HowTo:Win Lemaze

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This article is meant to help all those who think they are good drivers but know they aren't. It reveals the secrets you need to know to win the toughest race of them all: The 24 Hours of Lemaze. Here are some essentials for racing sucess...

edit A good car, obviously

Tescocarwhite

The Tesco Value Ferrari is one of the dominant cars at the race.

With the right car, even a lousy driver can take on the best. Well, almost. A good car usually has

  • A good power to weight ratio
  • An excessively huge engine
  • Superb acceleration
  • A Communist-like grip on the road

The Tesco Value Ferrari (above) is a good example of a car with these features. In the hands of drivers like Michael Schumacher and The Stig, it has proven itself by winning numerous Lemaze races, including four times in a row from 2001-2004.

edit A good choice of fuel

The best kind of fuel to use for the race has long been debated. Most cars run on regular petrol. However, some manufacturers prefer alternative fuels, like spit. Each fuel has its own pros and cons. Diesel, for example is known for its effiency but lacks oomph. Spit is easy to put into a car but lacks economy. The best balance of all the fuels is probably shit. It is readily available, fairly economical, environmentally friendly and can be mixed with other fuels in any proportion to meet a team's specific requirements.

edit Driving Technique

The best driving technique varies with the individual and how stupid he or she is. Some popular driving techniques include

  • Brake when you're supposed to accelerate
  • Accelerate when you're supposed to brake
  • Pee in your pants as you drive - it relaxes you a fair bit
  • Drive it like you stole it
  • Drink as you drive
  • Run around in circles and scream
  • AAAAAAAAA!

edit Proper equipment

A thoroughly comfortable racing seat helps. Many cars have bucket seats that hold them tight and never let go. This is so that when you die, at least you can die in comfort.

Exploding-head

Look at the mess made when you don't wear a helmet!

A light but tough helmet comes in handy when your head explodes from the immense G-forces you suffer when taking a corner. It ensures that the millions of tiny pieces of your head don't go flying all over the car and hit the gear knob or sterring wheel, causing the car to go bonkers. After all, the team can always hire another driver, but it will take so much time and money to make another car.

Fireproof racing jackets, of course, so that when if you catch fire, you can attract attention without causing too much concern.

Dancing shoes help you party properly after a glorius last place victory. They are also very slippery, allowing you to step on all the pedals at once.

edit A thorough knowledge of the track

Make the most of your practice sessions. Whether you are racing on a slow, winding track or a fast, drive-like-tomorrow-will-never-come track, you need to memorize the course extremely well, even better than you memorized your name. It is recommended that you walk the full length of the track, noting where to crash and where to use the brakes.

edit Talk to previous winners

... if they aren't too arrogant and snobbish. Ask them who they bribed, how much they bribed them, which performance enhancing drugs they took, in what amounts, and the like. Or you could just figure it out on your own, because they'll think you are from the media and trying to expose their secrets, when in actual fact, you are a driver and trying to expose their secrets.

edit In conclusion

Alas, young racer, it takes time before you can taste sucess. But don't give up. If you have wasted your time reading all of the above, remember this:

So go out there and knock those dictatorial German drivers off their podiums! Excelsior!

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