HowTo:Walk on Saturn without falling over
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Walking on Saturn is a dangerous business and certainly not for the faint-hearted. It has only been attempted twice, but both attempts were met with failure. However, scientists at NASA still believe the trick can be mastered. With sufficient time and a bit of practice, YOU could claim your place amongst those greats of Saturn walking.
The two prior attempts occurred in 2001. After many decades of careful and considered study of the possible benefits to mankind of space exploration, astronomers realised it was all a bit useless. Reluctant to let millions of tax dollars go to waste, the directors at NASA decided to spend it all on another Moon-walk. Public reaction, however, was boredom, so it was decided to try it on a different planet. The mission was only a partial success; one would-be Saturn-walker was killed by a psychopathic computer (pictured) and the other was swallowed up by a huge dark monolith. This needn't bother you though. You've got an advantage they didn't have, and it's in your hands right now. Not that, you pervert! Who reads whilst holding THAT anyway? I can see I've found the correct target market...
Getting to Saturn
Firstly, before you can walk on Saturn you may well need to get there. Recently, there was a mission in 2010 that was sent to Saturn to rescue the crew who attempted the first space-walk. However, half-way to Saturn there was a bit of a mix-up and the spacecraft that originally was sent out was found to be orbiting Jupiter instead. It transpired that the planet that the relief mission has always been travelling to was Jupiter, therefore of no help to anyone wanting to walk on Saturn.
The next predicted flight to Saturn is in 2046 as until then NASA will still be underfunded by the US government. This may be due to 54% of US taxpayers believing that NASA is a conspiracy invented by the FBI and that the Moon landings never occurred in the first place.
So, perhaps the best way to get to Saturn is to make a space rocket yourself. For this you will need a number of high-ranking international criminals (preferably Russian) who can sneak into the Russian rocket-housing facility in Siberia, steal a Soyuz rocket and bringing it back across the border. The only problem is trying to get it through passport control, but that is beyond the scope of this guide. If any difficulty should arise at this stage, the book "Passport Photograph Forgery for the Blind" might prove useful.
Once you have your rocket you will need some fuel. For some reason rocket fuel is quite hard to find and limited in supply, however this guide has a contact over in Belarus who may be able to help you acquire some. Send a blank cheque for £500000 to PO Box 14893 and we'll get back to you.
Finally find a wide open space, preferably in a country you don't particularly like, and build a mission control centre and launchpad. Employ lots of people to help in mission control and as ground crew and maybe even get a co-pilot for the rocket, probably someone who knows how to fly one of these rocket things.
Now follow the method below:
- Put rocket on launch pad.
- Put fuel in rocket.
- Light the string, with a match, that is linked to the engine of the rocket and quickly run back up the ladder to get on board.
- Count down: 10,9,8,7,6...
...by this time your rather peculiar activities you have carried out in the middle of a desert, far away from civilisation with a missile shaped object might have been noticed by MI6 and you may have been mistaken for an evil, mastermind, maniac baddie who wants to create a pure-breed of humans on Saturn and then return to Earth to wipe out the existing human race. If so, James Bond will parachute into mission control and blow a lot of what you spent ages stealing up. If not however then please ignore this bit...
Next use your SatNav (Saturn Navigation system) to direct you to Saturn. It may take a while to get to Saturn so don't forget to bring a packed lunch and a pack of cards.
Travelling to the surface of Saturn
This bit is the hardest part. Reaching the surface of Saturn requires a lot of skill, which you obviously don't have. Only two people have ever attempted it before. If it all goes wrong then you could find yourself falling flat on your face and smashing into Saturn's hard gaseous surface, a painful experience.
The first hazard of getting to the surface of Saturn is the belts around Saturn. These are solid rings of rock, that formed around Saturn 2.3 billion years ago. To be able to land on Saturn you have to get past the belts first. This guide's best advice for dealing with the belts is to jump over them in your space craft, as although the belts form a ring around the planet they do not encase the planet fully. If you do trip over these belts then don't worry as you are far away enough from Saturn to float back to your spaceship.
Secondly there are the strange black monoliths that orbit the planet waiting to form a new Sun in the place of Jupiter. This is where the original space-walkers on Saturn fell over and it cost them their lives. If you do trip over one of these monoliths then you are less likely to fall onto Saturn's surface but more likely to fall into the monolith, causing you to travel into a another dimension composed solely of one house, where you grow into an old man and then back into a baby again. Some people refer to this place as enlightenment but actually it is rather dark.
Got passed those obstacles yet? Good. Now to deal with Saturn's gaseous atmosphere. There are two problems to be encountered here:
Firstly there is the fact that Saturn contains poisonous gas clouds that are not safe to inhale. From this point onwards you are going to have to hold your breath as you dive into the clouds. Do not whatever you do, light a match in the atmosphere on Saturn as you could cause a mega fire.Saturn mostly comprises of hydrogen, which is really rather flammable.
Secondly, like Jupiter, Saturn also has many storms. These storms contain lightning. Even if the lightning doesn't hit you it may ignite the hydrogen causing problems like those explained above. So, please, whatever you do avoid storms on Saturn and tune into the local weather forecast to find out when the next one will strike.
An upshot of Saturn's composition is that there is a high concentration of Helium in the atmosphere. This means that, should you accidentally take a breath, in the few seconds before death you'll have an amusing squeaky voice. Shame no-one, including yourself, will hear it. Why? You're in space, you twat.
Walking on Saturn
Now you have reached Saturn. Be aware that you might feel under a lot of pressure here. This is natural for any first time space-walkers. You have boldly gone further than any man or woman has gone before. You are on the surface of Saturn, the final frontier of Human endeavour...and you need a pee. Unfortunately under UN law 53.4 section A you are not allowed to leave any human debris/waste on any other foreign planet, for fear of disrupting the birth of life on that planet. So I'm afraid you are going to have to hold that in. It is a long way back to the spaceship and you've come this far already.
Look around you, try to make sense of what you are seeing. As no one has ever got this far this guide is unable to help you, however, by using what we know from exploration of Mars we can presume there are rocks, craters and mountains. Or maybe not. Who knows?
Before you take your first step you might want to stand up. If you haven't already noticed then you just hit the surface with a constant velocity of about 3000 metres per second due to the pull of gravity, so you might be a bit dazed. It is important to survey the area with your eyes. Ask these sort of questions (in your head, not out loud as you can't breathe): "Am I going to keep balance if I lift my leg up?" "Am I about to take a step over a crater's edge and fall into the abyss below?" and "Where is the nearest KFC? I'm starving." Once you have asked those questions and maybe found suitable answers (maybe not) then please take a step forward
Taking a step forward is tricky as one can easily fall over (hence why this guide was written). Lift your left leg up to almost 90 degrees so that it is perpendicular to your body. Keep the other leg perfectly straight. Use your left arm to balance your leg and move it behind your back and then extend your right arm out at 45 degrees in the air to allow you to hold on to any dust particles flying past you for balance. Repeat this movement using alternate legs and arms to be able to walk around Saturn. Easy, see. Pick yourself up, that's the fifth time you've fallen over already. This guide realises that it is painful but the other option is to crawl around, which means you'll get Helium all over those shiny new space trousers.
If you see any crags or rocks lying on the ground be sure to avoid them as they could trip you up and you will fall over again. Once you can actually walk on the surface then please read the next section.
Be honest with yourself, you're only doing this for the shiny certificate you will receive at the end. Now that you have mastered the art of walking on Saturn. Here it is:
Getting back home again
Ah, yes, good point raised there. Gosh, is that how much memory space this guide has used up with this article. This guide really needs to stop wasting the memory and finish the article. Well done! You've realised you are out of rocket fuel and now don't have any to get off the surface of Saturn. If you jump high enough you should be able to float off. Just avoid all those obstacles the guide mentioned earlier and some others, but no time to tell you them now. Good luck!