Prepare! Famous and fun hour of favorite game show How much can YOU take!! is coming up at twenty hundred hours tonight, so prepare! Grab your chocolates treats, cracker barrels or whatever else you foolish Americans eat, and prepare! Turn down your Toby Keiths and Kelly Clarksons, a more super TV show than them is heading your way! Believe it, for it's true, How much can YOU take!! is coming on your television screens in only a few small hours, so PREPARE!
What is How Much can YOU take!!?
How much can YOU take!! is a specially designed game show made by Great Nation of Japan to appeal directly to the shallow entertainment desires of Americans, most specifically bloodthirst and sexthirst. Lucky for America, Great Nation of Japan covets those ideas as well! Sadly, to meet puny rules of censorship on FCC television, amount of bloodthirst had to be diminished greatly to appear on foreign
Forget that small tangent, onto detailed synopsis of the fun hour that is How much can YOU take!!! The show is comprised in entirety of a series of both enigmatic and exhilarating challenges, taken on by those who risk their lives and in some case eternal soul to complete. Though primary audience is of course the grand US of A, all of the contestants are strictly Japanese only. Take our word of Bushido honor, it is solely for the purpose of protecting valuable American human resources in the event someone is hurt on set, which is surely frequent with the amounts of entertaining bloodthirst! SUPER Bloodthirst!!
But don't leave this topic as of yet, for there are surprising as well as positive things to discuss!
Even though the people on screen are the ones taking the punishment, you too can play along in the safety of your own home! Yes, both Americans and
the true race from the sun Japanese persons of all ages can play along during speciarry marked segments! This topic shall be explained with an increased intensity of thoroughness later on, so it is recommended that you keep your Horses held!!
The exciting origin and technical histories!!
How much can YOU take!! is directed and produced by friendly Japanese plutocrat and your future buddy Takeshi Hirohizo, as pictured above! Doesn't his aura of handsomeness just take your breath away? Some citizens of Japan say they just watch How much can YOU take!! just to bask in handsomeness!! Why shouldn't YOU as well‽
Takeshi started off as just poor street bum, so he can relate to your destitute and overwhelmingly populous brethren in America! After fighting in the Super Retarded War of 1945, Takeshi decided he would thrust up his bootstraps and make his future riches
rebuilding secret Japanese army, producing wild and crazy game show, just for the sake of pleasing YOU!!
Mr. Hirohizo (no pressure for formalities, call him Takeshi!) denies any relation to former evil and iguana-like dictators sharing similar last name, and guarantees on his word of Bishoppu honor (he is good Catholic just like rest of us, no‽) he has never had his name forcibly changed by his own desire in order to hide any shameful history. No, sir, not all all!
The people, challenges and method of playing!!
How much can YOU take!! features a wide variety of cast members and challenges designed to appeal to YOU, the viewer! Said challenges are geared to satisfying urges for blood and sex thirst, as previously mentioned, though there are some more pussy ones present so kids can enjoy the fun of watching How much can YOU take!! with their birth-givers!
Each challenge is hosted by a Challengeer (word copyrighted by parent company
and weapons manufacturer Bandai), who pits contestants in unique feats of strength, wits, agility and endurance. Each Challengeer is overseen by main host and brigadier general Overlord Ken Miyazaki, who handpicks each challenge at the start of each How much can YOU take!! fun hour.
In case you think Americans could not decipher the name of How much can YOU take!! yet, the name is derived from the fact contestants are graded by their ability to go as far as they can go in terms of number of challenges in a row (not counting sake breaks), as well as, in failure, how much punishment they can take for being losers. We on the show don't take kindly to losers and only accept the finest of contestants for the prize giving ceremonies
and secret after-show training program.
Now that enough background knowledge has been obtained, it is now possible to debut the challenges!!
Take our Britisho word of honour, you shall find each challenge both unique and exciting to watch and have seizures to. Many challenges have a single or more Gruesome Guro Grifter present, which seek to impede progress of contestants in traditional game show style. Now, lets commence with the challenges!
- Running in tires- This one is pretty self explanatory, but here comes the twist! The tires are in a cave, on fire and sprayed with tons of bat attracting materials. Yowza! This one tests agility and endurance, with a bloodthirsty factor of seven; those vampire bats really know how to dig into the flesh!
- Juggling scissors on a thin plank of wood over scantily clad cannibals- Now this is one tremendously fancied by our American test audiences! The contestants are each given trio of scissors and put on shaky piece of wood over a sprawled pit of thonged, starved, man eating mistresses; a dangerously sexy affair indeed! Tests balance, discipline, and sexuality
(as homosexuality is a firm taboo in the future powerful army of Japan). Every ten seconds one of the Gruesome Guro Grifters throw another scissor at the contestant, and it is the contestants task to piece together two scissor while juggling. Let us talk about dangerous affairs, indeed!
- Sitting in a chair without moving for a half hour while an alligator stares directly into your soul from a few inches away- This one goes especially well with animal lovers and younger people! In some versions a slowly dripping faucet of hydrochloric acid is substituted for the deadly animal. Tests endurance, and in some cases, sexuality.
- Wrestling against two gorillas on PCP- In the traditional American style, each combatant is equipped with an American-style-football helmet and an expertly Japanese manufactured dueling knife. Bloodshed abounds, souvenir knives and helmets available at certain malls near you! Trains strength, though used mostly just to weed out the old and weak.
- Swimming 25 laps in an Olympic sized swimming pool of the failing contestants' blood- This one is still under construction.
- Escaping from Mine Island on a pogo stick- What could be more fun that watching contestants bumble around on a secluded island loaded with land mines, with only a pogo stick to guide them? Trains accuracy, balance and discipline for today's aspiring mine sweeper (knowledge of Windows game required as well)
All of these challenges, plus a fresh one every episode, are will keep you both entertained and near falling off your seat. We give you a guarantee!!
Also of notice is a blooper that occurred some point last season, when archived footage of kamikaze pilots were shown in a rather flattering manner. We assure Americans that this footage was purely thrown in by accident, and the man responsible has been fired
and put up on suicide duty as an ironic punishment.
Japan Exclusive features!!
If you are from America, this part is of absolutely no interest to you, and does not apply in your daily watchings of your version of How much can YOU take!! It is kindly asked that you skip this section entirely and go onto the next one, which you should be fully interested in instead.
Anyway, now that the filthy Gaijin have left, it is time to go through the most important segments of How much can YOU take!! First of all, let's throw off this charade of being a dumb Yellow and get right down to business. "How much can YOU take!!", as any fellow Japanese would have known, translates into our far superior language as "Let's see how YOU like it!!", a firm and noticeable yet adequately underhanded foreshadow to our future attack. What attack you ask? Why, the attack that will be made possible by viewers like you! Just donate some scrap metal and sons to P.O. Box 98822 and watch the show from beginning to end for new tips on how to help the soon-to-be-war effort!
There are several exclusive segments and challenges we keep off the American airwaves with reason. To list:
- Hunting ducks in the forest- Contestants are given magnum revolvers and AK-47s; they commence to shoot kidnapped Americans dressed like ducks. Most of the ratings come in from this one, the screams of "I just wanted to see if every restaurant had sushi! Let me go!" never get old to viewers.
- Rolling stones so they don't gather moss- The Katamari present in this segment, however, gathers many an American tourist. Trains our brave boys for the imminent Katamari assault on San Francisco.
- Killing Americans- This one gets thrown in when we run out of subtlety. Occasionally shows up during sweeps.
- Commander Kyoza's Fun Time with Children- Our homemade robot and his robot army pals teach kids important life skills and lessons such as tying shoes, the importance of morals, the history of Japan, the bombing of Hiroshima, how to pilot a jet plane, and how to build Rocket Propelled Grenades right in your own backyard. Great fun for bored kids with nothing to do!
The highest scoring contestants become members of the Mr. Hirohizo's private army, and are stationed in remote Canadian locations until further action is taken.
Gifts to the nation of America!!
Oh, yes! The super special segments only aired on American terevision! How can we possibly forget this part, most important part of them all! The great nation of Japan beget unto America these exciting and intense segments and challenges for the American audience, and the American audience only!
- Furry creatures staring at blood-red pinwheels with wide eyes and savage grins- This segment is a soon-to-be favorite of American children, undoubtedly!
Brainwashes, no, teaches children blind and secretobedience to their Japanesemasters and parents until the time comes for them to revolt. The children are our future!
- Street fighter-esque characters emitting subtle lies and propaganda from their noble mouths for the good of the better nation, Japan- See above, but with less AWWWWW and more WAOOOU!!!
If you want some special American-only fun stuff for adults, just check out www.howmuchcanYOUtake.jp/pornpornpornpornporn.htm for some exclusive adult content and material! So remember, Americans, watch How much can YOU take!! at 8:00 PM EST (9:00 Central), leave your doors unlocked while you eat your fattening foods and watch your superior pornography, and just PREPARE!
Yes, prepare indeed, on our Bitchshido code of honor, call us your personal trainers, because we're going to whip you bitches into shape!!