HowTo:Turn your computer into a paperweight

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Sometimes you just feel angry. More often, however, you feel angry at something specific, like your computer. So angry, in fact, that you want to throw it out your window. This is unproductive and, frankly, the work of a complete and utter moron. Instead, why not put your computer to a more productive use—say, as a paperweight?

edit Hard drive paperweighting


The proper way to destroy a hard drive.

The easiest and most obvious technique to accomplish this is to "brick" your computer, that is, to cover it in mortar and attach it to several other similar computers in an alternating stack. If you do not want to do this, however, you will have to take a slightly different approach. Specifically, you will want to destroy your hard drive, or, in the vernacular, fucking slam it. There are multiple ways of doing this.

edit Method 1

  1. If it is a MAC, turn it on. For other equivalent systems, turn it off.
  2. You now have either a $3000 paperweight, or a $1200 paperweight.

edit Method 2

  1. Using gparted, blank your hard drive.
  2. Lose your OS installation disk.
  3. Discover that the neighbor's CD drive is broken.
  4. Not that it would matter, since he doesn't know how to turn on his computer anyway.

edit Method 3

  1. Open up your computer's case.
  2. Find the connection between your hard drive and your motherboard.
  3. Using all of your might, rip it out of its socket.
  4. Jump up and down on it like a child who hasn't taken his Ritalin.
  5. Call tech support.

edit Method 4

  1. Find a large iron rod.
  2. Wrap a piece of copper wire around it.
  3. Run an electrical current through it, thus producing a powerful magnetic field.
  4. Place the magnet right next to the computer's case.
  5. Using gparted, blank your hard drive.

edit Method 5

  1. Disable any anti-virus software installed on the computer.
  2. Carelessly surf the internet for hours going to sites and downloading any files you come across.
  3. Just to be safe, use a tool like RegEdit to make 'improvements' to your computer. Dont worry about what you change, go for quantity not quality.
  4. ????
  5. Profit!

edit Method 6

  1. Put a can of soda in the CD slot.
  2. Unplug.
  3. pour a whole bag of flour in the fan.
  4. Tip it over, allowing the soda to seep into the computer.
  5. Kick it, plug it in and turn it on.

edit Method 7

  1. Install Unity onto your computer.

edit Other methods of paperweighting

These are not the only ways you can void your warranty eliminate the hassle from your life. Think outside the box. Get creative. Here are some suggestions for paperweighting your computer:

  • Using a screwdriver, pry out the CMOS battery while the computer is running.
  • Set its clock to January 20, 2038.
  • Pour sugar into its gas tank.
  • Rub Kerosene, HIV, and Magnetite on the Hard Drive during a brownout.
  • Remove all chairs from a room. Place the case in the center of the room. Add Rosie O'Donnel. Wait for the fun.
  • If you work in a tall building, open a window with you computer and drop it out the window, repeat until your work is satisfying.
  • Take computer; place in a refractory container in a furnace; allow to melt; pour into mould; allow to cool. Release from mould, and season to taste. As the French say, Viola! You have a paperweight (or a pansy-like plant..).
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