HowTo:Write A Rap Song
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Step One: Stealing Your Music
Remember now you're a rapper, so you have no musical ability whatsoever, you can't play an instrument and you can't sing in key, obviously in order to create a song you will need to steal someone elses hard work. Don't feel bad though, why should they be rewarded you're black and therefore you have been discriminated against you're entire life. So who cares, steal a song. But which song do you choose? This depends a lot on personal preferance, but make sure it's something you like because you're going to be looping six seconds of it to create a five minute song. Usually rock songs transfer well, pick a verse you like a steal it for yourself, now you're well on your way to becoming a rapper.
Step Two: Cliche Phrase
All rap songs are required to contain at least one trite or cliche saying to be repeated ad infinitum. Pretty much any saying can be transferred into a song, Poker face will work or Laffy Taffy, or In Da Club. The point is pick one that will work for you like Ring around the Rosie. Just adjust a few lines and you'll have your chorus, Ring around the dead nigger, shot him with a forty-five, asshole asshole, he stole my crack. There you go, that phrase has now been slightly altered and you will obviously top the charts.
Step Three: Vulgarity
Okay you're a rapper, you enjoy, "Fucking up bitches," and "Shitting on damn niggers." Without vulgarity most rap songs would only last ten seconds, so you'll need to make sure to add plenty of swear words or nasty phrases, also there are a few words that are required to be in every rap song, they are: Fuck, nigger, bitch(es), G-Unit, fly, club, bitch(es), ghetto, gangsta, bitch(es), pimp, and some deriviation of penis. Here is a sample line for your verse: Fuckin G-Unit stole my guerilla gansta, jack up a bitch in the back of the alley where the syringes fly like I'm da club owner champion fucking stealing shit from toast monsters in my bedroom closet Remember, competance is not a requirement, neither is a basic grasp of the English language, just throw together whatever you can find. The best rappers are the ones that flip to random dictionary pages and just take down different words.
Step Four: Making It Big
This is a difficult one, because since no one has any talent whatsoever, every rapper is literally on an even playing field meaning fame is just luck, if you become famous there's a good chance it was just because you lived near Dr. Dre, who tends to be under the impression that all young people with long shorts are astounding rapers. Yes rapers, but after that he'll make sure you're a rapper too, and you'll have been traumatized enough to write your first song.
Step Five: Looking The Part
The one thing that all rappers have in common is that they come from the ghetto, and they are all poor, tragic stories. To convey this it is crucial for them to wear loads of exspensive clothing and jewelry. All rappers are also misunderstood by the general population because there impossible upbringings in the suburbs of the disastrous country of the United States of America. Rappers also wear baggy shorts and shirts and like to carry guns because they've, "Seen some things man and some stuff." All rappers are also heroin addicts because drugs are the only things that can calm their hectic lifestyles of traveling from their Miami beachhouses to their Los Angeles mansions. The final key to looking the part is to degrade women. Make sure every woman you meet is classified as either a whore or a bitch because otherwise you will look like a poser who actually has emotions instead of just an uneducated black man.
The last key is to really just be aware of your audience. As a rapper your main audience will be poser high school kids from suburbia, who think that by listening to you they are somehow cool. None of them are even remotely exposed to any kind of racial diversity and they are usually all pussies, but they like to think they're hard so make sure you swear and use nigger a lot because they really like that.