HowTo:Win the PLS
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It happens to every Uncyclopedian eventually: as your contributions list grows, you feel more and more important. The things you do for the good of Uncyclopedia make you feel that you are growing more talented, respected, and needed in the community. Your desire to be recognized manifests itself in the featured articles; you would kill to have one of your creations appear on the Main Page for a day. Unfortunately, although you do reasonably well in Pee Review, down at the voter’s corner, your optimistic self-noms always get shot down miserably. It just seems like nobody hates your work enough to delete it, but nobody likes it enough to feature it. What’s a young n00b to do?
And then that one fateful day, you happen by the Main Page while browsing for ideas. And you see it. An enormous banner at the top, proudly displaying the words:
And as you read those words, you feel a change within yourself. Your very soul awakens and absorbs the words, and in a heartbeat you know the answer to all your problems. You know what you must do. If your moment of glory won’t come from VFH, then here’s your chance for salvation. It’s time to make a name for yourself. It’s time to win that Poo Lit Surprise.
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edit First Step: Self-clarification
If you’re going to enter (and try to win) the PLS, there are a few things you have to keep in mind. You will be competing against at least a dozen other writers, depending on which category you enter, all of which are better than you. Since the PLS is an Internet-based competition, offering bribes and/or taking steroids to enhance your performance will not help you. Also, the judges of the PLS are looking for informative, original, and clever work. If you don’t know what that is, then go here for examples of what it is, and here for an example of what it isn’t.
At this point, you’re probably wondering why you even bothered to enter in the first place. But don’t let this get you down! With a little creative genius and a steady hand at the keyboard, we guarantee that anyone can succeed at Uncyclopedia!
The PLS is essentially a contest to determine who can write the best stuff. The winner is awarded with twenty bucks- which is more than enough incentive for some two-bit n00b to enter- and a shiny template. Oh, and you get to be the absolute envy of everyone on the site. Just don’t brag too much in IRC, or we’ll eat your face.
If you win. If. You have to actually make something first.
edit Step Deuce: Writing the Article
Once you’re convinced that you know all about the PLS, inside and out, up and down, the next step is to write and submit your work. (Remember, create it at User:<insert name here>/Article here. The judges won’t like it if you create it in mainspace. And since they’re holding your hopes and dreams in the palms of their hands, you wouldn’t want to upset them enough to destroy you. The article will be suffocated in your farts and you may suffer a similar fate.)
A few heads-ups for your article:
- Follow The Holy Book to the letter. Believe me, it’s wiser than you are, so read it well.
- Images are a must, unless you’re writing some weird poem.
- Plz don’t rite like this, 0R 7|-|15, orrrrr thissssss. If you do, you’ll be laughed at and made into the next in-joke.
- Links are good. Links spice up an otherwise dull passage. An example is as follows:
Cellular differentiation is a concept from developmental biology describing the process by which cells acquire a "type". The morphology of a cell may change dramatically during differentiation, but the genetic material remains the same, with few exceptions.
Essentially, you'll just want to pour all the talent you possess into writing a gem. Once your article is complete, submit it to the PLS page. Assuming you’ve nervously completed your article days beforehand, your next move is to...
Five Three: Wait
Dum de dum...
edit Step 4: Wait more
/me whistles a tune
Well, while you’re waiting...
edit A few things NOT to do while waiting
- Don’t spam messages on the judges’ talk pages. This cannot be stressed enough. Nothing irritates a judge more than an attempt to imbalance the fair and democratic decision-making process they use to decide the winners.
- Don’t snap. Patience is a virtue, and collapsing under the pressure is not recommended. Refer here if you find the strain to be a bit too much.
- Don’t advertise your PLS entry in your signature. If you see something like this on your talk page, then you might want to fix your signature.
edit End of Judging
Well, this is it. The last day before the winners are announced. Remember, the most important thing is to stay calm. The anxiety is tough to deal with, yes, but it’s imperative that you remain in control. Do whatever you need to relax. Drink some herbal tea. Take a hot bath. Do aerobics. Masturbate. Rub yourself all over with a shaven chicken. Anything goes; the ends justify the means in this case.
You might also take note that your article, after the deadline for entry passed, has been fully protected. Remember, that only happens to the REALLY important stuff. So think about what you’ve created, and pat yourself on the back for making a contribution so significant that it warrants full protection!
edit And finally...
If your article, through some strange stroke of divine intervention, does win, well, congratulations! Your article gets moved into mainspace, featured, and unprotected, leaving it an open target for IPs, EDers, sockpuppets and other n00bs. Expect a few sleepless nights reverting “←Replaced page with 'to win the pls........you SUCK THE JUDGE’S DICK LOL'" and “←Replaced page with 'DIE JEW DIE'". But remember, you are superior. You won the contest. A
wiener winner is you.
If your article doesn’t win, take solace in the fact that you gave it your absolute best effort, and you did so legally, honestly, properly, and honorably. Good for you! And just because you lost the competition doesn’t mean your userspace article can’t become a mainspace article! Just move it yourself and let the entire world see what you’ve done. Of course, no one can guarantee that something won’t happen to it, but that’s the way the mop flops.
That’s all... until the next time!