each other for attempting to do so with undersized weapons.

Cloning

By design, humans are born with a need to be able to, or at least say they've been able to, clone stuff. It could be anything, it doesn't matter. All humans are drawn towards this need, oddly enough, the smart ones even more so than the dumber ones. Cloning of humans has produced positive results over the past three years, so much that Chief Provost Niran Doyle promises a fresh, healthy human in every home by next August.

Humans evolved on planet Earth and their closest domestic relative is a virus. Their closest universal relative is The Roswell Grey.

Cloning is how the humans propagate during the War with Cats.

Some humans claim that a "God" created every human and will smite any who dares questions him.

The Cloning process occurs when a male human and a female human... play tic tac toe while playing the flute. the song that they play on the flute does not matter, as long as its not disco. once they finish the song and finish their tic tac toe match (usually the match is a cats game, if not then the baby will come out with X-ray vision) the female goes into a state of Big-ocus of thus belly-ocus in other words, enlargement of the belly. after some time a baby comes shooting out of the mothers eye and into a near by lake of cuteness. once there, the baby must stay there for the next four minutes, if disturbed, the baby might turn into a shrek-looking kid that would poop out rainbows, having the power to stop time its self.

Predators

Humansuits1

Penguins wear human suits.

There is only one natural predator of the human that is still in existence today: the Flesh Eating Bovine (this includes flesh eating bacteria, a subspecies of the Flesh Eating Bovine). Humans are often preyed upon by these creatures, and are their natural enemy. And other humans. However, this is not a typical predator-prey relationship, where one species predominantly feeds upon the other. A more appropriate description of this relationship would be predator-predator, in which there are two different species of predators that feed upon each other. Humans are the only natural predator of Flesh Eating Bovines. This results in a somewhat unique struggle for power, with Humans and Flesh Eating Bovines vying to enslave and devour the flesh of each other.

Recently more predators have started hunting humans, including the Predator, vampires, Oompa Loompas, and werewolves. One human in particular, however, found a way to put the Oompa Loompas to work doing something other than hunting humans....since as he discovered, they prefer chocolate to human flesh. Likewise, it is rumored that werewolves prefer venison to human meat, but will settle for human meat should the supply of venison grow low.

Large Things built by Humans

Lolo3

An example of large things created by humans.

Some of the largest things humans have built include:

  • The Great Wall of China, designed to keep Wal-Marts out of the country, which failed because of a lack of labor to build the other three walls and a roof.
  • The Pyramids, an early symbol of Multi Level Marketing schemes, which ancient kings used to multiply their wealth.
  • The Sears Tower, the evil lair of Bob Vila.
  • Penises. Build with evil demonic dark black plastic surgery.
  • Godzilla A human in a big lizard suit
  • A womens large breasts or "boobs" as humans themselves have been known to call them.

Human Race

The Human Race is held every other Saturday in Paris, France. It is an international competition for mammals (including ninjas), which set up their humans and ride them around a 2 km track. One, who crosses the finish line first after 30 laps, is the winner.

Famous human racers include Jeb the Horse, Guinea Pig and Mandingo.

Legality

Humans are a controlled substance. In recent years, a number of human rights advocates have sought to legalize humans for medicinal purposes, but this is widely considered to be a bad idea. Humans are highly addictive, toxic, and extremely dangerous. If you see one, report it to the authorities immedeately.

If you suspect your child is on humans, have a talk with him. Explain the risks humans present, and how a human can easily ruin his/its/monkeys/her life. Although understood that you may have used humans when you were a child, don't be afraid of being called a hypocrite. Explain to them how it was a different time, and if they refuse to listen, give them a good belting.

As food

Main article: HowTo:Cook A Human

Human meat (otherwise known as Smeel) has been a subject of interest for years. While smeel normally tastes bad, it may or may not make a good side dish, depending on the country you are from. If you've wondered what smeel tastes like, you could go to the Cannibal Butcher Shop just across the street. Or, to avoid paying, you could cut off your pinkie and eat it with some soy sauce. Smeel is said to have 30 calories per 100g, enough to feed one family of cannibals or two cougars.

Extinction

Main article: Extinction of the Human Race

It is predicted that humanity will face extinction at 15:45 on June 14th 2087. Humans will evolve to become even dumber as time passes. By the time of their extinction, they will still be so primitive that they will refer to their planet as "earth", which is simply another word for "dirt", which is as uninspired as naming your dog "Dog" or your cat "Cat".

Once they have wiped out about 95% of all creatures on the planet, humans will soon begin killing each other due to racism. First the Asians will be wiped out, followed by the Jews, Black people, and most minorities. The white people will then kill each other due to several possible causes:

  • Desire of money
  • Global Warming
  • World War 75
  • The growing number of knife factories
  • The growing number of McDonalds restaurants
  • Their own stupidity, violent nature, and greed
  • Hunger from the lack of other races to persecute
  • They will all turn emo and commit suicide
  • Increasing stupidity
  • Toxic waste accident
  • Toilets worldwide will back-up, creating a giant brown flood
  • Regurgitating guts
  • Stepping on a banana peel
  • All of the above

Any remaining humans will be finished off by a hostile robot and/or zombie and/or alien takeover. The zombies, robots, and aliens will then be killed by an asteroid. After this great catastrophe, the surviving animal species (if any are left) will flourish and thrive on the new earth and eventually evolve into intelligent human-like beings, but will not become as corrupt. Having learned the lessons of human stupidity, they will be better beings and will restore the earth to its former glory.


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