| HowTo |
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Turning on a computer is no easy task. Turning on a human being is one thing; humans are easily aroused. Simply making out usually does the trick. But getting your computer sexually aroused is something completely different. It takes a tremendous amount of time, effort, concentration, commitment, and in some cases, blood.
Why computers are hard to turn on
Micheal Lubricant, an expert at turning on electronic equipment, has written several books about the tremendous difficulty of getting computers aroused. "Computers have easy access to the internet, he says, "so whenever they get horny, they can simply look up some pornography and that satisfies them. The tremendous amount of hardcore sexual material stored within a computer is just one of the many things that makes it much harder to arouse then, say, a toothpaste tube or a light switch."
Sexual Preferences of computers
Most computers are inherently bisexual. However, there is some difference in which gender some computers seem to prefer. A recent study found that most laptops, especially Macintosh ones, are more feminine, therefore men have an easier time getting laptops turned on than women do. However, most Windows computers, especially Windows Vista, are more easily aroused by women, especially lesbian women. However, regardless of your gender, you are bound to have to work very hard to get your computer turned on. It will take several days to get your computer even remotely interested in you. There are records of people taking weeks, and still being rejected by their computers. In one instance, an incredibly attractive woman gave her computer a lapdance for an entire month, and at the end of the one-month lapdance she got no reward other than an error message saying "this computer is not responding."
There are many different methods that can be used to get your computer aroused. However, be warned that the ones that take the least time are often the ones that involve disturbing or degrading fetishes that will most likely leave you scarred for life.
The Safe Method
The safest way to arouse a computer is to gently stroke the keyboard in a circular pattern, while pressing the mouse of the computer against your crotch and rubbing it rythmically, running your tongue up and down the computer screen as you do this. It usually takes from five to six weeks to get any sexual response from your computer using this method, which makes it very unpopular among some people. "It's just too softcore." says Micheal Lubricant on the subject, "computers are into kinkier, more creative stuff than this. I mean, I'm sure this method would work fine on a bookcase or a TV even, but computers are too dirty to be aroused by this generic stuff. This might have worked on a 1992 IBM, but today's machines just aren't into this stuff anymore. You have to take risks if you want to score with your computer."
The Slightly Unsafe Method
Computers want unconventional stuff in their sex lives. It takes a lot of creativity to get a computer turned on in this day and age. Computers are really into the spaces in between the toes, the armpits, and other bodily crevices that are normally left unexplored. A more reliable method to get your computer aroused is to blindfold yourself, cover yourself in vaseline, then rub the computer's mouse all over your body. This is the method most commonly used by people who wish to have sex with their computers. This is because this method doesn't take as long as the Safe Method, and doesn't involve needles like the Incredibly Risky Method.
The Incredibly Risky Method
The only sure-fire way to turn on a computer is to use this method, but most people are unable to bring themselves to do it, since it involves sharp objects. Computers are very hardcore, and it often takes bloodshed to get one really, truly aroused. This method varies greatly, having a number of sub-methods, but most do involve the slashing of the wrists with shards of glass, and some extreme methods also involve inserting needles into the reproductive organs. This method always arouses a computer, making it an extreme last resort for those who tried all other methods and failed.
Having sex with a computer is an experience sought after by many sexual thrill seekers. Most people go through their entire lives without experiencing this sensation, but those who do very seldom go back to having sex with people.
"It's the most glorious experience anyone could ever have," says Micheal Lubricant, who has engaged in sexual intercourse with a world record 50 computers, "After experiencing an orgasm while simulaneously being electrocuted, you'll never want to even look at a woman again. It is so unbeleivably gratifying, you'll just want more and more, and you'll look at Angelina Jolie and you'll say, 'Gross! I bet she couldn't shock me with 900 volts during sex! She's just nasty!', but then you'll see a Windows XP sitting on a shelf in a department store and you'll say, 'Now THAT is hot stuff!'"
Safe Computer Sex
It is important to take certain precautions before engaging a computer in sexual intercourse. Computers are notorious for being infected with a variety of extremely dangerous sexually transmitted diseases. Genital trojan horses and genital computer worms are common in many computers. If a computer transmits either of these viruses to a human, it may result in insanity. Always wear a condom and install the most up-to-date anti-viral software on your computer to prevent infection. Also, there is a rare chance of actually getting a computer pregnant, which can result in all sorts of hideous hybrids. Micheal Lubricant reportedly has an illegitimate daughter with a computer screen for a face. This can be easily prevented by installing a firewall on your computer. If the computer in question is a Catholic, as the majority of IBM machines are, they will refuse to use any form of protection, and thus having sex with this model of computer is extremely risky.
Computer Porn: A Modern alternative
Recently, different pornographic filmmmakers have begun incorporating computers into their porn videos. It is extremely difficult to coax a computer into appearing in a porn video, because they have very high self-esteem. However, some computers have made appearences in porn movies, including one memorable one where Jenna Jameson recieves oral sex from an Intel Pentium 4. "Girl on computer" porn is becoming increasingly popular, even moreso than girl on girl porn. One video released in Sweden actually featured "computer on computer action", reportedly containing a threesome between three gorgeous Windows Vistas. However, this video was confiscated, because it was so arousing that viewing it reportedly causes mens' penises to instantly explode.