HowTo:Write a Bad Uncyclopedia Article to Seem Cool
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“Go eat shit fuckers.”
Congratulations!!! You've just become a member of the Uncyclopedia community. Now that you've looked around some and submitted a few crappy DYK lines, you have come to the decision that you want to write an article. Hoo-ray.
The question is: How can you make your mark?
Oh sure, you could just be like everybody else and just start writing. However, everybody else on their first attempt usually just makes an average article. It's not good, but not bad, just like limbo. Have you ever BEEN in limbo, buddy? Boring as hell, that's what it is. Just watch the Family Guy episode where Brian gets addicted to cocaine.
You could try to write a great article, but why bother trying? Why should YOU have to conform to what all other users and their dogs consider to be "good writing" filled with "subtle humo(u)r?" And why should you write comedy that could potentially be called humo(u)r? You live in New York, not London! You shouldn't have to put up with that u shit!
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No. You have to be different and do something...hip. You have to rattle the system a bit, causing concern, distress, and constipation to the users of the Uncyclopedia community. You need to do something that will cause you to be remembered vividly.
YOU need to write a bad Uncyclopedia article to seem cool!!!
edit I. Choose a Base Subject
When choosing your base subject for writing, you want to make it a cool subject. Why would you write a bad article to seem cool by writing about a bad subject? Everybody knows you can't rebel against the system writing about "Quantum Physics." You want to shock people, not put them in a coma.
You need a subject most people know or can relate to. A United States President is always a good choice, though you must be careful which one you choose. Remember: no matter how you slice it, Franklin Pierce wasn't and isn't cool.
For this purpose, we'll choose Theodore Roosevelt. Bully!
edit II. Spice Up the Subject
While Roosevelt is certainly a great subject, he's still kinda...plain for these purposes. There have been hundreds (if not thousands) of articles simply about Theodore Roosevelt himself. Of course, EVERYBODY gets tired after reading (for the 1,322nd time) that he wore glasses and had Elvis Presley mutton chops for a long time.
In order to make a memorable article, you need to make him into something more...a zombie.
Don't look any further. Zombies always make everything cooler. In fact, to increase the coolness, make him a mutant zombie. Just imagine it:
Mutant Zombie Theodore Roosevelt... SO wicked awesome!
edit III. Give the Subject Special Powers
Of course, just saying he's a mutant zombie isn't good enough. Who would believe that a mutant zombie would go around talking about "Square Deals" all the time?
Time to give your subject some special powers.
For these purposes, we'll use two standard powers. First, we'll give the Rough Rider laser eyes to scare the holy crap out of his opponents. Secondly, we'll make him a massive baby eater. It isn't really a superpower, but it will certainly shock people.
It isn't enough to simply talk about these powers. You need a picture to show them off to the Uncyclopedia community. Therefore, you head off to the Google image search to find images of Roosevelt and a funny-looking baby to make the picture in your head come to life. You soon discover, however, that the only Theodore Roosevelt pic available without copyright is one somebody made with neon colors. Furthermore, you only have Microsoft Paint, so when you splice the pic, it turns the lasers and blood to magenta and makes the baby look radioactive. However, you get a cool idea.
You finish the pic, upload it to Uncyclopedia, and change the name slightly. To make sure everybody sees your cool creation, you put it in the center of the page (full size, of course) and give it a cool caption, giving you:
edit IV. Use Popular Movie Quotes in the Body
While you have your great idea and killer pic, it's important to remember that you still have quite a bit of body to insert. One of the musts for maximum coolness is to show your respect for those who have come before you. To do this, throw in quotes from some of the greatest films of all time. In this example, note the nods to George Lucas, Clark Gable, and Brad Pitt as Roosevelt talks to William Howard Taft during the election of 1912:
"...and just remember, Taft, that I don't give a damn what rule number one of presidential elections is, because if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine! BULLY!!!"
Cool and honorable. It's a perfect touch.
edit V. The Rest of the Body
However, there is more that must go into the body. Here are three of the basics:
- The subject must die, come back to life, and kill everybody. (Acutally, the minimum number of kills is 5,000, but everybody gives you more street cred.) If the subject doesn't die, then readers can't feel sympathy and understanding towards him as he decapitates everybody in sight.
- The subject MUST live for at least 1,000 years. (It's a rule! How can anybody understand how things are unless they have seen it all?)
- Penis jokes. Need I say more?
edit VI. Put It on Pee Review
Once you have completed writing your article, the next step is to display how cool it is by placing it on pee review.
After a couple of days on there, here is the review you get:
I RULZ!!!!-- Dan_Druff
|Humour:||3||How is this funny? This is nothing but shit!|
|Concept:||2||This is shit!|
|Prose and formatting:||1||This beith shit-eth!|
|Images:||10||Roosevelt with laser eyes is funny!|
|Miscellaneous:||1||The rest is shit, too!|
Once reading the review, immediately ignore the bad marks; they just show how jealous everybody is of your coolness. The fact that he loved your wickedly awesome pic shows, though, that he has some taste.
edit VII. Put It on VFH
Once the Pee Review is out of the way, it's time to share the greatness with the rest of Uncyclopedia. It's time to make your own entry for featured article.
Here it is, complete with some votes!
|Vote: MUTANT BABY-EATING RADIOACTIVE ZOMBIE THEODORE ROOSEVELT WITH LASER EYES||
Score: -4 Undead Presidents
|Nomination:||Dan_Druff 22:26, 8 July 2007 (UTC)|
|For Votes: 1||
|Against Votes: 5||
However, all the cowards who voted against it (since they're all sissys who live with their mothers) didn't sign their objections, so you are able to cross out these downers, leaving you with a score of +1. Those fools at Uncyclopedia take it off a few days later due to "lack of support," but that's just another way of saying they're scared of you. They can't deny the fact that they took off your entry WHILE IT HAD A POSITIVE SCORE!
Congratulations! YOU have totally rocked the system!!!
edit VIII. Article Gets Huffed
Hey...I didn't say it would last for all time, did I?