HowTo:Write a Country Song

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Are you an inbred, unemployed white male with only a third grade education? If so, you have what it takes to become a Country Music Superstar! But first, you'll need to learn how to write a Country Song. All you need is a pencil, some paper, a guitar, a few bottles of Malt Liquor and some straw to go in your mouth. You're on your way already! Now just follow these three easy steps and maybe, just maybe, you'll finally be able to make something of your sad, pathetic life.

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edit Step 1: Understanding Your Target Audience

In order to write a successful country song, you'll need to be in tune with your audience's values, likes and dislikes. Think like a redneck.

edit Step 2: Choose a Theme for Your Song

Now that you're thinking like a redneck, it's time to decide what your song is going to be about. There are five main themes that Country Songs deal with:

"My Woman Left Me!" is one of the most popular themes in country music. This is an easy theme for a hillbilly audience to identify with, since they too have trouble holding on to women, due in varying degrees to alcoholism, impotence, small penis size, and closet homosexuality. The lyrics should make it clear why it's not your fault that that damn woman left you, and why she'll be sorry later on. Misogyny in the lyrics are welcome, as the only women who will hear them are self-loathing lesbians and bikers.

Trucks are another common theme in country music. Lovingly describe the gun rack in the rear window, next to the confederate flag decal.

"I Got Drunk Last Night and Woke Up in Bed with My Cousin": This is how many of your fans were conceived. Any song that combines the fun of alcohol with the reckless abandon of incest is sure to be a hit. On the theme of alcohol, be sure that other songs on your debut album cover related themes, such as bar fights and drunk driving.

Jesus: A redneck's love for Jesus is second only to his love for hunting. Country listeners love Jesus because they will never amount to anything in their life and therefore need the hope of a heaven to somehow justify their pitiful existence.

Our Beloved President: There's nothing a country fan loves more than George W. Bush! Many rednecks have his most recent State of the Nation addresses playing from the VCR during their massive redneck orgies, by which so many future Republican voters are conceived. If your song praises George W. Bush, it will surely be a wild success. Never criticize the President! If you want to make a political statement, go write a poem at your local Starbucks, you Commie son of a bitch! You will be turned into the Dixie Chicks in no time.

edit Step 3: Write the Song

Once you have chosen a theme, write a song about that theme. Be sure to use lots of simple words. Don't use any big words like Abominable, delectable or funkadelic. Big words are for evil Democrats. Also, don't worry if the words don't rhyme. Rhyming is for queers. If your words don't fit the rhythm of the song, just add some random unrelated phrases and mumble a lot. Nobody will know the difference.

To create a rhythm, all you have to do is have a posse of drunken idiots behind you slapping their knees. Also be sure to add background sounds like glass breaking, dogs barking, and drunken swearing. Those all add to the ambiance.

edit Step 4: Enjoy

Congratulations! You have now written a country song! Now, go sit on your front porch with your guitar and a bottle of Jack Daniels and play for the passing pedestrians. You will be surprised how much change they flip your way.

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