HowTo talk:Get into Heaven
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|Humour:||7||Okay, the humor in this is pretty good. There are a couple of rough patches, but they're easy fixes.
So the introduction (the one above the table of contents, not the one titled Introduction) is a bit brief. I would suggest you remove the section titled "Τhe terms of going to heaven" and meld it into the introduction. Because really, Τhe terms of going to heaven is also short, but if you were to mix them together it'll make a fine introduction.
So the first thing is the name of the first section (which is spelled Introduction by the way). I really don't think that name fits. The introduction is the part above the table of contents. You should probably rename it. Maybe something along the lines of "No more fun", "Cut the sex" or "Choose: Fun or Heaven".
Now, as for the humor in "Introduction", I love it. I will say though that some of the best jokes fall flat merely because of wording. Like the whole joke with meeting Jesus, Mary, Buddha and Allah, it was kind of an awkward sentence. I had to read it a couple of times in order to get the joke. I believe it would work better if it was worded something like this: "But in the end you will be able to meet Jesus, Mary, and all those other guys associated with Buddhism, Allahism and Christianity." Like I said, you don't have to use that exact wording, but it needs to be changed.
And then that whole "he went to hell too" thing was a bit confusing. It just seemed to go on and on. I would remove that joke if I were you, it wasn't that funny anyway.
Prepare: Er... It's pretty good. But I felt like it was missing something. Like the thing about not being burnt after death, I think you should tell the readers why. Not really sure what you would say, but it just needs something.
OK, you are now in heaven: Actually a pretty good wrap up. But I really didn't like when you said how it wasn't your problem after talking about how hard it is to find people in heaven. I just felt like it was your problem an you should've talked about it more. The same thing happens after you talk about how there are many things to do in heaven.
The only other problem I have is that the last section seems to come rater abruptly. I feel like there should be some kind of section in between the second to last and the last section.
|Concept:||9||Have you read HowTo:Go into the light? Same idea here, but yours has a different concept. As in yours seems to talk more casually, and is a bit sillier. Both concepts make for a good article. I find it really interesting that there are two articles that could theoretically be exactly the same, but are so different.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||I found a couple mistakes.
|Images:||8||The images are good, the only problem I have is that the caption on this:
Image is a bit awkward. And not overly funny. Maybe something like "Make sure you go the right way". Okay, that's actually pretty stupid, but you get what I'm trying to say, right?
|Miscellaneous:||7.75||Your score averaged.|
|Final Score:||38.75||This is actually a really great article. It needs some work, but I think it could be featured. Anyway, sorry this took me so long.|
|Reviewer:||-- 02:34, February 18, 2011 (UTC)|
2nd pee review
|Humour:||7.5||The intro is pretty good, I would not change much to it at all, the sticking your gum under your desk is hilarious! Maybe you could add another exampleof something that could get us to go to hell.
In the second section, the first time you refer to clevage is very funny, the second time is not that fun, because of the repetition I guess. Also, I don't get much the reference to politicians: 1.↑ Unless, of course, they are liberal politicians. It's not that funny I think and it also seems weird to have only one reference, I mean, if you gonna have references in an article, 3 or more would look better. There is also another repetition for the politician thing. You could replace that with something else, like "If I get lucky and stay good while managing not to pick my nose in public" or something like that. The "Allahism" made me LOL. Great idea!
Also, the Ned Flanders thing is great, it makes for a good surprise when unsuspecting readers browse over it. Nice idea, I'll make sure to steal it :P.
Next section: The did you know? is awesome. But the beginning of the paragraph, with the woman killing and such, just looks out of line. It looks like you didn't write this, or you wrote this in a hurry! You should really rewrite the first half of the opening paragraph, maybe keeping the idea that the woman will be in deep crap if she doesn't obey, but definitely rewrite the 2nd sentence: There are many ways for you to die ("You are faced with multiple choices of amusing ways to accomplish death" or something. The remainder of the section is very funny in my opinion. Born-again dentists? LOL.
Last section: the first paragraph could use anothe killer line like: she'll be happy to learn her grandson was gay! That was hilarious! Seriously this section is very good, I don't know much what to suggest... Maybe the second porn movie title could be religion-related like the first one?
Maybe you could also name some people who are in hell and what they are doing... But don't get rid of the: Look, your mom! sentence. So LOL.
|Concept:||8.5||This concept really has great potential, and I feel you have been living up to it. A few improvements and maybe cuts are all that would be needed so that it is a great one.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||The whole article is very well written, the only thing that is not helping are repetitions or use of easy words, like: go to heaven --> wind up in heaven, just small stuff like that that you could apply sparingly throughout the article. I personnally always have a synonym dictionary on another app when I write my articles. If you find a word is repetitive or are tired of using the verb "to be" give it a try.
I rewrote the first sentence of the "Prepare" section, it looked like it was not you who wrote the 1st half of that paragraph. I also made some other small touch-ups.
|Images:||9||There all great, so I'll just comment on the captions:
|Miscellaneous:||8.23||How about that?|
|Final Score:||41.23||Great article Mimo you are one impressive kid, I think this may well be featurable after you've done some changes, the place that will enhance the article the most is definitely the beginning of the "Prepare" section. Cheers to a good article, I'll nom it when you or we touch it up a bit. Waddya think?|
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 02:08, May 28, 2011 (UTC)|
Mattsnow 03:22, May 28, 2011 (UTC)