HowTo:Wake up from a bad reality
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.|
| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
edit Reality sucks
You are stuck in a dead-end, minimum wage job, or unemployed. Your rent and utilities are due, bill collectors have been calling you all day, and you don't know how you will pay the bills on time. Your boyfriend or girlfriend left you last week and it looks like he/she isn't coming back. You are fat and you don't expect to meet anybody new anytime soon. Your credit cards are almost all maxed. Your pet died yesterday. A pile of dishes sits in your sink, and a pile of laundry sits in your bedroom, but you have no energy to finish the job. Nobody else will do it for you since your roommate also moved out last week, and you don't live with your parents. Embarrassing pictures of you have been posted on the internet, limiting your social life, your love life, and your future job prospects. Worst of all, your toilet is clogged, and you misplaced the plunger.
edit Make sure you aren't having a nightmare
You could simply be having a weird dream. One clue that you might be having a dream is the presence of purple Zebras, vampires, zombies, flying pigs, fireball-shooting plants, or pink elephants. If you see one of these, you are probably only dreaming, and all you have to do is to wake up from the dream. Try these tips to wake up from an ordinary dream. First, take a cold shower. If that fails, then pour a bucket of ice down your pants. Should you not have a bucket of ice at your disposal, then pinch yourself.
Should you not be able to pinch yourself, look at your hands. If they are pixelated, immediately jump into the nearest hole; this will usually end your game and therefore your dream. If it does not end your game, and you find yourself at some kind of spooky fair, look above your head to see if you can see a diamond shaped thing hovering above your head. If you spot this thing above your head, try cooking something on a stove, or repairing something, or check out this article for further ideas on how to end your game and therefore the dream.
edit Whatever you do, don't go to sleep!
Should you go to sleep to escape your reality, you will only wake up to find your reality has gotten even worse. For instance, you may wake up to find yourself in a cauldron, surrounded by cannibalistic clowns. For the same reason, you should not get drunk to escape your reality either - clowns love alcohol-marinated meat. Or, you may wake up with a really bad hangover, to find the gremlins that inhabit your house have raided your refrigerator, tangled your hair, misplaced your remote and/or cell phone, and drained your car's battery, and turned off your alarm clock. Or you may wake up to one of the scenarios below (see "it could be worse" below), and you'll have to follow the steps above all over again.
edit Play the "it could be worse" game
Try to adjust to your reality. It can't be so bad and eventually you'll wake up if you wait this thing out. You could be blind. You could be homeless. You could be fighting a war in the Middle East against crazy jihadists. You could be a paraplegic. You could be failing high school or being beat up by bullies daily. You could be sleeping on a bed of nails, or walking over live hot coals. You could be retarded. Your house could have been destroyed by an earthquake, wildfire, tornado or hurricane. You could have cancer or AIDS. You could be deaf. You could have a bad case of hives or an STD. You could have dentures and arthritis. You could even be stuck listening to your little sister's Jonas Brothers, Hansen, or Justin Bieber records for hours at a time. There, now don't you feel better?
edit See a shrink
Maybe the problem is all in your head. To fix this problem, you should see a specialist. This specialist will tell you that you are depressed and prescribe you medication. When he asks you if you want the red pill or the blue pill, always take the blue pill.
edit Try to do something impossible
Here are some ideas to try: Levitate yourself and/or objects, read minds, play origami with buildings, learn to fly, or create objects out of thin air. Should you succeed, you will either wake up immediately, be beaten up by dream characters or have a new profession! Should you fail, go on to the next step.
edit Go to rehab
Check yourself into rehab, or a psych ward. Enjoy time spent coloring, playing pool, console games, and/or playing jigsaw puzzles. Psych ward has the added benefit of electroshock therapy. If electroshock therapy doesn't wake you up, nothing will. Alternatively, when you check out, you will also have the added benefit of another bill to pay, along with its accompanying set of collectors. Repeat the steps above as needed.