HowTo:Wrongfully terminate an employee and not be at fault

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
You're Fired

Don't just do it like this, you got to be a bit more sneaky

Someone bugging you at work? Want to get rid of them in an amusing manner without any chance of getting into trouble yourself? If your answer to these questions is yes, or if you're just bored stupid with nothing else to read, this guide might be for you...

First of this is all about premeditating a stage. Take a short quiz to find out if this method is right for you. This short quiz will empower you to relate, and have confidence that somewhere out there on the on the WWW believes in you, because no one in the real world gives a shit.

  • Do you often feel as if you are the only one with this point of view?
  • Do you feel at times your employees think they are smarter then you?
  • Do you feel at times your employees think they are better then you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, or even if you answered no, you can unleash the true power to wrongfully terminate your employee. This is not your own insecurities, lack of confidence, or poor management you are experiencing. You're the boss and even if you are wrong, who cares? YOU are the boss. This method will teach you how to turn your insecurities and bad management into an environment which only allows you to succeed. It will enable you to look beyond peoples differences and truly embody the only way of doing business... YOUR WAY. Forget about civil rights and the freedom to pursue happiness - you want it your way or the highway. Follow your gut instinct, that feeling that other people's points of view makes you queasy. That is a powerful insecurity that will lead you to the successful implementation of oppressing the employees and getting the non-conforming ones out of the picture.

edit EVIDENCE OF PROVEN RESULTS

Fired

No, still not subtle enough...

This mindset and/or system has been proven in hundreds of state and federal courts as wrongful termination. This is a proven method which will every single time, 100% successfully scientifically work for managers who are conventional and do not wish to evolve.

Failure to implement any part of the system and/or allowing your employee to have any civil rights will result in innovation. Innovation will cause you to have to be creative and allow for real change. It will even lead to fulfilling work experiences, and long term employment. Something that must ultimately be avoid as they may get promoted and you may not be the oppressor boss any more. and you definitely do not need someone younger and brighter coming in between you and your dreams.

edit Step 1 (Get to know your enemy, I mean, employee)

The most successful way to find their weak points is to hold a meeting which you title "Creating New Policies - input and comments invited". Now, at this meeting, welcome everyone's opinions and (this will be hard) praise them for their "insightful" comments. To score bonus points, thank them for their "creative" input. To truly secure an environment free to speak tell them these policies are not for them, these are for future employees who may not be capable of doing such an excellent job as them. Make numerous brown nosing positive comments on their work. This will be hard for you to sit down and listen to, but it is essential. You goal here is to find out as much as possible about their desires, aspirations and ambitions in order to be able to set the "TRAP". In the latter steps this data base of info will be useful in creating policies which will eliminate the employees that are entirely too bright to work under your supervision. Don't forget, these smart alecs create problems and their use of creativity and problem solving skills undermines your management style and threatens your bread and butter.

edit Step 2 (creating the new polices)

Now that you know their weak points, DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY WANT! Examples that work:

  • They want flexible scheduling.... Require them to use vacation and sick time only to take time off. Do not allow these people the freedom to come and go as they please - even if it is not an essential function of the business to work the exact same hours every single day. Do not allow for any freedom to make this mutually beneficial. It must be beneficial to the boss and only the boss. Remember you do not care if they have outside obligations, such as, family or other personal pursuits. This is a conventional enslavement business model to keep the rich getting richer and the poor distracted.
  • Often in most states there are no written laws that pertain to how to structure your business. This means you can do what ever you want. However, the government may discourage certain practices because it does not promote a healthy flourishing successful work environment. Increased sick days and employee temperament is not your problem. That is just more evidence you can add to your unemployment response ,when they file a claim, as to why you fired them in the first place. That leads us to the next step....

edit Step 3 Self Affirmation Chanting

This step must be done in silence. Preferable in seclusion where no one can find out. Unless you are capable of doing it in public view without anyone knowing. Which for a narrow-minded prick uniquely qualified manager like you might be challenging. this is accomplished by repeating numerous times through out the day: "IT IS THEIR FAULT, NOT MINE" This type of chanting will make all the difference. It helps you take the responsibility off of you and place blame that responsibility where it belongs: anywhere else. This technique is used widely internationally for centuries. Religion is a the great mentor of this tech and we all know they are the be all and is all. Government is famous for utilization of this tech and if you can not trust your countries leadership who can you trust. Children as also well known for using it consistently to success. Anyone as innocent as children, and have had as much success as them in duping people must be on to something.

edit Step 4 Create an Environment of Fear

Baggins fright

They deserve it

Fear is also a tool utilized by the big powers of the world to get resistance people time to conform. Religion, government, and authority must be able to create and implement fear. I know it is hard for you to be creative, but this is one of the few tools that will take a little creativity. Many great examples are already interlaced into the community. You must find the right people for the job!!! This aids in Creating a sense of employee responsibility to the fear with be a bonus when implementing guilt. You probably already have many members of your team who will assist you freely one this one with absolutely no addition pay. Yes, I did indeed say no additional pay or promotion. They will take on this additional responsibility with passion, creativity, and enthusiasm at no additional cost. That's right and the others will follow this major internal marketing ploy like a HERD.

  • Look for the water cooler bunch. They will market your fury.
  • Other useful employees include the co-dependent bunch. These ones are the best, since they see themselves as the martyrs. In fact, they will do such a great job at stirring the pot, I mean, offering support. that it makes creating an environment of fear almost effortless for you.
  • upper management- This invisible force is the most powerful resource to utilize. Blame, I mean, responsibility may also be shifted on to these entities as means to create fear. Example "I have no idea why thy did that" It makes you look totally innocent.
  • The innocent bystanders. To you these are the sheep. They were to dumb to take a role in the above as your concerned and these are the ones you can oppress, I mean, The right candidates for the job.

Often this step is achieved by having consequence to policies(refer to step 2) that look like they are reasonable but are just enough to hang themselves with. Ultimately the successful and bright, I mean, undesirable employees and leaving the sheep to be herded, I mean, a team fit for your management style.

edit Step 5. Violating civil rights and getting away with it, (um, I mean, IMPLEMENTING THE NEW POLICIES)

There are many groups of people that are not covered by the humans rights department, under any sub category. That you can violate their rights, I mean, implement your system of beliefs.

Personal tools
projects