HowTo:Write a Featured Article
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“A Humorous quote from me always spices up an article”
Are you tired of endlessly writing article after article without one ever getting featured? Do you want to get your articles noticed by the Uncyclopedian public (even though they could care less anyway)? Well, now your troubles may be over*, because here's HowTo:Write a Featured Article. We'll give you the advice you need and how to make people laugh. But wait a sec, sonny! Be sure to read every bit of this article. Or else your life will have no meaning.
*Elimination of your troubles not guaranteed. If you have any complaints, keep them to yourself and we won't give you back your valuable time wasted.
edit Is a featured article right for you?
Getting a featured article is an amazing experience. It excites the writer and gives him or her a rush of adrenaline and a day or two of fame. The experience may even cause you to have to change your pants. But, be careful- Having a featured article just might not be the right thing for you. Here are some cautions that you may or may not want to take.
If you are prone to heart attack, nausea, diarreah, severe blood loss, premature ejaculation, hair loss, temporary blindness, seizures, stroke, dizziness, depression, heroin addiction, cheese addiction, passing out, exploding, binge drinking, hallucinating, paralysis, or cutting youself, or are nursing or pregnant, then having a featured article may not be for you. Please ask your doctor before writing a feature-worthy article on uncyclopedia if you suffer from any of these symptoms.
If you don't suffer from any of these symptoms, then good for you! Nobody Cares!
edit Mathematical Formula of Featured Articles
There is a very simple mathematical formula that is commonly used to find how a featured article is made.
For those of you that can't figure out simple math- You're screwed.
edit The Basics
Always include a humorous quote relating to the article's subject at the beginning. This will always catch the reader off guard and will make them want to read the rest of your article. It is often suggested that the quote is said by Oscar Wilde or some other widely quoted person.
Always include images in your article. It makes articles look less ugly and keeps the readers with Attention Deficit Disorder entertained. Use an image that doesn't pertain to the article's subject too, especially if it looks cool and not is poorly drawn. Then, to trick the reader into not thinking that it's used as a filler image, have a caption that somehow connects the image to the article. Also, be sure to actually make your caption funny, to keep the reader reading.
edit "Fad Jokes"/Cliches
Keep the use of "Fad Jokes" to a minimum. "Fad Jokes" or "Cliches" are overused jokes that people still find funny for some reason, no matter how many times this guy repeats them on World of Warcraft. So please, refrain from using Fad Jokes or Cliches as much as possible. Although it is acceptable to have at least one "cliche" in your article.
edit Abstract, Random Humor
Abstract Randomness is the key to making a funny article. Use over-exaggerated facts and randomness that still pretains to the article's subject. But don't take it far (For example, The incredible kumquat was abandoned by Clara Bow in Gilgal in the year Q and 1/2 with a kumquat and a kumquat in his kumquat!). Otherwise, it just becomes stupid.
See Also: Random Humor
edit Pop Culture References
These should be used occasionally, but not too much. If it suddenly sounds like a lame joke out of Entertainment Weekly, it's not funny.
edit Use Proper Grammar
“omg stfu u hom0!1”
no srsly d00d i herd that if u dont use the propar grammar in ur artikles it mite ev3n get deleatid!1! i no this cuz i got 1 of my artikles deleateiaded cuz it had the badd grammer
edit The Funny One-Liner
Steve Ballmer? More Like Beve Stallmer lol m i rite?
edit Don't make your article look ugly
edit A Really Long Ranting Section
Always have a really long section in your article the succeeds at being long and annoying, but still somewhat funny anyway. Also, be sure to include a useful amount of insanity. Yeah..... Oh, and this is supposed to be like, an example of a really long and annoying section. You don't have to read all of this. But you DO want useful information don't you? Yup. I thought so. Now then, let's have a nice talk over a hot-as-hell fire. Uh-huh. I agree with your statement, sir. That reminds me, maybe I should be writing this down. Where's my pencil? DAMMIT WHERE'S MY PENCIL! Oh, there's my pencil. Eh.... Nevermind, I don't think I need it anymore.
Gasp! A paragraph break! What are we gonna dow NOW!?!?!?!?!?!? That's what I thought. I'm hungry. And thirsy. Do you mind if I eat you limb from limb and drink your blood? Because that'll solve all of my problems. Oh, okay. No. I'm not. Hey, there's a kid on my lawn, I should go tell him to get off of it in a very mean and angry tone. HEY KID, GET OFF MY LAWN!!! Wait, it's just the gardeners. NEVERMIND, STAY ON MY LAWN! Darn kids. With their cellphones and their compu-majiggys. I remember back in the good ol' days when our pants were all the way up to here, and gas was just 5 cents a gallon! darn tootin'.
Oh, forget it, I'm tired of writing all of this pointless nonsense. If there's a lesson in this section, it's that you should never look back on "the good ol' days" halfway through your article. If you're gonna rant, then at least rant about something that's on subject.
edit The Section that looks really long, but isn't
MAKE A SECTION IN YOUR ARTICLE THAT APPEARS TO BE LONGER THAN USUAL TO THE TYPICAL READER.
IT REALLY WORKS!
Unless they're like, uber-smart or something like that
edit Avoiding factual information
This is the most important part of the article. The more factual information that you have in your article, the worse it is. We don't care if you like sounding like a pseudo-intullectual (woah, big word!) by putting truthiness in your article. It still sucks anyway. Remember this advice, and you shall succeed. Always remember that "real" stuff belongs in Wikipedia- Or the bearer of false information.
edit Generic "See Also" section
You should always include a "see also" section in your article. Include links relating to other articles that relate to your article. It'll expand the knowledge of the reader. That is, if they even bother to read past your first sentence. Here's an example of a "see also" section:
Well folks, there you have it. You know have all the
misinformation that you need on making a featured article. Hope you enjoy your failure.... I mean, success!