HowTo:Be an Emo
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“God... It's all my ####### parents fault, they just can't stand the thought of me actually happy... I wish I was Dead”
~ Every Emo I've Ever Met on Every subject I can think of
“God... You're the only one that understands me, of course I want to meet you”
~ Every Emo I've Ever Met on The random stranger/stalker in the chatroom
“Pathetic losers”
~ User:Forrest-HTX on EMOs in general
If you are reading this you obviously have no friends and you'll try anything to make some. Well look no further, being depressed and bitching about your parents is the easiest way to look cool. More than likely you are not depressed and do not hate your parents more than the average teenager, so this article will teach you to pretend.
Contents |
[edit] Self Harm
The easiest way to look depressed is to self-harm, and the coolest way to self-harm is to slit your wrists. The correct way to slit your wrists is shown to the left, while the method on the right should only be attempted under extreme circumstances, i.e. people stop thinking you're cool.
To maximize the effects of slitting your wrists, short-sleeved shirts should be worn at all times (unless the temperature is above 25˚Celsius, in which case a long-sleeved black shirts should be worn, preferably with the name and/or logo of an emo band.) to show the affected area,you must act like you don't want people to notice the scars/scratches (most likely scratches) while taking advantage of every available opportunity to show them off or bring them up in conversation (this requires a skill that can take days to master.) Remember, It's down the road, not across the street. Make it Count! Thats an easy way to remember how to do it!
[edit] Emo Fashion
Emo Fashion is complicated and can can be difficult to grasp for beginners: however, an emo wardrobe should consist of mainly the following:
- Black hoodies (preferably with band name/logo, to be worn in hot weather to show how non-conformist you are)
- Black t-shirts (preferably with band name/logo, to show off the cuts on your wrist)
- Black shoes/runners (don't have to be originally black, permanent marker is just as cool, preferably with mis-matching shoelaces, to show how non-conformist you are)
- Skinny Jeans (preferably black, though blue jeans will work with slight modifications, mainly rips, or band names written in permanent marker)
- Though the above are all you need, you can still wear whatever the "Popular Kids" are wearing, though they must be coloured black, or have band names written on them in permanent marker.
Your fringe should cover between ½ and ⅞ of your face at all times and be dyed black: if you cannot/are not allowed dye your hair, black permanent marker does the job perfectly. If you have trouble remembering how the emo hairstyle should look, buy a portrait of Hitler and hang it by your mirror. Use it as a guide when doing your hair.
Also, you can follow the teachings of Emo Philips, marry a bitch who plays the accordion, then divorce her when she becomes more emo than you.
[edit] Bitching
Bitching is, after self-harm, the coolest thing an emo can do. Bitching should mainly be focused on your parents, but if you are especially creative you may also bitch about your siblings and teachers. Making up wild stories all your own is even cooler but they absolutely must be traumatic and the source of all knowledge in the universe, which is why emos are so deep and misunderstood.
For the less creative emo, here is a list of the most common bitching, it should be noted that all of the following are about the emo's parents and all are in capital letters, to show that the emo is screaming loudly, feel free to take full credit for the following:
"YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME, I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU"
"I DON'T CARE IF I'M ONLY 12, WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT"
"I DON'T CARE IF WE'RE BOTH MALE, WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT"
"I DON'T CARE IF SHE/HE IS A DOG! SHE/HE UNDERSTANDS ME!
"BUT THIS IS HOW I LOOK! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CHANGE ME?"
"(teacher's name here) IS SUCH A RETARD!"
"(sibling's name here) IS SUCH A RETARD!"
"YOUR RULES ARE GAY!"
"I HATE MY LIFE, WHY WAS I BORN LIKE THIS?"
"YOUR FACE!"
"MR WINKLER IS GAY!!!1! I HOPE HE GETS AN STD!!!!!"
"I'M IN THE BUSINESS OF MISERY!"
"MY PARENTS DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL! I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN!"
"IF LIFE ISN'T FAIR THEN WHY CAN'T IT EVER BE UNFAIR IN MY FAVOR?"
"IF LIFE IS SO GOOD THEN WHY DO ROSES HAVE THORNS?!"
"GELLON!"
"SIGH!"
"no one understands me!"
[edit] Social Life
As an emo, your social life should mainly revolve around sending chain-mail on MySpace, but if for some reason you ever find yourself in a relationship (if you are truly emo you shouldn't even bother reading this) you should try and spend every waking hour (approximately 23.5 hours a day) with your partner. If for some reason you are unable to achieve this, you should spend every waking hour calling your partner on the telephone "just to say I love you".
If your partner ever express the need to "have some time alone" or "just hang out with some friends" you should ignore this. It is obviously a joke and you should show up unexpectedly and start making out with them immediately. Either that or you should try to manipulate them into feeling guilty about it. That is very emo. If you don't try to do this at all possible times you can't be emo. And if you're not emo, no one will love you.
Another vital instruction into making it as an emo is to send questionnaires to all your online friends, starting off with ordinary questions like "What is your least favourite vegetable?" and "What's your favourite primary colour", and then going slightly off-the-rails with "Have you ever seen a man naked?", then climax with "Would you f**k me?". It's amazing how much this garners attention.
[edit] Emo Music/Poetry
As an emo you are required to write poetry about Death, Suffering, loneliness, Vampires or Getting Dumped. The poetry should be repetitive. A good emo should be able to stretch out a 4-line poem to at least one A4 page.
Emo music is basically the same as emo poetry, but with guitars, basses, drums and, unfortunately, a public performance. Luckily all emo music sounds exactly the same to any non-emo, so after several minutes an immunity is developed: however, if it is your first time to an emo concert, one should bring an antidote to the music just in case the unexpected happens.
