HowTo:Survive in a Video Game

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

So, you fear being sucked into a video game? Don't feel discouraged, being sucked into a video game is a common occurance, especially in frequent gamers. If you do get sucked into a video game, you will be unable to read this guide, so hopefully you have a good memory.

Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

edit How to avoid being sucked into a video game

Being a hardcore gamer has little to no impact on being sucked into a video game. However acting like one, ie being a halotard, will greatly enhance your chances. Except for MMOs, games you are sucked into will often have complex plotlines, or to compensate are popular games (such as Mario or Sonic). Minigame compilations are generally safe, as are sports games, however many have argued that these genres are not actually games at all, and are more deadly than being sucked into a real game.

Stay away from labs and anything to do with science. It also helps to stay away from magic books. If you are not sure if the book you have is magic, check if it is written in a writing you cannot understand. If so, avoid reading it and above all, do not wish to be inside a video game out loud. However in this case it is useful to wish for money, power, and more wishes, but not in that order. Once you have done so, the wish will come into effect immediatley after you have fallen asleep.

edit How to determine if you are inside a video game

So you got sucked into something anyway. Do not panic, this may not be a video game. Most of the time you have been sent to the past, absorbed into a book, or stuck in a movie.

  1. Check if you still have your normal clothes. If so, you are probably not in a game, however you may be in a movie or more likely the past. Usually being in the past means you have a severe character flaw you must resolve before you can return home, but check out a different guide for more information. Alternatively, if you are naked, you are also not inside a video game.
  2. Check if people can be impaled. In most video games, you cannot be impaled, you can only be stabbed and lose HP. If this does happen, you have been sucked into a TV show.
  3. Check if it feels anything like a video game. Is the environment fully interactive? Can characters act independantly? If so, you have not arrived in a video game. It is not uncommon, however, for TV characters to be sucked into video games, so you may be inside a fake video game in a real TV show.
  4. Check if there are lots of Mexicans, or people-animal hybrids. You have been sucked into PBS kids. You will know for sure it is PBS kids when you see talking animals, or seemingly dangerous mythical creatures that turn out to be completely passive.
  5. Check if characters talk in a single tone no matter what their expression is. Also check that good characters talk in a normal-pitched voice while bad guys talk in voices so low-pitched that they would make terrorists cry for not being evil enough. If this is true, you are likely in 4Kids. You were probably sucked into the tv and then sucked into a video game on the show. To make sure, look for extreme usage of puns and lots of evil clones.
  6. Have you been "chosen"? If so, you are not in a video game. Or they may have programmed the video game only for people that get sucked into it.
  7. Are all the girls nearby not wearing much clothing for an unspecified reason? If so, you are most definitely in a video game.
  8. Is the video game an unrealistic sci-fi game, usually involving giant robots? These games are nearly always played with a single button, with the amount of button mashing determining the skill of the player. These games are responsible for 90% of sucking people into games. However recent evidence reveals that these games dont actually exist and were invented for the sole purpose of sucking in fictional characters.
  9. Are you consuming a long, yellow fruit with a peel, or one that formerly had a peel? If so, you have not been sucked into a video game, but are actually eating a bannana. After successful consumption of the bannana, return to your everyday life. If consumption is unsuccessful, go see a doctor.
  10. check to see if people can talk to you. If a box appears below you with words in it along with your only two options of conversation, then you are most assuredly in a video game. quickly choose cancel to end your conversation.
  11. Try cutting yourself. If you do not bleed, but instead a number appears above your head, then you are in a video game (probably an RPG).
  12. If seemingly harmless animals such as turtles and mushrooms can kill you upon contact, then you are in a video game.

edit Assessing the situation

So you know you are inside a video game. But which one exactly? Chances are, you were recently playing or thinking about it. Since most of the time you have not completed the game you are sucked into, you will probably be unaware of the current situation.

The first step is to determine what your goal is. This is inversely proportional to the difficulty.

  • You want to save the universe. These games are easy.
  • You want to save the Earth. These games are still pretty easy.
  • You want to save your country. These games are meh.
  • You want to save your town. Usually hard.
  • You want to be the guy. Ignore all advice given by this guide so far and run to the nearest apple. Kill yourself by jumping into it.
  • You want to DESTROY the universe/earth/country/town/guy. Easiest ones available.
  • You want to get out of HorrorLand. Do so by finding all 6 ticket pieces. Hardest one available.

Now, the situation is probably sci-fi. Just in case, yell out "fire!" at the top of your lungs while pointing at an enemy. If a fireball comes out, you are in a fantasy game. To be extra sure, yell "fira!" to see if it is final fantasy. This will not work if you are a low level.

edit What to do

You have determined exactly where, when, and how screwed you are. Now is time to take action.

edit Cheat Codes

If the game you are in has any cheat codes, especially invincibility, be sure to use 'em. Also be sure to type in any damage multiplier cheats so you can pwn much faster. If cheat codes are not available, and have been replaced by friggin achievements, then be sure to look for useful glitches.

edit Dealing with the bad guy

Immediatley check if there are any characters from ancient times worthy of note. If so, check for an evil one. This character is the final boss. Sometimes they will appear at the beginning of the game, but most times they are summoned by a foolish bad guy who is soon overcome by the evil power of the ancient bad guy. If there are no ancient bad guys, then the villian is the good guy from ancient times who turns out to be evil.

Typically, these villans can only be destroyed with the incredibly powerful magic left behind on this world by the ancients before they disappeared for no given reason. Ancients tend to leave behind power crystals or other magic objects in the form of precious gems, and collecting about 7 of these should suffice. It is recommended that if the ancient evil has not yet been awakened, you should place the crystals in different hard-to-reach places. Most people choose a desert, a snowy mountain, a haunted house, a volcano, a jungle, a city, a conspicuously placed cave in someone's cellar, and a castle. If you do not put them all in different places, they will be found and scattered by the evil villans anyway and put in even harder places.

Usually the magic sword can be found in a pedestal in a forest. The old guy at your home village will tell you how. But you should ignore his "wisdom" and just focus on the part about where it is, since old guys like to talk about stuff nobody cares about.

Should you encounter the ultimate bad guy early in the game, accept your death. You will soon wake up unconscious on a bed nearby, despite dying. Or more likely, the ultimate good guy will appear seemingly out of nowhere to save your ass upon your miserable defeat.

edit Other information of note

First and most importantly, destroy all friendly robots. They WILL turn evil if you don't. Also destroy all secret information, since it will be uncovered. Unless the good guy base is of any importance (mainly if the game is a strategy game), it's highly recommended you flatten the whole thing.

Gather up as much stuff as possible. It should all fit in your pocket. If the game has a status effects system, dont use it because it never works. Make sure to check each local town for weapons and armor stores. Typically a town looks like this:

  • 1 inn. Here you can listen to drunks, which is always half the town.
  • 1 weapons store. Always more powerful than the last town you went to.
  • 1 armor store. Stronger than the last town too.
  • 5 citizens walking in circles. They enjoy bringing up irrelevant topics when you walk near them.
  • 0 houses. No one really knows where these people live, sleep, or work, they just do.
  • 1 secret building. Its hard to find, but treasure is inside!
  • 1 castle bigger than the entire town, just for the purpose of the king and his military which is bigger than the entire population yet does nothing.
  • At least 1 person who is essential to your quest and has an actual name that isn't labeled as "man" or "woman".
  • 1 or more characters who join you on your quest. usually they are obviously outstanding from the rest of the townsfolk.

Unlike in movies, bombs do not have glitches that cause them to stop at 0:00:01. So hurry up if someone is about to blow something up. If one does explode, you will be completely unharmed by the shrapnel. And remember, being impaled wont kill you.

edit Degrees of absorbtion

  • First degree: You got sucked into your computer, which happened to be playing a game. Scream at people who pass by to let you out, and pray that it dosent go on screensaver. If someone does find you, they should be able to get you out from the USB port.
  • Second degree: You got sucked into the game while playing it. Same as first degree, but there is no screensaver. However there is no USB port either. To get out, someone else will need to download you on to a memory card and press the convenient button on the card for "release human".
  • Third degree. You got sucked into the game disc. The only real way out is to beat the game.
  • Fourth degree. The world turns into the game! You better beat it, or everyone is collectively screwed.
  • Fifth degree. The game turns into the world! You better collectively screw everyone, or the game will be beaten.
  • Sixth degree. The game has been huffed. There's really no way to get out of this one.
  • Seventh degree. There's no way to actually get out of this one. The only way is to get out of Horrorland.
Personal tools