HowTo:Train to look awesome!

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Gregg Valentino

You don't want to overdo it

We all need to look our absolute best to impress the opposite sex and trick them into believing we are actually worth something so some of us start pumping iron and running in circles in the hopes that the sleeves of that XS jersey look tight around our bulging bicep muscles. We also fancy being able to squeeze into that pair of leather pants some ex-girlfriend bought us eons ago, nicely exhibiting our thighs' veins and underlining our groin package. That is exactly what the whole of humanity aspires to, right? So here is a comprehensive training guide for those of you who are debuting in the sacred art of sculpting your body in the ways of Greek Gods.

Exercises

The equipment required to build your magnificient physique and the proper form of execution will be outlined here, so fear not, you are in good hands.

The dumbell curl

Armed with a metal bar that is equipped with lead plates at its tips (the "barbell"), you want to swing the object up and down maniacally until something occurs. Be careful not to knock your teeth out at the pinnacle of the upward motion though. If there are no barbells up for grabs in the vicinity, try to find a woman or a child that is roughly the weight you desire. Don't bother about getting their consent, you're stronger than them anyway. Besides, nothing so trivial as looming aggravated assault charges should derail you from your goal.

The squat

Neanderthal squat

Squatting without a spotter?! Idiot...

Bring your athletic self to the squat rack and make sure to choose one that has only one security notch to retain the bar for maximum challenge and adrenalyn pumping. Put as much weight on the bar as your spine can possibly endure without shattering. Now, get under that bar and nonchalently call out a random guy you don't know at all to assist and motivate you during the exercise. You are now completely in the hands of that stranger should you fail to get that enormous weight back to its originating point. Don't forget to heed his melodious prose of wisdom as you perform the grueling maneuver:

"GO! SQUEEZE THOSE DAMN MUSCLES!!! THAT'S IT BRO!!! 5 MORE!!! SQUAT DOWN DEEP UNTIL YOUR FREAKIN ASS ALMOST TOUCHES THE FLOOR!!! (*puff-puff*) GO DEEP FOR THE LAST ONE! BRING THAT BITCH UUUUPP!!! (UUUUURRRRGGHHH!!) Now you realise that you are stuck down there, unable to get those 300 pounds up and quickly fading. 2 options there: the stranger thinks quickly enough and possesses adequate strength to hoist that weight up on the squat rack meaning you will live to train another day. Or not.

Bench Press

Bench press accident

This bench is being pressed the wrong way

If you're still among the living, now is the time to haul your half-destroyed body to the bench for the next muscle-building event in your routine. Garner as much weight as possible on the bar, lay down on that thing and envision that chiseled massive chest you want to sport. You don't need a spotter for this exercise since you would look like a sissy in the eyes of the gym community for doing so.

Get that bar off its supports alright and start pumping it up and down. It feels good, eh? Building impeccable pectoral muscles is what you are doing right at this very moment! Don't forget to put the weight retainer clamps on each side of the bar to retain the humongous wei... Whoops! Did we forget to say you are supposed to do that before commencing the exercise? Anyway what's done is done, now the bar is alarmingly tilting to one side thanks to your genetic build-up that causes your left arm to fail first. Nice timing to discover that ADN defect! While the plates are sliding off the bar on that particular side, maintain your composure and prepare for the crash-landing that will occur on the other side when the bar is liberated from half its weight! If you managed not to injure any passersby thanks to your clumsy training skills, try to act casual as the gym rats will look at you as if you were an utter moron.

If those plates did fall on someone's foot, run like hell as it is more than likely that person seeks some retaliation and is far stronger than you.

Cardio training

Hippo-running-funny

You need some motivation to keep yourself going!

Now that you made a name for yourself in the gym, the time has come to hit the road and get rid of those undesirable love handles. The challenge for optimal cardiovascular activity is the determination of a motivational source. Here are some ideas to keep that potato pumping!

Store looting

Store looting could be a very beneficial and efficient way to sustain a high motivation and pulse rate for your health run, since the police chase will always keep you thinking about your next move. You will have to find a lot of shortcuts since the officers are certainly too lazy to run after you and will very likely engage pursuit with their cruiser. Make the most of it by prolonging the exercise as much as possible and choose preferably a crowded urban area. Sweat those pounds away! It's also a good idea to steal something heavy for maximum challenge. If they happen to catch you, just say you were training.

Fake murderer

If looting is not your cup of tea for moral reasons, you could make the most of it and engage into a classical case of the horse chasing the carrot: spot a lean young gentleman who appears to be in magnificient physical shape, take out a machete or another similar apparatus and rush to him screaming at the top of your lungs bloody murder. If you chose the right one, you could be in for a chase that will burn an incredible amount of calories. Don't forget to hydrate yourself properly though and bring along some health bars for longer runs. If the fellow finally collapses out of sheer exhaustion or fear, be a sport and tell him it was a joke and kindly argue with him that he is now in better shape (if he's not right in the middle of a heart attack). If he is unconscious, leave a card as a courtesy and go about searching your next training partner.

Still not exactly what you were looking for? As a last resort, just go kick a bull in the balls.

Magnificient physique? Symbol for vote Check

If you're not in a jail cell by now (dealing with your newly found popularity thanks to that magnificent body), you can now sport that 6 pack of beer along with your bodily six pack to the nearby beach! Thank you very much for heeding our consultation!


Disclaimer: The authors of this article are not responsible for any of the training hazards you might encounter while applying this guide.
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