Kitten Huffing

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GOVERNMENT WARNING: According to the Surgeon General, the use of kitten huffing impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

“I love the orange ones! They let me see through my hand!”

~ Oscar Wilde on kitten huffing

“In Soviet Russia, kittens huff YOU!”

~ Russian Reversal on kitten huffing

“Oh, that's what kittens are for?”

~ Some guy on kitten huffing

Kitten huffing is a controversial practice that has recently been growing as a popular alternative to street drugs. Despite a long history in Western culture, the practice remains largely taboo. Excessive huffing has been known to produce undesirable side effects, and kitten-related human fatalities. Even unapologetically frequent huffers caution against using more than two or three kittens per day.

The 'cupped hands approach', developed by the Marquess of Queensberry as a remedy for the pain of head injuries sustained while boxing, has come to be the dominant huffing technique in Europe and the Americas. Other techniques are generally avoided by all but expert huffers and even experts tend to avoid techniques involving rolled up dollar bills, as the kittens tend to clog. Kittens that have already been huffed are referred to as "Depleted". Long-term storage or disposal of depleted kittens has posed a problem for some urban areas. Contrary to popular belief, however, depleted kittens are not permanently depleted, as the actual soul regenerates the protective layer which actually inspires euphoria every year, although the actual rate of regeneration varies from breed to bread (sourdough appears to be the most forgiving).

Part of a series of articles on

Huffing

Huffing Huff Dens Smoking Black hole

Huffing animals Kitten Huffing

Object huffing Article Huffing Huffing the universe Atheist huffing

People Sigmund Freud Big Bad Wolf Anti kitten huffing Creampuff

Other Orange sherbet Wanking Drugs Depleted Kitten

Anti-Huffing Partially Huffable Kitten Much Ado About Huffing Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet

Contents 1 Humane vs. In-Humane Kitten-Huffing 2 Huffing Techniques 2.1 The Felioca Approach 2.2 The Cupped Hands Approach 2.3 The Plastic Tube Approach 2.4 The Traffic Cone Approach 2.5 The Huffing Bowl Approach 2.6 Tummy Huff 2.7 Group Huffing 2.8 Hover Huffing 2.9 Inflation Huffing 2.10 Beer Bong Huffing 3 Preparation 3.1 Condiments 3.2 Yelling at the kitten 3.3 Stretching 4 Effects 4.1 Mechanism of Action 4.2 Long term 4.3 Things You May Experience While Huffing Kittens 5 Long Term Use 6 History 7 Where to find kittens 8 The War on Kitten Huffing 9 Getting Pure Kitten 10 Kittenhuffism 11 Famous Kitten Huffers 12 Types of Huffs 12.1 Best Generic kittens to huff: 13 Top Huffs 13.1 Tiny Orange Kittens 13.2 Bengal Cat 13.3 The Hoff Huff 13.4 The Lion Huff 13.5 The Cheetah Huff 13.6 The Cat-Turtle 13.7 Buddha Huff 14 Kitten Storage 15 The insane gonad hummer 16 "Hothuffing" 17 The huffing song 18 See also 19 External Links 20 References

edit Humane vs. In-Humane Kitten-Huffing

Although kitten huffing is considered inhumane and unethical, many huffers have huff kittens simply because if properly huffed, the kittens only a bit scared or intimidated, but are not physically or psychologically harmed in any way, nor is their any evidence that kitten huffing depletes or abolishes the kitten's chances of going to heaven. However, on the streets their has been a turn towards a less humane kitten huffing practice, known as In-Humane Kitten-Huffing, or Super-Hop-Huffing on the streets, in this practice, the kitten's soul is kept in the lungs as long as possible, if the soul of the kitten is not returned to it's body in a short period of time, damage can occur to the kitten. The United States Department of Kitten Huffing (the USDKH) has declared that keeping the soul for a period of 8-15 seconds can result in temporary or permanent loss of the kittens fine and/or gross motor skills, dizziness, unconsciousness, severe headaches, disease, and neurological damage, in addition, keeping the soul for a period greater than 15 seconds can result in Retardation, AlS, MS, and Death of the kitten. The only advantage to Super-Hop-Huffing is a greater period of pleasure for the huffer. Nevertheless, kitten-huffing for greater than 10 seconds is unlawful under the Humane Huffing Act of 1992, unless your living in Detroit, in which case you can huff as long as ya friggin' want (by the Huff As Long As Ya Friggin' Want act of 1993 Detroit).

edit Huffing Techniques

Listed here are the most common huffing techniques.

edit The Felioca Approach

This approach is generally regarded as the safest for both humans and kittens. A felioca, sometimes called a kitten bong, is a device which looks something like an ordinary bong, but larger, with a filtered port to let air in lest the kitten suffocate, a larger, 2-way filtered port for the actual huffing, an opening to let the kitten in and out while not in use, and a larger, spherical shape that allows the kitten to be comfortable during the huff. The only reason for its lack of popularity is the high price of feliocas, as well as the need to purchase life filters, which ensure the soul remains in the felioca, but allows the kitten to breath, and a two-way huffing filter, so no dandruff escapes during and after the huff. Despite these disadvantages, the felioca is still considered the all-around best (normal) means of huffing for serious huffers and those with cat allergies.

1. Obtain a felioca and filters.
2. Assemble, if required, making sure to test the filters.
3. Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
4. Open your felioca.
5. Insert one (1) kitten.
6. Close your felioca.
7. Begin quickly and evenly inhaling through the large port.
8. Hold your breath for 3-6 seconds.
9. Exhale the huffed soul back into the felioca. Failure to exhale into the felioca may kill the kitten, since the kitten is dependent on its soul.
10. Open the felioca up.
11. Pull the bugger out.

edit The Cupped Hands Approach

1. Catch a live kitten.
2. Cup hands around kitten's head leaving a small hole for you to put your mouth around.
3. Inhale strongly until you have sucked the soul from the kitten.
4. Ride the snake. Don't fight it. You feel'n that shit yet? Yeeeeaah.
5. Either remove the kitten, keeping it as a pet until it grows a new huffable protective coating, or sell it.

edit The Plastic Tube Approach

While less common than the Cupped Hands approach, the Plastic Tube approach is much quicker, although less satisfying.

1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten
2. Find a plastic tube or similarly shaped object
3. Place plastic tube at rear of kitten
4. Inhale through tube
5. Call Poison Control

edit The Traffic Cone Approach

This approach is very popular at outdoor music festivals. Common among group huffers.

1. Obtain a plain, orange traffic cone.
2. Place the kitten under the cone
3. Inhale through top.
4. Wash your face.

edit The Huffing Bowl Approach

Like the Plastic Tube approach, the Huffing Bowl approach has the last steps similar to the Cupped Hands approach. This is the oldest of Huffing Techniques, dating from circa 1126 by King Henry II.

The first three steps are as follows:

1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten.
2. Obtain a huffing bowl (for only £9.99 from your local newsagents) and give it a rinse.
3. Place kitten in bowl.

The fourth step has become lost in the sands of time, yet various esoteric sources say a method similar to the Cupped Hands approach used on the tail or nearby, although this is to be seriously doubted.

edit Tummy Huff

The Tummy Huff is often rare to receive the unique feeling of being in a "deep-high pitched trance" according to the famous pop artist, Andy Warhol.

To perform this huffing technique:

1. Obtain a fresh, live kitten NOTE: DO NOT ATTEMPT WITH A MATURE CAT!
2. Turn the kitten upside down on its back and its hind legs should spread open
3. Place you face in between the hind legs, form your lips into a "buzzing" embouchure and blow, as if you were playing a B-Flat on a tuba

If this is done properly, your kitten should emit a glow, frequently changing color. The glow will soon grow larger, and upon entering the glow you will feel the "deep-high pitched trance" that Andy Warhol described. This is described by some people as being similar to going down an endless 90 degree hill on a roller coaster. WARNING: USE THIS HUFFING TECHNIQUE AT YOUR OWN RISK AS OVERDOSING MAY CAUSE YOUR HEAD TO ASPLODE.

edit Group Huffing

In the early nineties kitten huffers began organizing parties in which ten to fifteen people would huff the same cat simultaneously. The users feel sense euphoric trance, the users will see various colors around the room.

To preform this technique:

1. Obtain a live, overweight cat no older than ten years old or one orange cat.
2. put kitten in a large pot with 1.5-2 inch openings (1 for each person), this is commonly known as a huffiliary.
3. close lid
4. huff strongly through openings

• Note: Cats that are group huffed can only be used once

edit Hover Huffing

This new and dangerously disorienting variation on huffing was devised by Oscar Wilde shortly after his invention of the anti-gravity Cat-Toast Device (see Murphy's law application for anti-gravitatory cats). The huffer glues a piece of buttered toast to the back of the kitten making it hover due to competing falling cat - Murphy's law of buttered toast forces. The kitten is then huffed, toast and all, making the huffer hover and rotate adding a whole new dimension to the huff. This comes with a dire warning though, every huffer who has attempted this with orange kittens has met a horrific death as they spin out of control eventually blacking out due to the g-forces induced.

edit Inflation Huffing

This recently discovered method of huffing was discovered by Ivan the Terrible in the year of 2084 AD. The method generally involves taking a bicycle pump, sticking it into a kitten, and then pumping and breathing in front of the kitten's face. Eventually, the kitten will become so full of air that the soul blasts out of it's body violently, causing a raw and devastating high that leaves all who experience it never the same.

edit Beer Bong Huffing

Beer Bong huffing will make the user extremely disoriented. Invented in Frat houses in the late 1960's, Beer Bong huffing is the most dangerous form of common huffing.

Directions:

1. Obtain a fresh live kitten.
2. put at the top the beer bong device.
3. begin huffing very fast for no no longer than twenty seconds at a time.

edit Preparation

Some people prepare their kitten for a more enjoyable huff with the following methods...

edit Condiments

Many people sprinkle condiments on their kittens prior to huffing in order to create a different flavor or texture. Some common condiments used are wasabi, crushed cookie, maple syrup, chocolate syrup, chocolate laxatives, ABC Gum, sprinkles (jimmies), and cracked corn. Oftentimes Jimmies are used with cracked corn, which is where smart people say the song Jimmy Cracked Corn came from. Of course because these people are smart, we can disregard anything and everything they say as false.

edit Yelling at the kitten

Effective but not always practical, but if done correctly it will release a crazy amount of endorphins when huffed.

edit Stretching

Must be done properly or else it ruins the specimen. When done correctly it provides a longer, fuller huffing experience.

edit Effects

The euphoria produced by kitten huffing has been subject to much speculation over time. Longinus believed that the high of kitten huffing was the direct result of absorbing the kitten's soul and that, consequently, the huffing of a larger animal would have a commensurately larger effect. This, of course, is an absurd plausible proposition. Others claim that the kitten's postmortem gases produce the euphoric effects. Ultimately, the key to kitten huffing's effect lies deep within the brain stem and is still not clearly understood by scientists.

Recent evidence, however, suggests that a protective layer surrounding the actual soul is the actual element of the soul absorbed into the bloodstream that inspires euphoria. This would explain how the soul remains intact, and why kittens become "huffable" again within a matter of months. Unfortunately however, these new findings have been largely ignored by the huffing community, still believing kittens to be permanently depleted, causing many to dispose of kittens or kill them.

The great physician Paracelsus was known to recommend kitten huffing as a cure to influenza, the gout, syphilis, and most of all, boredom. In his Archidoxis Kittenhuffae, he states that "verily, the greatest of medicines is the kitten when huffethed through the mouth or nose, as it cureth gout, leprosy, and varied maladies of the privy members. Furthermore, the orange ones fucketh you up mighty good." Paracelsus believed that the effects of kitten huffing are caused by the human microcosm absorbing the feline microcosm; it should be noted that the Archidoxis Kittenhuffae was written under the influence of aforesaid "orange ones".

Many kitten huffers experience a constant intense craving for rice pudding. These cravings are known as the "ricies" and are caused by habitual kitten huffing as well as Disfarbulating under the influence of kittens. Police have started to crack down on suspected kitten addicts by limiting daily rice pudding consumption. Any American citizen who has more than five pounds of pudding in one day without a license can be arrested on suspicion of a kitten huffing addiction. Similarly in Britain, if rice pudding is seen in or around the mouth of any person, he is punched with moderate force in the eye and obliged to say 'God Save the Queen' to the attending officer. Possessing ten pounds of rice pudding is enough to put you behind bars, because it is admissible in court as definitive proof of a kitten huffing addiction. Because of the value of this pudding among kitten huffers, the Mafia has even gotten into the rice pudding business. In Little Italy, there is a business called Rice to Riches that only serves rice pudding, which specifically caters to kitten huffers. Careless kitten huffers have reported that if the feline essence is held in the oral cavity without being passed to the lungs, it can cause temporary numbing of the tongue. This numbing is believed to be the basis for the phrase, "Cat got your tongue?" and is commonly used by those exerting peer pressure to determine whether a huffer is actually huffing or simply holding a kitten soul in his/her mouth.

Although there is little research done on huffing kittens sprinkled with cracked corn, the only study done so far has shown that due to the volatility of the resulting chemical mixture, huffing these kittens may cause speed-typing addictions and/or head explosion.

edit Mechanism of Action

edit Long term

Constant use can result in unwanted side affects; you may see people erratically making cat noises, as can be seen here:

edit Things You May Experience While Huffing Kittens

• Colors unknown to mankind.
• Timothy Leary may speak to you about what your kitten huffing experience really means for you. Ignore him.
• Jesus, Buddha and Nietzsche will invite you for tea and cakes.
• The perfect woman and/or perfect man.
• The spirit of This Guy visits all 1st time huffers.
• Cows if you have eaten steak before huffing.
• Your sickest fantasies. Sexual or otherwise.
• The soul of the cat you just killed humanely huffed. Good for you, you coldhearted bastard rock!
• Michael Jackson.
• The Non-Huffable Kitten stalking you.
• Elvis Presley may send a hound dog on you, but don't worry, it ain't nothin' but a hound dog.
• Tom Cruise the heinous Cockgoblin, slobbering all over your thetans
• The wrong side of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick
• An E♯or an F♭ (notes unknown to mankind)
• The
• The Legendary White Teletubby
• A list containing items that don't exist.
• This item doesn't exist. If you are reading this item, please get off your computer immediately, wait forty five minutes for the effects of kitten huffing to wear of, then reload this page. Have a nice day! *Please Huff Responsibly*
• you got huffed
• my articles got huffed
• many articles got huffed
• some crazy old lady yelling in your ear about you huffing her kitten

edit Long Term Use

The Following is a list of effects from Long term huffing:

• Coughing up hairballs
• Hallucinations of the kittens you've huffed (they won't be happy to see you)
• Unintentional Meowing
• Unintentional fornication involving an iron stick
• A fear of Dogs
• You may develop a hunger for mice
• A fascination with dangling pieces of string and/or tinsel
• A fear of water
• You will only be able to drink liquids from a saucer
• On the plus side, you will have cat-like reflexes because you will always be on edge thinking someone is going to kill you

edit History

The first documented case of kitten huffing is from Artemus of Capadocia in 432BC, who described "ae wydenyng of ye soule wyth yon huffe" upon sucking out the soul of a young wild lynx kitten from the plains of central Asia Minor. Kitten huffing achieved only a minor level of interest outside of the Asian sub-continent until famed Englishman, This Guy, wrote his treatise Me and the Marquis Get Down With Some Crazy Shit on an extended huff-binge he took with the Marquis de Sade and brought the practice to the forefront of haute couture.

Historically, kittens were farmed on the plains of central Asia. Selective breeding for increased potency led to the emergence of the first ginger ones around 800AD. When Christopher Columbus discovered a viable trade route from Spain to China in 1492AD, he brought back fresh kitten breeding stock, which led to the advent of local, European, kitten breeding. Western breeding programs lagged behind Eastern ones until the early 20th century, when modern science and technology allowed for precise refinement of the breeding process. While many connoisseurs still claim that only imported Asian kittens are worth huffing, American and European techniques have advanced sufficiently that no casual huffer should be able to tell the difference.

Kitten huffing was declared a mortal sin within the Roman Catholic Church by Papal edict in Pius V's landmark Novarum Felinium of 1649AD.

edit Where to find kittens

It is possible to grow kittens indoors by purchasing a wild kitten plant over the Internet. The plant is illegal to possess, but the spores can be sold for research purposes. Kitten plants produce approximately ten kittens per month; therefore, five or six suffice to support a moderate kitten habit. Growers should note that kittens are the method through which the plant reproduces, and therefore those growing on wild plants will contain seeds. The seeds produce intense, saliva-like highs that are generally considered undesirable; therefore, amateurs are advised to purchase only plants which will yield seedless kittens.

If you are unable to grow your own, kittens can be purchased in five pound bags or puss from a kitten dealer or pussy. You should take care that your pussy is trustworthy, you don't want to find out that you've been huffing kittens that have been stored with other animals, such as turtles, octopi, spuppies, or even worse, Paris Hilton. Alternatively, you can use the classified ads of a local newspaper to find people who have cats and are unaware of the kitten huffing phenomenon, giving away premium kittens so they don't have to look after them.

Desperate addicts often resort to trying to get kittens from 'Animal Care Centers' or from the local pound (known as "Cat-stops" on the streets). Many huffers claim the quality of these kittens is not as good. It's also possible to get sick when huffing stray homeless kittens due to various diseases they have picked up from the street. Recently, employees of some cat-stops have showed vigilance against huffers "wanting a free buzz at the expense of a defenseless little creature" and have denied many legitimate huffers access to kitten stocks. A huffer normally has no problems if its the first time they have gotten a kitten from any given cat-stop, but can never expect to get a regular supply.

WARNING: DO NOT huff dead cats because you will haunted forever by the soul of the dead cat, and he or she will be a major downer. Also you will go into a crazed high and you will kill people. Always make sure your cat is breathing before huffing it

edit The War on Kitten Huffing

There was tacit tolerance, if not acceptance, of kitten huffing up until the late 19th century, when the emerging temperance movement first spoke out against the habit. The practice of kitten huffing was outlawed during Prohibition as part of the Mewling Reforms, though, as with alcohol, the market for kitten huffers continued to thrive underground. With the repeal of Prohibition, the anti-huffing laws were also removed but the negative social stigma remained.

In the 1950s, a series of public service announcements were recorded by the BBC and aired during the popular Uncle Bertrand's Fortnightly Children's' Hour (surviving fragment:Uncle Bertie's message to the children).

P.S.A.'s such as Bertrand's continued into the mid 70s but eventually fell out of favor for being totally square. More recently, a number of support groups have developed to help those individuals with huffing problems, the largest of which is Kitten Huffers Anonymous, which seeks to replace a love of pussy cats with a love of God.

Nancy Reagan's 1980 "Hugs not Huff" campaign against Kitten Huffing was successful until about 1982 when people realized that huffing kittens was much better than hugs.

Today, the battle over public policy has led to a tentatively titled "War on Feline" spearheaded by the Vatican (which never did like pussy) and the Institute for a New American Veterinary. The famous National Socialist for Paedophilia's Lewis Black of the Anti Kitten Huffing Movement has campaigned tiresomely for awareness of the dangers of Kitten Huffing, however controversy surrounds the motives of his movement. There is rumored involvement of certain Columbian pet cartels interested in artificially raising demand.

edit Getting Pure Kitten

The worst part of novice huffing is finding pure kitten. We all know the story, some guy in a club offers you a little bag of kittens, they all have smiley faces on them and he promises you a good time. You get home and check out your "kittens" only to find you have been given a selection of sundry other animals stuck together and painted to resemble kittens! Cunning dealers often use ocelots or other low grade feline products, do not accept alternatives!

A quick and easy method for testing for real kittens is to drop them in water, fake kittens will remain visible while real kittens become hard to see as their refractive index is similar to that of water.This is the same test that can be used on diamonds and has led to the theory that high quality kittens may be formed in a similar way, taking thousands of years of heat and pressure under the surface of the Earth. Isn't nature marvelous!

You can also test kittens for quality by swinging them by their tails in crowded rooms, as the saying goes "there isn't room to swing a cat in here". If you can swing your "kitten" it is clearly fake, if you fail then it is the real deal, you better go somewhere quiet and get on with the huff.

Be wary of people you don't know offering you kittens, the best place to get kittens is from classified adds in local newspapers. Regular folk who have cats and are unaware of the kitten huffing phenomenon often give away premium kittens just so they don't have to look after them! You can take full advantage of these suckers by telling them you have a wonderful, loving new home for all their unwanted little balls of fluff then selling them on to your fluff-head friends making a huge profit!

edit Kittenhuffism

Real fluff-heads sometimes believe they have found God in a kitten huffing trip. This is the basis for the religion of Kittenhuffism and its small celebrity offshoot KittenHoffism. Members of this religion believe that salvation can be found through kitten huffing. However, a distressing number of professional huffers have ended their days this way. The easiest way to avoid this weird fate is to only huff recreationally, as only true addicts end up this way.

As a side note, KittenHoffism is growing in popularity. Members are recognizable by the small red string bracelets they wear, their regular trips to Israel, and the large amount of money they give to David Hasselhoff. Notable celebrity members are Madonna, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears and Roseanne, among others. The red string bracelet "is meant to show devotion to the mystical practice and to offer us protection from the very powerful negative energy of the evil eye" according to one source. There is even KittenHoffism Water for sale which has been blessed by The Hoff himself.

edit Famous Kitten Huffers

• Keith Richards (Huffed his cat, Snowball, mixed with his father's ashes.)
• John Steinbeck (frequently huffed kittens while writing, especially Grapes of Wrath)
• David Hasselhoff (frequent user, says he huffs before every taping of "America's Got Talent")
• Robin Williams (Notorious kitten huffer during the Mork & Mindy era, later would replace his kitten huffing addiction with a cocaine addiction.)
• Lindsay Lohan (was arrested with a sack off 100 Fire Crotch Huff kittens)
• Courtney Love (Rolls kittens in cracked corn before huffing)
• Maggie Simpson (Snowball II didn't get run over. It was huffed by this notorious kitten huffer, who spends her days trying to huff Flander's cat)
• George W. Bush (Huffs before every important speech he gives, explaining his stuttering)
• Dick Cheney (Huffed before shooting his friend in the face)
• Bill Clinton (claimed to have invented group huffing).
• Kate Moss (Plastic Tube Huffed 5 cats in one single sitting)
• Jack Thompson (Huffs kittens while masturbating to the Hot Coffee Mod in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.)
• Mista Brown Manh (Huffs kittens while making young children cry from beating them in chess, and singing horribly)
• Calvin Brodas a.k.a. Snoop Dogg (correlated the first cat-huffolympics. The games consisted of huffing Billy bobcats, Tony the Tigers, the entire Detroit Lions football team, Cheesy Chester Cheatahs, and several other important full grown cats. It was discovered at these olympic huffing games that large cat huffing could permanently destroy the mucus membranes in the lining of the nostrils, and produce "catus furballas". )
• Buguese, even though he's a pimp, there there were numerous references of him Huffing Kittens in the Millions.
• The Retardis, Although its not a human it has a kitten huffing machine stuck in a time imperfecture and thus, will be huffed for the rest of eternity
• Mr Trololo, Who doesn't need an introduction, After a serious session of kitten huffing, he sang his famous hits, and rocked the world, nothing remained the same afterwards.

edit Types of Huffs

Although the ordinary, striped, fuzzy, American Shorthair domestic kitten (known as the Generic kitten) is by-far the most popular, and is valued because of availability and reputation, non-typical cat breeds are still somewhat popular within the huffing world due to their distinct properties. Of course, all breeds have different effects. Below is a list of the most popular non-generic huffs and their properties. Below that is a list of the best generic huffs.
Here is the list (in no particular order):

• Russian Blues One of the most popular non-generic kittens on the market, the Russian Blue is popular for its cheapness, availability, and prized, mellow, sweet, silky flavor. Noted as being a similar experience in huff to smoking on a beach, watching a blue moon, and lazy mist floating near the water on a hot summers night in Hawaii... You get the picture. It is very popular among beginning huffers due to the non intensity of it's high. It opens nasal passages and clears to mind, so it is sometimes used to treat migraines and nasal congestion.

• American Wirehair Extremely similar to the domestic (American Shorthair) cat, but noted for it's tendency to build up euphoria to a climax, which is generally more preferable to a huffer, thus resulting in their higher price than a generic cat. In all other ways, American Wirehairs are virtually identical to American Shorthairs, resulting in the common mistake of considering them generic. When choosing colors, view the "Best Generic kittens to huff:" to guidelines, as they are applicable to the American Wirehair.

• Adult Lions The most dangerous feline to huff, Lions have a 93% chance of instant death, 2% chance of the best high ever, and a 5% chance to disappear forever into the great void. The effects of the best high ever involve pure unadulterated euphoric acid leaking from your ears, instant boner (even if you are a woman), green-colored bloodshot eyes, and an addiction 25 million times more severe than heroin. It is not possible, let alone likely to survive such a huff and still be in a state of sanity, for this reason, the US Government has mandated that anyone to survive a Lion-Huff MUST be patty-wagoned away by men in white coats.

• Bengal Very similar to both generic huffing and big-cat huffing, the Bengal cat is considered and ideal cat to huff, competing even with the Orange Generic Kitten. Plus, they produce a wild twist, noted very similar, although much less powerful than a real big-cat, suggesting that they were breed from both big-cats and orange kittens the produce a perfect huff. The only downside, and undisputed reason why they are not far more popular is their outrageous price, which is often several times that of an orange one. Very seldom is it that anyone apart from the very wealthy and very serious amateur huffers huffs the great Bengal Cat.

• Bombay Ah, the great black Bombay huff, although nothing spectacular, the great Bombay cat strikes a good balance between pleasure, quality, and price. They are noted for their dark, rich, almost charry, yet strangely sweet flavor, the intense sensations of spinning the emit, and their inspiration of transcending joy and excitement. Somewhat consequently, they are frequently huffed at weddings and rights of passage.

• British Shorthair The British Shorthair is only somewhat popular in England, where they were huffed and prized for their bulky, hearty huff, one of the longest lasting of the common huffs. The British Shorthair is a good huff and rather cheap, so it is unknown why it never really caught on outside the British Isles.

• Japanese Bobtail Somewhat popular in East-Asia, especially Japan, the Japanese Bobtail is short, sweet, and surprisingly affordable. One fluffhead described the sensation of a Bobtail huff as similar to being dropped head first into cold water, then being hit with waves and waves of euphoria. This is probably why it is most popular in Low-Middle to Middle class areas of urban Japan. It is also somewhat popular at New Years festivals in China. If fact, in ancient China couples used to give it as gifts to one another. The Japanese Bobtail was also given as a gift from Japan to China, starting the formerly mentioned tradition.

• Birman The Birman is one of the best examples of a cat that became popular in huffing worldwide, but never completely caught-on. The Birman first became popular in the US because of the decent pricing, and long, extremely sweet huffing flavor it produces that is almost like getting cool honey poured down your throat, only much less sticky. Other effects can include minor hallucinations and distorted hearing. They only caution to heed with the Birman is not to inhale any of its extremely long fur.

• Sphynx One of only a handful of cats belong to a family of hallucinogenic huffs, it is by far the cheapest and most popular. It's huff generates a 45-80-minute hallucinogenic wave, in which time you should not make any choices or operate machinery. It's hairless so their is no danger of hair consumption. This breed of cat creates little to no actual euphoric pleasure, though it does have a bit of a reputation for inducing intense excitement. It is said that ancient Egyptian medicine men would huff these cats when trying to communicate with the gods. If there are gods, however, they failed miserably, only getting closer to Satan and... ops.. got a little of topic. Ah, well, point made. A good huff if you like to see Santa floating in your room.

• Maine Coon In fact not a joke about race, the Maine Coon can best be described best as being similar to a fine Cuban Cigar, although more expensive and longer lasting. Amateurs are recommended to try this as their first non-generic huff due to it's pleasant and relaxing high. Being as American as Apple Pie has established it as a great 4th of July treat (for people 12 and over, you scum) and a great way to honor heroes on Veterans days (ie you buy them a huff.)

• Siamese We can recommend huffing Siamese kittens, due to their highly abstract and colorful pitch during the effect which echoes for at least a minute between each huff, very similar to the melancholy of a shit scared 4 year old kid, the moment before the needle penetrates the arm at the medical clinic.

edit Best Generic kittens to huff:

# 5: The White Kitten Noted for it's ability to produce the longest-lasting pleasure, the white cat is a relatively rare color of kitten due to its value in the huffing industry, but the are still easy enough to find in California, Utah, Japan, India, China, Mars, Gruesville, and Your mom's secret bedroom box.

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# 4: The Grey Kitten One of the most popular kittens for huffing due to the notable strong euphoria it brings, and it's availability. These kittens can be found in almost any place in the world where kitten huffing is legal, and many more where it isn't.

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# 3: The Black Kitten A kitten famous for it's powerful trips, and intense, short lasting euphoric effects. These kittens are a bit hard to find, but can still be found throughout the US, Mexico, France, Spain, Germany, Austria, and China.

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# 2: The Brown Kitten A kitten one of the most powerful kittens to huff on the planet. These kittens are a hard to find, but can still be found in high-classed stores and gangs in the US, Mexico, Japan , Austria, India, and China.

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# 1: The Orange Kitten Theorized to be the most powerful kittens to huff on the planet. They are said to deliver the most mind-numbing huffing experience, thusly, are the most valued kittens by the majority of the kitten-huffing world. These kittens are usually the hardest to find, but can still be found in the murky swamps of Dagobah, the endless dunes of Yootapootapowpow, and the great green grassy mounds of Teletubbyland. Most who have ever tried to huff one of these have been erased from existence by the sheer power of it. Survivors (those that are not Bat fuck insane, clinical vegetables, or Yeltsin) speak of distant planets with armies of these orange fur balls lead by their supreme leader, the Non-Huffable Kitten, awaiting only his command to invade earth and reverse-huff everything!

edit Top Huffs

Here are the top huffs the world has to offer:

edit Tiny Orange Kittens

as mentioned like -0-billion times, the fabled orange ones are the best you can get. For safety's sake, always have your orange kittens examined by an expert. You don't want to be huffing a rat covered in orange paint.

Note: You may be huffing a Non-Huffable Kitten, which will result in a scratched face and a reverse huff. You know, the one where the cat huffs you. This is possible since the Non-Huffable Kitten is also an orange cat.

edit Bengal Cat

The Bengal Cat is not very popular, do primarily to it's high pricing. However, it is considered the only other domestic cat that generates a high strong enough to compete with that of a Tiny Orange Kitten. The Bengal cat has several advantages over a regular orange cats:

• The high is longer.
• It has a more pungent wild flavor.
• It's high is very much like that of a lion, only much smaller.

Experts believe that the similarities in huffing qualities to a lion may have been the intended result of many years of breeding, suggesting that this breed may have been created for huffing purposes.

edit The Hoff Huff

Huffing kittens from David Hasselhoff's chest hair has only been tried by a select club of celebrity huffers, but it is said to add a new and musty experience. Just don't let him tempt you with his puppy fetish. Devoted Hoffers have a habit of becoming devotees of KittenHoffism; this entails wearing a red string bracelet and giving money to The Hoff. Strangely after huffing the user feels the need to eat a hamburger ,in a drunken state, off the ground.See Kittenhuffism below for more details.

edit The Lion Huff

Huffing lions is one of the most intense physical experiences on the planet. Lions are said to be best huffed as cubs, do to a more sweet mellow experience, and a lower change of getting eaten after the huff or asploding out of shear ecstasy. The only known Adult Lion huffer is Chuck Norris, who claims to have huffed at least -0-dozen lions.

edit The Cheetah Huff

The cheetah is the fastest land animal and huffing a cheetah kitten gives the fastest, scariest huff known to man. Imagine hurtling through a psychedelic wonderland at 100 kph with a desire for raw flesh and you're not even halfway there, while listening to Steve Miller at four times the normal speed backwards, while traveling into a black hole. This is one for the thrill seeker everywhere. Scientists are still trying to ascertain what effect the spots have but frequent users have been known to give up striped and tabby varieties of kitten exclusively for ones with spots after a cheetah huff. The ancient Egyptians were big fans of the cheetah huff and are known to have had large collections of cheetahs on hand at any time to satisfy their wanton desire for speed spot huffing. Legend says that when Chuck Norris was a baby his mother had him huff a Cheetah kitten once a day, giving him superhuman strength.

edit The Cat-Turtle

This rare hybrid native to Pieland was bred for the huffablity and quality. Sold on posh street corners, they are described as "The best huffables money can buy" The distinctive taste can't be matched by any other brand of huffable kitten, so people come all around the world to visit the Cat-Turtle Ranch and have a try of their finest huffables.

edit Buddha Huff

The most sacred of all huff. Bred by Buddhist Monks in Tibetan Shrine since. Discovered by Benjamin Franklin in 1785, while he was on an expedition where he used all of the finest Chinese Huffables and had sex with hundreds of Chinese Street whores. The Huff is so strong it would take 1,000 tiny orange kittens to equal half the high. The Huff trips last approximately 24 hours, where the user goes through a highly psychedelic experience and experiences 24 hours of pure nirvana. Only a handful of people have used Buddha Huff, most after using become Buddhists who spend the rest of their life learning how to cultivate the huff.

edit Kitten Storage

Kittens should be kept as fresh as possible before huffing, however refrigeration is not recommended as this solidifies the kitten making it much harder to huff and slowing down the whole experience. Professionals keep their kittens in a special kitten storage device called a kitty litter. This is basically a climate controlled set of drawers, a bit like a humidor where rich people keep fat cigarettes called cigars. Portable versions have hit the market recently, allowing the man about town to take his supply of kittens with him for that sneaky huff between important meetings.

Remember that kittens must be fed and watered regularly to keep them at their best. You can also enjoy kittens before huffing them, they are fun to cuddle and play with. Personal favorites are dangling a bit of string in front of them and training them to form pyramids.

edit The insane gonad hummer

Huffing a good lynx once in a while (usually acquired as "An insane gonad hummer" in the West Bronx of Copenhagen in the back premises of the pet shops), can due to overdose turn out in two ways - in Chronically sweeeeet Humming Gonads (C.S.H.G. Syndrome) or in more extreme cases Everlasting Sweeeeet Humming Gonads (E.S.H.G. Syndrome).

It can be a very amusing effect (especially the sweeeeet humming sound) for a while, but in time it will end up in an utterly annoying status quo, similar to tinnitus, but located just beneath the scrotum.

The humming sound should during the huff, evaporate from the pointy ears of the lynx, which puts them into fast vibrations, in the pitch of a 370 Hz G-flat.

Many great animalistic caretakers has fallen into the shadow after a few (>30 lynxes a week).

edit "Hothuffing"

Hothuffing was common in the late 1700's. It was originated by Benjamin Franklin by accident. Franklin liked to huff and fly kites at the same time. He would tie the string from the kite to the cat's tail and huff once the kite was airborne. One day, the kite was struck by lightning and the kitten caught fire. Ben had visions of fondling Bea Arthur. He wanted to huff another kitten the same way, but the skies cleared up. So he set the kitten on fire and immediately huffed it. Ben Franklin had hallucinations of being in a threesome with Bea Arthur and Bettie Page.

Hothuffing soon became a craze on college campuses and in kennels. The practice was soon banned because hothuffing interfered with CB radios.

edit The huffing song

What is animal drug huffing

What gets you high quicker huffing

Makes me feel like a man

Huffing makes me kiss and hug it but I'd rather huff

Boy I could huff huff huff huff

I cant remember how much I have huffed

I'll huff 12 cats with my dad

Thats my son the huffing stud I'm proud to be his bud

edit See also

Kitten huffing sound (file info) The sound of a huffed kitten.

Don't huff the kittens (file info) An impassioned plea from the nice folks at PETA.

• Huffing
• Depleted Kitten (Also includes more huffing techniques)
• Disfarbulating
• Animal rights activists
• Cat Juggling
• Cat
• Side effects
• Chicken Huffing
• Kitten Huffers Anonymous
• Kittens
• Kitler
• Kitten plant
• This Guy
• Lestat de Lioncourt
• Huff Dens
• Catsturbating
• UnNews:President Bush vetoes kitten-huffing bill
• UnBooks:Professional Kitten Huffing
• God, kittens, masturbation, killing, and you
• A rare example of a Toilet Bowl Huffing, resulting in a Reverse Huffing
• Jimmy Cracked Corn

edit External Links

• New Allergy-Free Kittens for Huffing
• Kittens Huffing
• Cat huffing Russian-style
• The Huffing Bowl Approach is particularly frowned upon by the masses.
• An example of a Kitten Huffing bong

edit References

“I love those orange ones - they let me see through my hand.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kitten Huffing

This article is in agreement with the KITTENHOEFFER magazine stand article and is considered canon. Please ensure that a high level of consistency is maintained between these articles by not adding irrelevant content.

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