Huddersfield

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This article was mentioned in The Huddersfield Daily Examiner, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here


HuddTS

Huddersfield Train Station during Stewart's Chancellorship election campaign with propaganda displayed on the main building. Loudspeakers played Stewart propaganda night and day, where he was begging to be taken seriously as a Shakesperian actor and academic. Stewart then went on to kill the Mayor of Leeds United football club.

Huddersfield (pronounced 'Udder's field.) is the capital of and is the administrative centre of West Yorkshire. There has been a settlement at Huddersfield since the early Iron-Age. The famous landmark of "Castle Hill" was an Iron-Age fort, but never a castle. A castle like tower was built in 1899 to celebrate the death of Wham, the 80's pop sensation that wont leave you alone until you 'Go go'.

Huddersfield's most famous inhabitant is Jean Luc Picard who doesn't actually reside in Huddersfield, but is from the place for working class heroes known as Mirfield, which (yeah) is fairly near Huddersfield but not actually in it. Patrick Stewart is the current Chancellor of Huddersfield University; the famous slapheaded luvie, who is now too greedy to appear in any more Star Trek films, likes to see his face plastered all over the town.

Uddersfield

The largest and greatest area of Huddersfield was Lindley until it was discovered that Lindley had been moved to Bradford in the back of a Ford Transit van.
The town of Huddersfield lies in the Colne Valley, where the surrounding hills give an excellent view of the permanent yellow smog that hangs over the town.
To the east lie the tourist attractions of the ICI complex, the shopping complexes and Leeds Road, the main escape route out of Huddersfield.

The approach to Huddersfield in all directions is lined by a selection of everything's-a-pound shops, Netto, Lidl, and derelict buildings. There is also a new Lidl store that offers a wide variety of biologically damaging foodstuffs imported from former states of the USSR.


Hud uni

Huddersfield University.

Park

Huddersfield in Bloom: Pandabody Lane Municipal Park, a riot of colour in high summer.

Huddersfield Pretend-University, do me a favour! This half baked educational establishment started out as a technical college in the 1930's. With much pleading and begging it was allowed to become a Polytechnic.

Working on the correct assumption, that no one in their right minds would want to graduate from a Polytechnic, when so many Universities were around, it became one itself a few years ago.

A local competition was held to choose a name for the new pretend-university. One of the entries that came top of the list, and was nearly chosen, was First University College of Kirklees.

The acronym was duly displayed on the college's towering library building in letters three feet high before anyone noticed the unfortunate spelling.

The University is now busy churning out high quality graduates in Media Studies and Humanities. Much like the Ford Motor Company, who make thousands of cars that no-one wants to buy; in the off chance that sales might pick up. The graduates of Huddersfield University go into long term storage at the local dole office (that's unemployment or social security to non UK people).

The University is also famed for its Student Union and their inability to organise an open mic night for people without mouths. Most terms offer gigs from bands banished from other Universities two decades ago and also provides a last gig for the worst alternative rock bands before their record label drops them.

The Student Union had occupied several buildings over the years, moving regularly so they can enjoy an expensive downgrade. The current building is based on a popular local abattoir with a stage the size of a dog's arse. The Student Union enriches the local culture by assiduously refusing to admit anyone who isn't a student.

Intellectual Centre

The economic and intellectual centre of Huddersfield lies between Honley and New Mill. It is approximately 5.7 centimeters long and a light brown colour.

Insane Asylum

There also used to be a local looney bin, Storthes Hall. We're not talking small rural nut-house here. This place was huge, thousands of beds and sprawling over many acres. Well, it shut down a few years ago. All the loonies were dumped on the streets (aka the "Care in the Community Programme", aka "Let's save a few quid by crapping on people who nobody cares about").
Guess who bought up all the padded cells and electric shock therapy machines? - yeah, that's right Huddersfield Pretend-University.They wanted to convert it into a "Student Village". No need for any adjustments to the site then.

Huddersfield on the TV

Huddersfield has become a favourite location of trashy TV producers. Here are a few world-wide hits filmed in and around Huddersfield.

  • Where the Heart Is
    Turgid series filmed in Slaithwaite (Slawit as I'm sure the locals will correct you, or send you off in the wrong fucking direction). About some nurses, I think. Never watched it.

  • The Gaffer
    Comedy series about a small engineering company. Filmed in Skelmanthorpe. Some merit.

  • Last of the Summer Wine
    Fucking hell, this series, filmed in and around Holmfirth had been going for so long that you had to kick the cast occasionally to check they weren't dead. The lasting popularity of this shamefully unfunny series is a testament to the rapidly plummeting taste and discernment of the UK population.

  • The League of Gentlemen
    Filmed around Marsden. I used to live around there. Superb satirical series. If you haven't seen it, watch it.

  • Huddersfield Bus Station
    Mentioned on Mock the Week twice.

    Public Transport

    QuadDeck Bus

    Huddersfield's unique buses can carry up to 300 traumatised residents and visitors from the city to safety per journey.

    This multi-purpose building in the Town Centre is used as a bus station, public lavatory, emergency shelter for the homeless, walk in rape centre, rest area, cafeteria for those not too fussy about salmonella, drop-in centre for fuck-witted and cash dispenser for muggers.

    Huddersfield is renowned for its excellent public transport. A popular and well know sight in and around Huddersfield is the quadruple decker bus that ferry escaping visitors out of Huddersfield every year. Even more well known are the buses that head towards the villages of Milnsbridge, Linthwaite, and Wilberlee, in which the smell of fecal matter bursts out the bus doors as soon as the open. Also another mode of transportation is the flat cap on wheels, though lesser known, remains a popular method of transportation.







    Dog Shit

    A convenient, and cheap way to get around Huddersfield, is to tie two dog turds to each foot and skate. The thoughtful inhabitants of this Yorkshire town always ensure a plentiful supply of dog eggs for visitors.

    Tourism and Industry

    Hud int

    A familiar sight to tourists. Huddersfield International Airport.

    Huddersfield's main industry is students. With a cheerful predatory smile, the locals welcome these young hopefuls from all over the country, and from around the world (I kid you not, there really are mountains of foreign students).
    According to the hit single by DJ Q and MC Bonez, Huddersfield's main industry is in the business of creating "bitches-and-Hoes". This basically means that every family is required to have children until one is attractive enough to become a slag, then apply for cheap dancing roles in bad music videos filmed outside the popular tourist attraction "Pets at Home".



    hud4.jpg


    Fuck the French

    EmleyMoorMast

    Huddersfield's one fingered salute to the French. Perhaps a more important note is that the Duke of Wellington's Regiment, who were (and still should be) prominant recruiters from the Huddersfield area, kicked Napoleon's arse.

    Not only does Huddersfield have a world-famous actor, but the tallest free standing structure in Europe, Emley Moor Transmitter, 1084 feet tall. This is 100 feet taller than the Eiffel tower. So shove that up your arse France.

    Kirklees Metropolitan Council

    This is the final resting place for the displaced Storthes Hall residents. Racked by an unnatural lust for traffic lights, this council is erecting over 9000 sets every week.
    The perpetual traffic jam on Leeds Road holds the world record. No vehicle has successfully escaped Huddersfield for 187 consecutive days. The council employ zombies (jobless students) to patrol the area around Ainly top roundabout to ensure the mortal enemy, Calderdale Council, do not make it alive into Kirklees Controlled Terratory.

    Law Enforcement

    Stainless-steel-klingdon-blade

    By order of High-Lord-Chancellor Patrick Stuart, all police forces must carry a Klingon weapon.

    Police2copy-1

    West Yorkshire Police (1991) 769 cc Fiat Panda patrol car - the cutting edge of crime-fighting technology.

    Police2Van

    1994 "Mark 5" Ford Transit 'chav van.' Notice the highlighted drivers side door to help the fat-arsed coppers get in the correct side for driving.

    Huddersfield is policed by West Yorkshire police force which are one of the most technologically advanced and highly trained forces in the country.
    Each officer is equipped with the latest and greatest in crime fighting technology, including:

    • Big Boots
    • Frontal Lobotomy
    • Large Stick
    • Pile cream to treat the piles caused by sitting around on their fat arses all day.

      West Yorkshire's finest, and probably the most fuck-witted coppers in all of Christendom (except for those in Hebden Bridge, Calderdale, who will actually sell you weed), were former residents of Storthes Hall, home of the terminally insane.

      Sport

      Huddersfield Town Pigeon Racing Society tel. 555-666-777
      Huddersfield Town Whippet Shagging Society tel. 555-4795-8821
      Huddersfield Town Flat Cap Tossing Society tel. 555-4795-8822
      Huddersfield Town Ferret Fiddling Society tel. 555-4795-8823

      Apparently, there is a football team in Huddersfield called Huddersfield town who can't follow in the footsteps of their more famous neighbors Leeds united and escape the third tier of English football recently losing out on automatic promotion to another bigger club Southampton and then losing in the play off final to Peterborough - but the less said about that the better.

      Education for commoners

      One of the most notable and prestigious educational establishments of Huddersfield is Newsome High School, once a selective state school before being reformed in 1806 to serve the local inhabitants of Ashenhurst and Lowerhouses. (as well as other notable council estates within the Huddersfield area)
      Today Newsome High is an under-funded state secondary school with 36% of the student population currently on police bail (and awiting trial) with a further 15% serving some sort of custodial sentence. GCSE Pass rate A to C is below 50% with students usually graduating to Kirklees college or HMP Wakefield.

      There is also 'All Saints Catholic College' which we admire and respect (if we called them Bible bashers, we'd get shot in the face). You can read more about Newsome High School here > [1]

      Sheepridge

      Hud school

      Here's a typical Huddersfield school. Note the security to protect the public from the pupils.

      There is only one thing to say about this scrotal sack of a place and that just so happens to be the exact same thing God said to the Welsh when they asked Him for sheep: "Here you are, now go fuck it". Sheepridge has the largest number of drive-by shootings in the world, on average 15.6 a day. The average age of the common burglar in Deighton is 7. Deighton's only police officer, locally known as "BELL END", kicks the shit out of the juvenile miscreants and then takes them to their loutish drugged-up parents and tells them the local paedo attacked them. This then leads to anyone in the area who innocently waits for their child by Deighton Primary School being stabbed and pissed on after being accused of touching kids. Any person to be simply passing Deighton will get shot if driving or, if on foot, mauled by the top dog in Deighton known as "Yayo," a 12 month old Staffordshire Bull Terrier that is well know for its random acts of scaring most people it meets purely due to its big head.

      Famous People and Deighton

      Patrick Stewart, aka "Captain Picard" aka "Pompous Twat" has never visited Deighton, though we are sure he would love to pop in for a cup of tea and a digestive.

      The great Skelmanthorpe chip shop famine of 1878

      During the early hours of january 18th 1978 a large fire broke out in the peeling room of the Selwyn Froggit fried potato emporium. The ensuing fire claimed the life of a valued jack russell terrier and a few local peasants. Due to the locals complete dependence on the fried potato emporium as their only source of food as many as 300 members of the local population died during the following winter from famine. When the chip shop was finally reopened on June 17th 1879 the remaining locals held a 3 day celebration commonly know as Skelmanthorpe Feast. To this day Skelmanthorpe Feast is celebrated every year on June 17th, culminating in a parade of local children dress as chips and at the head of the parade the leader of the local parish council , dressed as a battered fish.


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