HowTo:Teach a six-legged lame man how to jump rope

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When teaching a six-legged lame man how to jump rope the first consideration is the extent of the lameness and the length and speed of the rope. If the rope is too short or not spun with enough torque, the results could be disastrous. Legs and limbs and the knocking over of the vases and the drinks and the guy's just laying there. So do it right or don't do it at all.

Step One:Find or create a six-legged lame man

You don't just walk out on the street and find one, they aren't falling out of the trees you know (and if they were what a hell of a world it would be). You either have to search the net or the newspaper archives to find a six-legged man - a woman won't do because she'll balk at the x-ray. Then when you find him, and show up on his doorstep, make sure he's lame. You can hire a guy named Vinny for that, or it's a doityourselfer, either or.

If in all your due diligence you cannot find a six-legged man, you'll either have to find two three-legged men or three two-legged men. Strap them together, then lame them. Whistle while you work.

Step Two:Obtain a rope

You want your rope to be long enough to encircle the six-legged lame man but not too long or you're going to get too much slack in the middle. If it's not the right length you may have to hire pro-twirlers, and who wants to spend that kind of money? A tip: A good jumprope is just long enough to rotate once per syllable of whatever rope-jumping song you're planning on using.

Remember, if the rope is too thin or too thick you may get some ropeburn on your six-legged lame man as it scrapes his arms, scalp, and face. or worse case scenerio, rope-burn-slaps him across his neck.

Step Three:Hire some kids to twirl the rope

Use girls for this step, they seem to be naturals. Comes with the territory. Just grab a couple in the playground, flash some money, and explain the job. Don't be surprised if they bring along a nerd to vid the whole thing and it ends up on youtube.

Step Four:Now shove your six-legged lame man into the twirl

Shove him hard. And then there he is, in the middle, and the kids are twirling, and the legs are flopping like broken propellers every which way, and all the kids laugh and laugh, and you laugh and laugh, and nobody gets any work done the rest of the day.

A slower and more boring technique is to actually teach him something about jumping rope. Sit the six-legged lame man down and diagram the moves he is expected to learn: The jump (some call it a hop, a leap, a.k.a. a whipperwhill airball, King's X, and "the Grover"), and the subsequent return to the ground due to gravity (a.ki.a. the pull of the earth, a.k.a. the hangman's friend). Being lame he will have to learn to live with pain, so teach him how to do that. Pain him, pain him for a long time and in various ways. Painkillers or cortisone shots may keep him hopping over the rope for awhile, but this is called "juicing" in the jumprope game and is frowned upon by most serious fifth-graders. Keep your SLL man working and he'll eventually become quite good at jumping rope, because practice makes perfect - or so my girlfriend keeps hoping (I call her "The Optimist").

Finally, when all is said and done, the game is afoot (or six foots), and you can enter your six-legged lame man in schoolyard competitions. Just remember to bring plenty of socks.

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