HowTo:Tell the Difference between an American and a European car

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 21:01, June 9, 2013 by 12.39.114.168 (talk)

Jump to: navigation, search
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

In these increasingly globalised times, it's sometimes hard to see the real difference between two similar objects made in completely different countries. This is especially the case with cars: nowadays cars are produced all over the world, leaving people who try the find out about where the car came from clueless.

However, some differences will never disappear. This is essential in the biggest rivalry in cars of all time: that between American and European cars.

lwrs fggets


Now, you might think that that's little unfair, because those are the best models of the best companies, but let's take a look at the regular European car:

Volkswagen golf 07

Now, even though this is a car that any German dumbass can buy, it's still has the looks of a champion: the roundings are perfect, exactly where they're supposed to be and the decent price makes it even more fantastic. "Sadly most of the parts fall off if you take any sort of dip in the road." is an opinion held by the Americans, who make this kind of stuff up to make up for their awful car industry.


I guess that's what European looks are all about: quality as a number one priority. Quality that sometimes doesn't come cheap, but at least it works. Not only that, you can look at it all day long and you'll still never get tired of it. You wonder how they do it. You wonder "Why is this thing so damn good? Not only that, but why does it also work like a charm?" tsk

And I guess that there's only one answer to that: the human desire to better things, circumstances and life altogether. That's what European design aims for: To look even better than the last masterpiece.


Performance

Performance is also an essential when it come to cars. I've come up with three areas to measure performance:

It's two out of three, so there has to be a winner.

Speed

This one is a no-brainer. pie American roads have a top speed limit equal to the length of your mothers penis, But their cars are usually struggling to not break said limit, and when they do break said limit you see black smoke pouring out of the exhaust and bits of the engine flying down the road behind them as they start approaching the speed of light. Where as European roads allow the cars to drive as fast as they want, upwards of 3x10^8m/s but the only cars that actually make use of said lack of speed limits are cars that are $100,000 USD or more.

Handling

Aha, now let's take a random, 1/4 angle turn. Let's have both cars drive at the same speed and let's have them both not brake. Here's what will happen:

  • The European car will turn around the corner with ease. Hell, it's looks more dangerous than it really is. The driver can drink a cup of coffee, whistle a song, maybe read a news paper: his car will never crash. The only thing that can get damaged is the road or the laws of physics.
  • When a American car tries to turn around a bend, three things will happen:

1: Rear end starts shaking. 2: Car continues in a completely straight line. 3: Car completely fails to stop and buries itself in the nearest tree. Europe has to be a clear winner here.

Braking

Here's what happens to the two cars if they are to speed up to 60 mph/100 kph and are to brake suddenly for a road crossing duck:

  • The European car brakes really, really hard and stops at least half a mile before the duck. Perfection.
  • The American car brakes. It stops smoothly in front of the duck without burning out its brakes or eating up its tires and luxuriously rocks on its suspension for several minutes. It then explodes in an unrelated factory fault.

Europe STILL owns for the most part if you have the money and live alone. Who cares about size? Normal people, women, models, gun owners, Jedi, etc... are American's bigger people. Yes, because they have endless amounts of fat in their diet so a naturally larger car is required. Europeans, being normal people, can fit in to a car without the use of lubricant, a shoehorn or an industrial winch.

Size

American cars are basically batfuck insanely large compared to European cars. Most American "economy" cars can hold six Renault Espaces in just the back seat alone. The big reason for this is because Americans have fat, wobbly families and the fact that Americans are a bunch of lardy bastards which as said before can fit in to a tin can, but also Americans enjoy the occasional fuck in a car. They also enjoy drive-by's and hunting terrorists and drive-by terrorist hunts. It is for this reason alone that the government has mandated that all new models starting in 2009 will be equipped with Big Mac tables, mounted machine guns and Kevlar plating.

European cars, in keeping with European sensibility and a desire not to look like the A team, usually weigh less than the average American citizen. Because the average American citizen weighs in excess of 1,000 lbs. This being Uncyclopedia, you know that you're getting the most reliable data.

Safety

American cars have no lack of things known as 'safety features' including the massive bulk of most American cars protecting them in crashes; they're bumpers have also been design to withstand vehicular collisions up to 5mph, to assist females (and drunks) whilst parking. However American cars do not require safety features. This is because Americans themselves have evolved into having large crumple zones (ie.their body fat).

Durability

Even the smallest American cars look like they can tear through most any European car, due to their ridiculous size. However, they're also made of the cheapest plastic you can buy, so they crumple up nicely. Fortunately though, the bulk of your average American will ensure that they have some safety.

Conclusion

Americans think they are lords of the road.

Jeremy-clarkson-$10639$180
Some less than reliable experts disagree.

Americans think that Europeans are quite naive to generalize Americans.

Most American cars are crap compared with European cars. But that's okay, because European cars would not be as cool if more Americans owned them.

An American with a European car is much better than a European with an American car as the former shows he has taste, money and power. The latter is trying to hide being a gay pansy by saying he can handle the "raw" "power" of a 9 Ltr, V12, 11 BHP American car.

Or you can just get a Japanese bike and rip the ass off both, still have time to catch a movie, and hook up some sweet ladies who are generally far more impressed with a nice bike anyway.

See Also

  • America Cars are at great value compared to European counterparts. They're fast, comfortable, tough, and if one ever fails it is affordable to fix. Plus American cars have the added value of being modified and improved. America builds the best muscle cars, and is competitive with European automakers as far as performance is concerned. The Corvette ZR1 is 200,000 dollars cheaper and available, while still beating most supercars built the same year. The Ford GT was a limited edition model that showed the exotic and performance aspect that captures the great ingenuity and taste that American Cars exhibit. The automatic gears ensure that driving them feels soggy and bovine
  • Europe The European automakers make solid luxury cars that break down and cost a fortune to repair. Their supercars are some of the best because they refine the interior with an unlimited budget. The price of gas in Europe and the size of the roads has affected the shape and size of cars more so than the waist line of the consumer. It's not that Americans are overweight and need larger cars but, that European roads are narrow, overcrowded and always winding. Unlike the clear empty freeways of LA or the streets of New York.
  • Car Say what you want about the comparison between European and American Cars. Japanese Car makers build luxury, economic, and performance orientated cars that push most of the car industry into the shadows. Toyota, Lexus, Nissan, Honda, and Subaru have demonstrated that reliability, luxury and performance can be achieved with consistency. Regardless of where cars are built they should be an extension of the consumer, not a symbol of money. American Cars give their owners a since of pride like the Japanese counterparts, but luxury European cars are just cool until the next model comes out, except for Lambo's and Ferrari's which are in a class of their own and overall timeless cars.
  • Britian The automobiles in The UK drive on the opposite side of the road which can cause of a lot of problems for tourists.
Personal tools
projects