HowTo:Use a Toothpick

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Toothpicks are considered one of the greatest leaps in human technology. It is amazing how many uses a pointy stick thing can have. Here are a few of them.

edit Quick Toothpick History

edit Early History

The toothpick is known to predate the arrival of modern beavers. Beavers used toothpicks not to pick their teeth but to slay their victims. Groundhogs were also seen to use toothpicks to predict the coming of spring by inserting the toothpick into their left nostril and or ovary. It is yet to be understood how they actually predicted the coming of spring by doing so.

edit Using a Toothpick To Pick Your Teeth

edit Step 1: Find a Toothpick

Hold the end that is not pointy as the pointy end goes inside the mouth.
Toothpick guy

This is a professional toothpicker with a toothpick.

edit Step 2: Locate the unwanted object stuck in the teeth.

Unwanted objects can be anything in the mouth that you do not want. Some good examples are:

  1. Teeth
  2. Bits of food
  3. A dead animal
  4. The remains of the dodgy Kebab from last night
  5. Anything from McDonalds
  6. A Hotdog
  7. A Used Condom
  8. Vegetables
  9. An atlas (You tell me how it got there)
  10. Phone (much easier when not vibrating/ringing)
  11. Hillary Clinton
  12. Family Members

These objects are only classed as unwanted when the person in possession of them does not want them. If you want these things in your mouth, feel free to keep them there. Use a mirror if you lack experience. The purpose of a toothpick is to pick one's teeth, it was designed for this, so don't think that you are abusing the toothpick.

edit Step 3: Dislodge the unwanted object from between the teeth

Do it slowly and gently, push too hard, and the toothpick buries itself in your gum. Pushing too hard and loosening your grip has the same effect as throwing the fucking stick down your throat. Avoid this unless you are an Emo.

edit Step 4: Dispose of the used toothpick

Good places to leave a used toothpick are:

  1. Up your anal area.
  2. Up your nose.
  3. Up someone else's nose or anal area.
  4. In a half-eaten box of chocolates.
  5. In a cake.

Or anywhere else where it will not be seen or remarked upon.

edit Using a Toothpick to Pick Your Nose


This lady missed.

edit Step 1: Find a toothpick

Find it, hold the (blunt) end, stroke it a few times, and stare at it for a few seconds.

edit Step 2: Insert it into your nose

You don't need a particular type of nose for this. What you do need is to let go of any fears you might have about this process. There is only a tiny chance that you might get a nosebleed when picking your nose. Unless you're using a professional javelin toothpick, then there is a very large chance of you ripping your nose open when inserting the toothpick. In fact, if you push hard enough, you could shove the toothpick through your brain and out of the other side of your skull. But you are not using a professional toothpick, you are using a regular toothpick. So don't fear the toothpick, make the toothpick fear YOU!

edit Step 3: Find the unwanted material

Shake the toothpick around until you feel it hit the object you want removed. Then you...

edit Step 3: Impale the unwanted material

Just shove the toothpick through the thing. Don't push too hard, or you'll pierce the flesh on the other side of the material, thus causing a nosebleed. And we don't want that, do we? DO WE?!

edit Step 4: Pull the material out

Make sure you've only got the material that you want out. You really do not want to rip half your nose out from the inside. There would be a lot of blood... However, if you're an unemployed idiot with no career prospects, and absolutely no income, I suggest you push the fucking stick in as far as you can.

edit Unorthodox Uses for Toothpicks

The uses of the toothpick are not just restricted to picking things out of various places. They can be used for many things, scratching an eyeball, for example. In fact, as long as the user of the toothpick is still breathing, the possibilities are potentially endless (When the user stops breathing, they are dead and are of no real use to anyone, thus incapable of using the toothpick). Some of the many uses are:

  1. A computer can be made of toothpicks.
  2. A suitable substitute for a pick-axe - miners tend to carry at least one.
  3. Many armies across the globe are using the toothpick as a revolutionary multi-purpose weapon.

    A British soldier using a toothpick to reclaim a military base from the Taliban

  4. Toothpicks can be used as a primary building material for bridges, houses, tunnels, proppelers, skyscrapers and beds
  5. As mentioned above, the toothpick can be called upon to scratch the eyes of the user, or anyone else.
  6. A dildo for the tight vaginas of female teens.
  7. A dildo to be pushed into the penis - homosexual men do not reccomend it to the public as toothpicks can splinter or get stuck.
  8. A Back-scratcher
  9. Replacements for bones within the body.
  10. Mini kebab sticks.
  11. Chopsticks and other cutlery can be replaced by toothpicks.
  12. Firewood.
  13. Makeshift tails for humans can be manufactured from toothpicks.
  14. Scraping the scum from underneath one's toe- or fingernails.
  15. A flag pole.
  16. The Olympic torch can be rebuilt from toothpicks or be replaced by a single toothpick.
  17. The Ultimate Safety Match! So safe it eliminates the risk of burning your house down (probably because it's a toothpick that has none of that stuff that's on the end of real matches, so it doesn't actually catch fire).
  18. A fire-proof vest can be made of toothpicks. (Note: may catch fire as it's made of toothpicks)
  19. A pencil that writes invisible messages - so good that you could swear that it didn't make a mark!
  20. A great signalling device
  21. An anti-theft device
  22. Shoes
  23. An aphrodisiac
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