How To: Use a Public Restroom

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I'm sure that right now you are saying to yourself, "What can you possibly tell me about using a public restroom that I haven't already figured out on my own?"

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Two Things. First, how 'bout throttling back on the attitude a little bit. Nobody likes a wise ass. Comments like that are why the mafia kills people. Secondly, there is much more to a public poo than just popping a squat over the nearest hole in the ground that may or may not be connected to a septic system. In fact, knowing how to properly use a public restroom...(dramatic pause for effect)... can save your life!

What's that you say? You don't believe me? Well sit back, relax, and prepare to be enlightened. Over the next few paragraphs I'm going to show you the steps that will have you on your way to dominating any public crapper you ever cross paths with. Thousands ... Hundreds...Dozens... Seven people's lives have been completely changed using my proven method[1]. Follow my step by step guide and you could be number eight!

Outdoor poo

This guy is doing it all wrong

edit A Little About Me

Hi, I'm Guy LaDouche (pronounced Gee La*Doo*Ch*A, It's French you asshole) and I'll be your guide as we delve into the confusing and sometimes frightening world of public toilets. Before we begin let me give you a bunch of unnecessary background information about myself in the hopes it will convince some of our slower readers that I am somehow qualified to give them advice on even the most insignificant aspects of their lives.

As a child growing up in Arkansas I saw my fair share of public restrooms. After all, Arkansas is the home of Wal-Mart. Whether it was to do number one, number two, or simply waiting outside the stall door of the local truck stop bathroom while my mother sucked off some random dealer for her weekly fix, I spent most of my youth inside public restrooms.

Cat pooping

Even animals have benefited from my course

At first, like many of you, I was frightened and confused when it came to public toilet etiquette. After many years of embarrassing mishaps, public ridicule, and one very awkward evening with what I thought was a female prostitute, I developed THE system for public lavatory usage. My system was designed for my own personal use, but after talking to a friend, who may or may not have been what I thought to be a female prostitute, I realized that their are other people out there who struggle with making ploppies in public just like I did. So I decided to share my method with the world! ..... (You can't hear it but I paid a studio audience to clap and cheer at this very moment in my presentation. In hindsight, that was probably not money well spent.)

edit Pick Your Landing Spot

Choosing which porcelain pony to ride is the single most important step in my system. It is also the most difficult. You're probably thinking "...What's so hard about choosing a toilet?" Once again, I'm going to have to remind you to check the attitude. I will not hesitate to send you nasty E-mails if you can't control yourself.

Many factors go into choosing the proper toilet. First, you have to consider your options. Is the restroom a single commode? A toilet/urinal combo? Is it multi stall? If so, how many? All these questions have to be answered before we can move on.

edit Scout the Scene

The first thing I like to do when entering a public place is to pull a little recon on the restrooms. This way, I know my options. For the sake of argument, lets say that this particular location we've stumbled into happens to have your traditional 3-2-3 setup. For those of you who don't know that's three toilets, two urinals, and three sinks. Be sure to pay attention to the layout as well. Information like which stall is furthest from the door or which urinal is closest to the sinks may come in handy. Always be prepared is my mantra.

Another tip when scouting bathrooms is to test the toilets. You don't want to be counting on Ole' number three only to find out in mid dook that it doesn't flush. After surveying and testing the facilities, it's time to move on to step two.

edit Choose According to Need not Want

The most common mistake made by amateurs is to have a preset stall in mind. 90% of public restroom users use the stall furthest from the door when handling their business[2]. Hang on to your hats folks, because I'm about to blow your mind..... the furthest stall is not always the best! WOW! I really did just say that! Let whatever type of business you're handling determine which stall you head for. Let me break it down for you using our previously described 3-2-3 setup.

Bathroom Stalls

Your classic three stall setup

edit First Stall

The first stall is for emergencies. When you get hit with what I like to call the "Thunder From Down Under" the first stall is your best bet. Why? Because it's often the least used stall in a multi stall restroom. This guarantees us two things;

  • It's probably available and;
  • It's probably the cleanest stall which is important because you're not going to have time to disinfect before the assembly line starts rolling if you know what I mean.

The first stall also has the added bonus of almost never running out of Toilet paper. As almost anyone can tell you, reaching for a handful of two-ply and pulling back nothing but air is a horrible feeling.

edit Last Stall

The last stall is what I like to call the Angelina Jolie. Everybody wants a turn on it and, unfortunately, just about everyone has had one. This stall should be reserved for those instances where you know you're going to be spending some time handling your business. The last stall is excellent for those long, drawn out, fence post planting sessions. It's quiet, secluded, and usually has the best graffiti of all the stalls so you'll have something to keep you occupied. Funny story, that's actually how I met my first wife. Not as funny story, I have found that women who write their contact info on bathroom walls are not exactly the marrying type. But, I digress.

When choosing the last stall, you want to make sure you disinfect thoroughly. The last stall generally has more diseases than Courtney Love. There are typically enough crabs on the rim of toilet to open your own Red Lobster. Seriously, it's a death trap.

edit Middle Stall

The middle stall should be reserved exclusively reserved for "Extra Legal" activities. Let me paint a picture for you. So there you are just trying to do a line of coke in the bathroom, when all the sudden the cops bust in. Now if your in the first stall, your doors getting kicked open before you even know whats going on. The poor bastard in the last stall is pretty much
Shanty-town

This kid obviously failed to scout out his options ahead of time, now he is the subject of ridicule throughout his entire village

trapped unless he's fortunate enough to be in a bathroom with a window he can shimmy out of. But if you're in the middle stall, you hear the first stall get kicked in, have enough time to flush the product, and can shimmy under the stall walls in either direction to make your getaway. It's all in the planning folks!

The middle stall also works well for hookers, unless a handicap stall is available, but that's a whole separate article.

edit Disinfecting

Once you've determined which stall you're going to be using, its time to prep the course. Disinfecting is vital if you don't want your bits to turn black and fall off. Most restrooms offer a simple sanitary solution in the form of a disposable toilet seat cover. These are okay, but I found that the rough texture does not agree with my hind parts. I find the homemade seat cover to be a better option. A homemade cover is made by using sheets of TP draped around the seat.

In the event of a perfect storm, e.g.; no seat covers, limited supply of toilet paper, the hover method is acceptable to be used. This method should be reserved as a nuclear option only. I happen to know personally that some crabs can actually make the leap from a toilet seat to a hovering set of balls.

edit Silence is Golden

Whenever you are forced to conduct business in a public setting, silence is of the utmost importance.A noisy session can lead to some very awkward moments.

Forming an airtight seal between your cheeks and the toilet seat is the optimal method for ensuring silence. If you are too small to form a good seal with the seat, you want to try and time your sounds to various background noises. For instance, maybe you have a load that's going to take some heavy pushing to get delivered. Try to time your grunts with something louder in the background. It could be someone coughing, an automatic hand dryer, or even the bass beat of that crappy techno music that clubs sometimes blare into the restrooms. Your only limitation is your imagination on this one.

Not only are various bodily function noises discouraged, but a strict no talking policy should be enforced at all times. The only acceptable phrase during a bathroom encounter is "Hey". Any conversation beyond that is unacceptable.

Porta pot

Port-A-Pots are never an acceptable form of public restrooms

The only time it is acceptable to violate the code of silence listed above is when you are drunk. Intoxicated people are not only encouraged, but are required to draw the most attention possible to the fact that they are relieving themselves. This can be accomplished by saying things like "Oh boy! We got a fighter on our hands!" or "Jesus! I think I may have torn my sphincter!" or simply groaning loudly. It also never hurts to announce to all within ear shot that you are about to relieve yourself prior to actually entering the bathroom.

edit The importance of a courtesy flush

Courtesy flushing is a forgotten art form. The purpose of the courtesy flush is to spare others in the vicinity from having to suffer through the scent of your emissions. While the courtesy flush rule seems to contradict the rule of silence, this is an acceptable breech of etiquette in most cultures. Forcing others to sit through your stink will lead to much more awkward moments than violating the rule of silence ever will.

The proper way to perform a courtesy flush is one quick flush at as close to midpoint of the process as you can guesstimate. Most people tend to hover slightly while performing the courtesy flush in order to keep the back splash to a minimum.

edit Wrap Up

So now you should feel comfortable performing your doodys at any public setting. Just follow my simple formula and you'll be crapping with the best of them! I'm Guy LaDouche, reminding you "when nature calls, know your stalls!"

edit Notes

  1. At least two of them said that the change was for the better
  2. Totally made up stat that I just made up

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