HowTo talk:Become an Old Age Pensioner
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edit From Pee Review
|Humour:||8||Nicely turned jokes.|
|Concept:||8||Good idea. For those in the USA, Bolivia, and Deception Island, let us know that an OAP is a pensioner 'cos we call them retirees.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Could use work here and there, mostly minor points involving sentence structure.|
|Images:||7||Nice appropriate pictures.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||I like this piece and would like it to succeed.|
|Reviewer:||----OEJ 14:31, 22 May 2007 (UTC)|
Endnotes: On style: The difficulty of getting readers to understand exactly what you mean to say is almost surreal. It's like climbing Mount Blanc in a February sleet storm by walking on your hands, blindfolded, whilst chained to an oil derrick, as wolves gnaw your face. I think it's like that.
The sentence "Hair colour should be grey/white if any" implies that the hair could have no colour, ie, be clear like glass. I think what you meant was "If you have any hair left, it should be either grey or white."
The first time I read "Looking for dead relatives is a nice pastime as you can see how the workers deal with it (do they tell you?)" I thought the joke was that the workers might tell you their techniques for dealing with confused old people ("do they tell you how they deal with it?"). The second time through I realized that what you probably meant "do they tell you your loved one has been dead for forty years?".
Little things, fiddly little tweaks. But they can be what determines a joke's success or failure.
One other thing I might mention: specific detail. Here's what I mean, demonstrated with toddlers instead of old people:
- A: One way a toddler can annoy his parents is by putting his food everywhere but into his mouth. This works especially well when the food is applied to electronics and pets.
- B: A toddler can annoy his parents by putting food everywhere but into his mouth. Mashed carrots go in the coffee maker, orange juice in the toaster, and strained peas should be applied like a poultice to the cat's head. Pack some into her ears, too.
To me version A tells about toddler mayhem, while version B shows toddler mayhem. Readers sometimes appreciate being shown things; it pleases our fickle, itchy little minds.
Anyway. This is a good concept, and a pretty good article. It would benefit from some revision. Every article does.
----OEJ 14:31, 22 May 2007 (UTC)