HowTo:Take a dump
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The hobby (or art, as many argue) of taking a dump has been, for many millenia, one of the most universal and globalised aspects of human life. Only bested in longevity perhaps by kitten huffing or squirrel hunting, the origins of dump-taking can be traced as far back as Homo-erectus times, or even jurassic times (according to Dr. Seamus Bonkergogovich, University of Reykjavik, although his research has been largely discredited since his habit of smelling people's heads was made public). Undoubtedly, taking dumps is a natural aspect of all humans/near-humans.
As aforementioned, crapping is not only refreshing and mentally stimulating but also a social activity apt for all ages. It is recommended to practice it on a daily basis,khgher even if you share the moment with friends, or better still, taking it on a competitive level. The beneficial effects of shitting has been described many times, as it involves most of our organism and constitutes excellent physical exercise for legs, buttcheecks and several inner muscles surrouning the rectum. Frequent shitting is important for keeping a healthy digestive system. Also, shitting has been reported to act as an anti-stressive, anti-depressive and releases endorphins, which make you feel good, and adrenaline. Anyhow, it is essential to become skilled with the technique of proper shitting, as simply throwing your waste is hardly elegant and for some, unethical.
Due to the widespread globalization of this activity, it has acquired numerous terms of various origins and natures. Most countries or zones of the world have an original term for "taking dumps". For understanding of readers from different parts of the world, here is a list including most of the terms generally attributed to dump-taking.
- Pinching a loaf
- Taking a paper route
- Cleaning the pipes
- Cracking some porcelain
- Dropping the kids off at the pool
- Dropping the Browns off at the Superbowl
- Passing motion
Now that the formalities have been established, it is time to move on to the action. Please note that, whereas anyone can actually take a dump, not everyone can reach the level of dumping at first try. The true skill is acquired through much meditation and above all, practice. An experienced shitter can sometimes complete the work in less than 6 seconds, even under deep constipation and producing high-quality shit.
Here are listed the step-by-step procedure to proper shitting, as dictated by the ISF (International Shitting Federation).
- 1. Before actually beginning to shit, preparation is essential. Stretching your leg and gluteus muscles is a good idea. Otherwise you could end up with a shittypiece of crap, which could mean shame for you and/or any peers present.
- 3. Once you think you are all set, take a deep breath and focus. Close your eyes, sit up straight and start the push. If you are having trouble due to constipation or hemorroids, it is sometimes useful to imagine little green and grey men(remember that white light you saw while driving? Yes, that light.) inside your butt pushing the dookie out (thanks Turk).
- 4. Don't give up. Once you've started to push the shit out, you cannot stop, no matter what. And don't be alarmed by the occasional gas pocket. If you did, not only all the work so far will be lost up your ass again, but the shit will be deformed and will lose its qualitative value.
- 5. Once you feel the crap is out, you may relax your butt muscles and lay back. Feel free to admire your work at will.
Note: as a sporting rule, it is generally accepted that one ought to wipe after shitting. However, as of late years this custom has gained more rejection among many, being argued often that this is perfectly abstainable, so we leave this to your discretion.
edit World records
- Joe Bilda's's dumps are documented as the most destructive. The most known shits of Joe include the Chernobyll accident and, more recently, Hurricane Katrina.
- Justin Timberlake currently holds the Guinness world record of the fastest crap in history, having shat a 5-pound dung in 3.5 seconds.
- The largest crap record still remains under Leon Trotsky, with an astonishing 17-pound shit in one piece.