HowTo:Take care of the dog

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Before we go, there are some things you must know about our dog, Bella, in order to take care of her when we're in Fiji. We will be gone for a while, so the information I give you will be VERY IMPORTANT. I don't have time to write this all down so I hope you're listening. Bella is an uptight kind of girl for a dog. Everything must be neat and tighty -- stop laughing, boy! I didn't say "titty" -- anyways, you mustn’t do anything out of order or... unusual. We will be monitoring you from our disclosed location, which is why you can not screw around while Bella is in your care. Don't forget; you are alone on this task.

edit Bella

So, the most important thing you must remember is that every day at 6 AM and 6 PM, once every 12 hours, you prepare Bella's medicine for her to consume. These yellow tablets in this dish on the counter; feed one of them each on the aforementioned times. Bella is quite aggressive when it comes to her medicine, so grab her by the collar so she won't squirm. She does have the tendency to bite you on and around the leg and crotch while grasping her in this fashion. You must act as her master, and in time she will subdue herself. Feed her the medicine quickly before she changes her mind and bites your hand, otherwise it'll have to be a suppository which you'll have to handle manually.

Tip

Bella the dog is very gassy at both ends. It's up to you which end you prefer to deal with; it could get very messy either way.

Actually, I would just stay away from her anus. It could be because of some medical condition, but there are a lot of flies around that area. You know what I mean? Well... She has an infestation. Well, you see Bella has intestinal parasites; I looked it up on Wikipedia. Once in a while you can see a fly or more come out her anus. Yes, it's very unfortunate, but at least I won't have to deal with it-Not that it'll be a problem, my boy!-Except for her constant anal leakage... Don't you worry! It takes less than an hour to clean up... depending on how much she moves around the house... Oh, come on! Don't cry! I'm paying you good money for this kind of care for my doggie-woggie! My Bella!

And you should keep an eye on her gagging... and puking. At least she does it less than her ass does! I'm not sure what's worse, but I think you may have to deal with both vomiting and leakage. She's old, boy. The elderly need this type of care from such a sweet kid like you. I'll need this care too at some elderly age! Ha! Oh, sorry. I thought that was funny. You look like you're going to puke too.

You should now know that Bella does have some medical conditions. You'll need to let her out of the house at every hour and back in every half-hour so she can get her breaths of fresh air. Hold her collar so she doesn't run off and hook her to the leash outside. Make sure she doesn't get tangled up in the leash or around the trees while out and about. The fresh air should be good for her hacking cough she has -- oh my poor baby! Poor baby! I love you, Bella! Oh, yes I do! Walk Bella around the house about 2 or 3 times for her daily exercise. You will need to stock up on plastic bags too, because of her droppings. An angry neighbor once told me to euthanize Bella because of how big her poopies were! That bitch, pardon my French! Also, she’s a big girl so she might get exhausted; otherwise, you’ll have to carry her inside. I already let the air conditioner on to about 60 degrees Fahrenheit so she does not have another heat stroke. My, my, my, was that a nightmare... By no means are you to touch that air conditioner, or I will have your head!

Every time Bella drinks from her water bowl, replace it with fresh, clean water. She needs to drink, but it’s hard to get her to, so you’ll have to be the one to show her. Just tilt your head and take a drink, keep going till she does, or she’ll attack you for taking her water, we’ve had that problem in the past. There are chopped pieces of beef in the refrigerator for Bella. Feed them after her medicine. Unfortunately, I only have enough for the first half of today, you'll need to go out and buy the rest by yourself.

edit Home away from home

I would've lent you some cash, but I'm using that for my airplane ticket! Anything you want for yourself or that Bella needs later on is up to how much money you brought here. I'm sure there are some friendly people around the neighborhood that'll pay you for work, whatever that may consist.

The local grocery store is 5 blocks down our street. It’s located in the harsh part of town. You know -- a ghetto. It’ll be 10 blocks there and back so you’ll have to run in order to keep an eye on Bella. You should do most of your time running primarily in the ghetto; you can’t trust a Negro in that part of town… I mean… you could be killed! Then who would take care of ol’ sweetie Bella?!

Dog mastiff

YOU FUCKING DOG!

Since you’ll be here taking care of Bella until we get back from Fiji, (I can’t believe I am still talking to this kid) you will need to find a way to and from school, wherever that may be -- what grade are you in anyway? Your mom and dad are both too busy to pick you up I heard. You can borrow my son’s bike if you’d like, although the wheels don’t turn very well. You would need to oil or grease it which I think you can buy at the store I had mentioned. Is it possible to ask your teachers to get out of school a little early? I mean, Bella’s home alone waiting for someone to take care of her!

What would be really great is that you two could sleep together! It would be good for both of you! Actually, it’s more to help Bella sleep so she doesn’t have another bad dream. She twitches a lot when sleeping. Dr. Niederhuber couldn’t diagnose anything! If anything, he said it could be a preemptive seizure! MY BELLA! When she was a young pup she had constant seizures and couldn’t stop dry heaving! Make sure to have a bucket by her bedside and be prepared to cleanup anything that comes out of her. Promise, my boy! My house must be clean of her leftovers.

Bella loves television! She likes Green Acres and The Addams Family, both syndicated on channels 5 and 63. I swear they have marathons every day. She hates Leave It to Beaver, which is on after Green Acres so you must change it or she'll start barking with what's left in her. When you're cuddling with Bella at night, Scooby Doo is on channel 32. I've never actually seen her watch it, but I know she's listening to what's going on in the episodes.

There is one more thing I must mention before we go; I couldn’t stock the cabinets or refrigerator with human food because I had to save up for Fiji (the cruise is waiting!) Boy, do you look sad. Are you tired because it’s 5:30 in the morning? Trust me; Bella is loads of fun when she’s not sleeping for most of the day.

Okay well, have fun! We’ll be home in a month!

edit How to take care of the owner

Tip

If the pay for taking care of a dog is less than you expected, burn their house down!

Oh, good to see you, my boy! Fiji was amazing! I met a little monkey butler! He was so cute! But he stole my plane ticket. I was able to get another one after a month of trying to get a refund. I couldn’t tell you how frustrating it was to explain a monkey butler stole my plane ticket. So how's Bella? No, I'm asking how Bella is, not you. You look like hell, boy. Where is my furry little muffin! Sleeping? Well, that's just like her. Well the fam's unpacking the van, maybe you could go and help. No? What do you mean? Alright, I guess I could pay you now since you did stay and help take care of Bella for 2 months. How's 30 bucks sound? Not a penny less. It's not enough? Well, I'm broke after Fiji -- Don't yell at me! Well how was I supposed to know she was going to eat all of your groceries -- and poop on you while sleeping? That's gross, you look clean to me. Wait, is the bed okay? It's not stained? Wow, you just look tired as if you haven't slept in weeks! Oh, you haven't... Well -- Please! Stop screaming at me! What are you doing with that blowtorch?! No, what are you doing! AH! You're burning my house down! Stop, boy! No!

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