HowTo:Take Ecstasy

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You've just been given ecstasy by a complete stranger who, after telling you his complete life story, said that you deserved a big bag of drugs for having such a nice hat. You tried to tell him you didn't have a hat on, but by then he had jumped into the river to swim to Norfolk.

Most normal people would briefly think of the consequences before taking whatever this crazed lunatic just gave you. Do NOT do this! If you get caught with this amount of drugs on you, it could be great for your career! Swallow them all immediately. If you need water then just have some from the river, you pussy.

Coming Up

You may have noticed by the way the stranger's eyes seemed to have been swallowed by his pupils and the way that the river right next to you was in fact created by gallons of sweat pouring from his armpits that this drug seems to have some side effects. Do not worry. Not that you will be able to worry at the moment anyway. You may notice a strong urge to start conversations with strangers/inanimate objects around you. You must do this. A typical conversation whilst under the influence of this drug should go as follows;

You - 'Why hello there madam/my reflection in a shop window, how are you today?'

Person/window - 'Urm... ok i guess... <zips up purse>/...<smiles faintly back at you>'

You - 'Have you ever noticed how lovely the world is? The moon is so pretty. I saw a cartoon called Sailor Moon once, it wasn't that great. I actually thought about being a sailor in my youth, but I've never liked the taste of seamen. I saw a big boat on T.V. once though. T.V. is such a great invention, isn't it?'

Person/window - '...It's pretty good I suppose... <backs slowly away>/...<the reflection looks slightly smaller and more worried>

You - 'You know what else I saw on T.V.? Quantum Leap. It wasn't very good, but I only realise now how magnificent the concept of leaping through time is. What is the time? I had a watch once but i lost it. It was my dad's. I love my dad, do you love your dad? Family is very important. Did you ever see that programme called 'My Family'?'

Person/window - 'I... have to go now... BYE! <sprints off into the distance>/...<shatters>

You - 'What a lovely person/window'

Philosophical Phase

Now you are alone, it is time for some in-depth self-examination. Warning - this may cause you to realise that you should have seized every opportunity you have ever had to be friends with people and may cause you to ring absolutely everyone in your phone book. Do this now! Here's a couple of tips;

  • Make sure to ring everyone in your phone book, no matter what the time is. Not that you know, as that person ran off. Wait, it tells you the time on your phone. What a great idea. The people of Orange really are genii. And that 'Orange Wednesday' cinema offer was very useful. The film was ok, but the ending was a bit unsatisfying...(ad infinitum)
  • If you have rang a person 40 consecutive times without them answering, it is unlikely that they will. This is probably because their phone is on silent/they don't like you/you have already rang them and told them your entire life story.
  • You were expecting another tip, weren't you? Well a couple means two!

Gurning

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This is your face on drugs

Remember those happy, carefree times when you were a kid and used to pull silly faces in the mirror? No? Well, you're lucky, because you won't know how stupid you look now. You will definitely feel an overpowering urge to breathe deeply and try and eat the inside of your mouth. Do this at once! If your eyes roll back into your skull, chill out, take some more of that ecstasy. They'll be back in a minute, they're probably just seeing how lovely your head looks inside. Now is the time to try attempt conversation with another stranger.

You - 'Why hello...<contorts face>...there monsieur...<breathe deeply>...how are you this evening...?'<eyes roll back into the skull>

Monsieur - <Runs away>

You - 'Me? Oh, I'm fine...<breathes deeply>...I feel so good right now...<rubs body>...It's like there's...<chews on lower lip>...an orgasm in my body and everyone's <eyes roll back>...ran away?

Clubbing

By now you should be pouring with sweat, chewing uncontrollably, rubbing yourself, breathing as hard as you possibly can, muttering incoherent babble to any person/hedgerow in your path and dancing to the sound of your own footsteps. I think you know what to do. Go clubbing!

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