HowTo talk:Have a Wacky Misadventure
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|Humour:||7||It's OK. But only OK. This can be a roller-coaster of laughs, but it's not yet. People will be able to relate their own experiences to the things you describe as well as remember films which cover the same subject matter.
I like how you break down the necessary things quite nicely, that's a good use of this style. I'm sure there are some other 'necessary people you need'. How about the older brother who pretends to be cool but is not really? Younger brother who tags along and you try to get rid off? What about the Nerd? I guess your covering him in the virgin section, but perhaps talking about Nerds might be better than virgins... What about the ridiculously hot chick who's there, but no one really bothers to notice her cos they are trying to get drunk? And the computer nerd who does the necessary hacking into the computers..
I think you could perhaps change the "A Crazy Party Guy" to be "The wise man" or maybe make a section for the wise man of it's own. The wise man is the guy who's done it all before and everyone looks up to. He's really the "jedi master" and the others are the Padawan learners if you get my drift. The wiseman guides the others through the experience, but does not stop them from making fools of themselves, cos that's the whole point.
I can tell you guys have seen Road Trip, but have you also seen Animal House? If not, you need to. Animal House is the classic which us old timers followed before Road Trip came along. Homework assignment for you two :Watch Animal House...
No reference to accidental bestiality? Well, there's always some of that on my normal wacky nights out I can tell you...
Setting things on fire?
I think you need more on 'experimental use of drugs' also.
I think your biggest problem generally is that the humour does not quite flow as the prose needs working on, see below.
|Concept:||9||It's a great idea. Lots of potential for you guys to make this into something really, really good. You have obviously taken your motivation from films like Road Trip and the Bill and Ted's series. Did you guys check that this idea has not been done before? If not you're definitely onto a good original idea, but I would put some effort in to make sure this concept has not been covered before, It could have been.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||What's with the different font? Your obviously trying to create a 'different' effect than the normal, but maybe try some different formatting styles rather than using code for everything. I'm not a fan of messing with fonts as you both know, so take my comments with the necessary pinch of salt, but to me using code just makes everything a bit hard to read, without adding to the effect.
To me it looks like you guys are talking in the first person generally, like it's a friend explaining it to you sitting in a bar or something. In places your language looks a bit too formal for me. There are a few places where you say "there is" when you could say "there's" and you have things like
There's gonna have to be some booze involved when you could have:
There's gonna be booze involved
But hea, I always tell people to stip out a lot of the unnecessary words, so there's nothing new in that. I think you can re-write almost all of the paragraphs and still say the same things creating the same effects using less words. That's always a good idea.
I think you guys need to make a decision as to whether you are writing this in the "formal serious" style, or the casual talking to a friend style. To me it looks like you're caught between the two. Do one or the other. Personally I think this would work best if you went the "really encyclopaedic" style and wrote using your most formal and perfect English, the contrast to the amusing content would work well, but hea, that's just my opinion. Whatever you do, go one way or the other. :)
There are a few grammar, and wording errors, but it's so new that I'm sure you have just not bothered to proof read it yet.
|Images:||5||I like the formula. Bet you stole that didn't ya! It's great if you did it yourself, but hea, it's good. How come the pictures are so small? They look kinda like they are just posted there without really much thought to me. Maybe make them a bit bigger? I'm also not a fan of putting all the images down the one side, it makes it look better if some are on the left, and some on the right I think. That's what you get in a real encyclopaedia and I think it makes the page look more attractive.
I'm not really happy with any of the pictures if I'm honest. I hope you don't think I'm being unfair with this it's just that I think this idea can be VFH and currently all these images are really just the 'standard' what you might expect. The shades? Maybe better if you had a picture of an example guy for each of the categories? The picture of the virgin? That was cajek right? Dam man, your going over the top with the random again. The jocks? Come now Fag. Any excuse eh?
OK, I'm being a bastard as usual, but the pics are not helping much, and just look like you put them in without too much thought. I think you can have each section be large enough to have it's own picture (for the necessary people anyway) and a good accompanying pic for each of these will help a lot.
|Final Score:||35||This can be a great VFH article in my view. It's a great idea with huge potential, but I think you possibly need to fundamentally rethink your strategy. Decide to either do the whole thing in the style of say "The wise man" talking you through the process, in which case make it less formal, or go with a more encyclopaedic style which will contrast well with subject matter.
Don't be too disheartened with my scores. I'm always a tight bastard as you both know. This just needs more work and I'm not interested in giving you good scores just to encourage you both. I know you both know what your doing enough to not need that, so I'm being as honest as I can for how it is now. This can be much, much better, and if I don't see this much improved and on VFH sometime soon your going to both get a nasty stare from MrN9000. :)
|Reviewer:||MrN 22:51, Dec 18|
Cool! Equation time! • <-> (Dec 18 / 15:33)
- and I mean really, extremely equation time. ~x FS