HowTo:Turn Your Terminator On
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“See! This is why I'm still single. It's because all the fine robot sisters are dating humans. You got metal fever, boy! Metal fever!”
Are you being pursued by a mechanised killing machine from the future who absolutely will not stop until you are dead? Did you notice a glint in their eye, and think that maybe they're up for a bit of slap and tickle? If so, this is the guide for you...
Turning on a robot out to kill you is no easy task. Turning on a computer is one thing; with so many erogenous zones such as com ports, network interfaces, and expansion slots, simple acts of affection like installing the latest service pack, or performing a defrag of the hard drive usually does the trick. Getting your terminator sexually aroused however is something completely different.
Why Terminators Are Hard To Turn On
John Connor, author of the best selling guide HowTo: Get into your Terminator's pants, has endured long-standing love/hate relationships with many Terminators during several movies and is now considered to be a world authority on dating homicidal cyborgs from the future: "The first thing you have to remember is that these things are not just computers: they're big ol' robots." Mr. Connor now owns a non-metal car dealership in Southern California. "It's true, I have experienced a few special moments with them, but mostly they have found it very difficult reaching out to me."
Even though terminators are basically big computers with legs and guns, they are far, FAR more difficult to turn on. Unless you're talking about actually turning them on, in which case, just flick the huge "ON" switch on their foreheads.
The Safe Method
Safe sex with a terminator, although it goes against their programming, can be accomplished. Terminators may be hard on the outside, but they're soft on the inside. ...no wait -- they may be hard on the outside and inside, but they have a heart of gold. Literally. There is a human heart inside each of them that's painted gold.
What this means is that in the middle of killing you, the terminator has to see your human side. They have to become interested in you, and not just your death. Make sure that, when the terminator finds you, the atmosphere is perfect. The lighting should be soothing, industrial techno will play softly in the background, and fresh rose petals should cover your bed. This won't guarantee that you'll live, but you'll at least die comfortably. Unless you hate industrial techno, in which case you're screwed.
The Slightly Unsafe Method
Terminators are easily bored. If you aren't an interesting human, the terminator may even stop chasing you. You don't want that. No, you don't. No, shut up, you don't. To keep the terminator (or terminatrix, if you're in to that sort of thing) interested, make sure they know that you like being chased. In Terminator 2, a movie about the future, the past, and the present, the liquid-based T-1000 was confounded when a young John Connor laid bare his feelings for the robot:
- J: T-1000?
I have waited a long time for this.
- J: Me too. Are you tired of chasing me?
No John. The chase was just as important as the meeting itself.
- J: I'm glad you feel that way. But I'm even more glad that we're together.
- [Connor starts to disrobe]
Whoa whoa whoa, what the fuck are you doing???
- J: I... I just thought that...
John, it's too soon for me to be in ANY kind of relationship after what happened last week. I just got out of a bad relationship with a T-1001. She thought I was too obsolete for her. Besides, I'm only interested in females. What's WRONG with you, anyway? This is unChristian!
- [Connor laughs nervously]
- J: Hahaha, I was, uh, just testing you!
- J: Yeah, it was just a test of our friendship and you passed! You passed with flying colors!
Dude, I wasn't sent through time to have sex with you.
- J: You weren't? Holy Christ, I had this ALL wrong.
- [Connor looks at the T-1000]
- J: Well then who were you sent back in time to have sex with?
The Incredibly Risky Method
When having risky sex with your personal terminator, be sure to be completely unprotected. Make sure the dirty apartment that you and the terminator have rented is zoned for shooting, cuz boy, you're gonna have lots of bullets bein' shot. Oh, and saws. And screaming for mercy. You will be screaming for mercy. I hope you like surprise sex, cuz that robot is gonna hide and wait for you to come home before it... well, you'll find out soon enough. If you are the one with the proper equipment, you had better satisfy that terminatrix. Seriously: It has a sex monitor on its chest. Invest in viagra or a steel wing-wang.
For the most exciting sex with terminators, be sure to scream in their "ears" during sex. Scream some kind of obscenities. That'll make them very fucking angry. ...and somewhat intrigued!
Having sex with a terminator is an experience sought after by many sexual thrill seekers who threaten the existence of Skynet. Most people go through their entire lives without experiencing this sensation, but those who do very seldom go back to having sex with computers.
"Terminators are wild," Mr. Connor said in his book, "Terminate Me". "They can only resist human charisma for so long before they just break down. They just break down onto their knees, crying. It's pathetic." Mr. Connor warned against sex with the terminators that can change shape, such as the T-1000 and the T-X. He strongly warned against it (unless you're into that sort of thing).
Safe Terminator SexMost humans have had some kind of sexual encounters with computers. Only a very few humans have even had the opportunity to have sex with terminators, let alone actually have sex with them. That's because everyone forgets the main function of a terminator:
Once your terminator decides you're too sexy to kill, make sure that you don't disappoint. Try to be provocative, yet subtle. Dressing up is always an entertaining way to start the evening, and kinky is OK, but don't overdo it. If possible, have a few drinks before hand, and make sure that everything is well oiled, and lubricated.
Terminator Porn: A Future Alternative
In his top shelf magazine "Terminal Flapping" John Connor writes "What. A. Rush. It was about the time that we had her converted into a chess game that I began to seriously consider relations with her. She was squeaking and hollering for me to get off, but some of those pieces just felt so comfortable. I know she liked it..." John Connor and Skynet are now married, and live with their two children in Long Beach, California.