HowTo:Walk

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John Howard Glasses

John Howard, a known walker.

For those of you who have somehow garnered the knowledge that allows you to process highly-complicated behaviours like accessing web pages, but have not yet picked up a basic skill like walking, here is a handy guide for you. See those things below your hips? Yeah? Well, they actually have a use.

edit Why Must I Walk

Well its pretty obvious silly boy! Walking helps you get to Your mom's house so you can get sex! And Everyone wants sex so if you want sex, you should learn to walk! Also, walking is supposed to keep your body energetic and a good body temperature but nobody cares about that.

edit The Math Formula

First of all you need to know the formula for walking before you do ANYTHING. THe math formula keeps you moving. If the dog ddnt know how to walk it would be able to drag you wherever you go since you are too stupid to know how to walk and your a fully grown man. The Formula;

(ab + [(a + b)2 - (a - b)2]/4)x(ab = [(a + b)2 - a2 - b2]/2 )x((ax/b)3 + (ax/b)2 = ca2/b3)=y(a - b)2]/4)x(ab = [(a + b)

If you do not know the formula, you will not be able to walk.

edit Materials Required

  • Legs
  • Feet (If you were born without these your Fucked)
  • Ground (The Most Dificult to Find)
  • Assistance (as in someone with you in case you fall over)

edit Suggestions before walking

As everyone suggests, dont drink and walk for if you do you will fall on your face and everyone will laugh at you for being such an idiot. Also, Huffing Kittens is a bad idea if you are learning how to walk; especially if you huffed an orange one, the fuck you up the most.


edit Method

edit Step One

  • Firmly place one foot on the ground. It doesn't matter which. Those unsure should start with both.

edit Step Two

  • Place the remaining foot in front of the first foot. Unless you used both feet for your first step then we people at uncyclopedia make fun of you for being such a loser.

edit Step Three

  • Place the first foot in front of the remaining foot. Unless you tried using both feet again. Then you have learned the amazing talent of jumping!

edit Step Four

  • Repeat.
  • By "repeat", I mean steps two and three.
  • Because if you kept repeating the third step, you would be getting nowhere and you would look pretty damn funny dragging your foot across the road.
  • Except a hospital for treatment for a torn ligament.

edit Variants

For those looking to spice their walking style up a bit;

  • You could powerwalk; powerwalking is an extreme type of walking. This is the same method as walking but doing it a bit faster (please take note that beginners of walking shouldn't attempt powerwalking until they are professional at normal walking.)
  • You could jog; jogging is similar to powerwalking, but gives the impression to others that the person jogging is actually running in slow motion. (please take note that beginners of walking shouldn't attempt jogging until they are professional at normal walking.)
  • If you are perhaps a female then you should learn the idea of baywatch running. The sexy way of jumping and running and showing off your marvelous breasts, yes like that! Keep going o yea baby you cant stop cant you.
  • You could run; running is an extreme type of jogging and involves the same technique as normal walking, powerwalking and jogging but even faster than all those. (please take note that beginners of walking shouldn't attempt running until they are professional at normal walking.)
  • You could sprint; sprinting is a very extreme form of walking and can be quite dangerous if correct care is not taken whilst one is doing it. Sprinting is the same as walking, powerwalking, jogging and running but is a lot faster. To sprint, just walk, powerwalk, jog or run and then imagine Michael Jackson chasing you. Once you have imagined this, look down at your legs and feet and you will find that you are putting your legs in front of each other so quickly that they are a blur; you are now sprinting. (please take note that beginners of walking shouldn't attempt sprinting until they are professional at every other types of walking.)

edit Notes

Try to avoid the forces of evil that will do everything in their power to thwart your noble bipedal movements, such as:

  • Walls
  • Spikes
  • Water powered buses
  • little people; e.g. toddlers, dwarfs
  • glass; take extra care not to walk into glass. Spotting glass can be hard as it is transparent.
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