HowTo:Talk Like a Religious Fundamentalist on the Internet
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“These fundamentalists don't respect other people's opinions, stupid religious nutbags.”
“How Dare you shitfuckers slag us! Satan Will Come For You!!!”
Fundamentalist (f n d -m n tl- z t) adj & n
- Usually a member of a religious movement or point of view characterized by a return to fundamental principles, by rigid adherence to those principles, and often by intolerance of other views and opposition to secularism.
- A handful of wackos that feel it is their duty to take it upon themselves to force their over the top beliefs on other people who actually have the capacity to think for themselves. Do not confuse with a casual religious person.
- See stupidity (virus).
How often do you wake up and say that this planet sucks, or at least the people do? Not often? Well let me change that. On our happy little planet are a strange and curious species of human known as the fundamentalist. These are know to come in all shapes and sizes and can physically blend in with a crowd with ease, they are a dangerous evolution of humankind that surprising goes backwards in time to become more primitive and less intelligent, with a strong longing for violence and a need to hate other people. Their main intention is to take over the planet and ensure that we are all as miserable as themselves.
Fundamentalists (or ‘Fundies’) are people who have be struck down by the most common disease on the planet, stupidity. While one could conclude that this would mean that their actions are not their own fault the fact that stupidity is a, and possibly the only voluntary disease on the planet shows that fundies are more than responsible for the disaster that is modern day intelligence and western society as a whole.
Fundies are like the common fly, but imagine that his particular breed of fly was poisonous to eat so it serves no purpose on the food chain. This means that its only purpose on the planet is to eat, breed and annoy the crap out of everybody. It’s one of those creatures that since it serves no biological purpose you would think it would be and endangered species but instead its numbers continue to thrive and multiply. Who knows, it may have even been genetically engineered as a joke that got out of hand and those scientists that created it are now in a lot of trouble watching their joke grow to monumental proportions in an attempt to take over the world by spreading the stupidity virus and rendering everyone incapable of creating their own thoughts.
Unfortunately the self appointed ‘capital of the world’ America has the largest infection rate of not only the fundie population but also the debilitating virus that comes with them. Proof of this is the large number of fundie religions and ‘points of view’ that is shown in the existence of:
A. The theory (and I use the word theory in the loosest of terms) of Creation (Also known as Creation ‘Science’), or the belief that the whole world popped out of nowhere in just six days and that evolution is a lie. Simply put it is a belief that doesn’t let billions of years of evidence and cold hard fact not to mention a dash of logic get in its way.
B. Scientology. Seriously who’s going to believe this unless they are either on drugs or more likely they are infected with stupidity.
However if for what ever reason, say you’re an undercover agent investigating a fundie organisation or your just a concerned citizen who just wants a place to belong and people to fit in with. Here’s you guide on:
edit How to talk like a religious fundamentalist on the internet!
Here’s our starting message:
Hello fellow internet explorers, I have notice your organisation through my adventures in cyberspace and I must say that I’m quite interested. Might I request the honour of becoming a member of your fine establishment?
(WOAH! No-one is going to believe that, looks like it needs that magic touch).
Step 1: Time to dumb it down a notch. Don’t ever underestimate the value of incorrect spelling and grammar. This will reinforce the fact that you are a sufferer of stupidity and will help to show to other fundies that you are like them.
i.e. hi u guys rox i lik totly luv u i whunt to sine up!!1!
(That’s quasi believable, but it needs more work).
Step 2: When leaving a message to anyone make sure that you always insert some vague reference to what ever religion is involved. If the above didn’t work this will convince them.
i.e. hi u guys rox i lik totly luv u & jesus i whunt to sine up!!1! yay God!
(That’s better, it’s getting closer now).
Step 3: If applicable add all unnecessary slang and or swear words that are possible wherever possible, ‘fag’ is a good choice for beginners since fundies hate homosexuals. Make it as insulting as you can to the target of your choice. Don’t worry if it doesn’t make sense, you’re a fundie now you have to get used to that.
i.e. hi u guys rox i lik totly luv u & jesus i whunt to sine up unless there are fags I h8t fags gay tay sux !!1! yay God!
(Wow I can already feel my brains dribbling out my ears!)
Step 4: The final step and possibly the most necessary. Simply take random groups of words and place them at a different location. Repeat until satisfied and stir in 3 parts intolerance and stupidity.
i.e. hi yay God! i luv u & jesus u guys rox i whunt to sine up i lik totly h8t fags gay tay sux !!1!
Wow! With that easy mix we get a comment that is both stupid and discriminative! We’ll have those fundies eating out of our hands in no time!
Here are some other examples I have prepared earlier:
Before: I believe that all people are equal and it is a person’s choices that define them.
After: u fag only god is real cos u were molestered aas a kid I love god u suk u r rong u r gay u go 2 hell I wil pray 4 u!!1!
Athiest: I don’t believe in god.
Intelligible response: Well though I respect your opinion and your ability to stand up for what you believe in a religion dominated society I have to disagree with you opinion due to the fact that I do believe in god.
Fundie!: cos u got raped by teh devil and u are imoral u r a bad person i hope u die cos u wil go 2 hell and i laugh and pray 4 u u stupid fag homo i bet u r going 2 hell u will sufer and DIE!
With just quick review of the 4 step program you can be transmitting stupidity like the most skilled fundie in no time! Now feel free to go online and use your newfound skills to drive the world into another stone age! YAY!