HowTo:Survive a public washroom

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Imagine this, you're playing in the park or at the beach, somewhere a good distance away from a building when suddenly, nature calls. Your first instinct is to run to the washroom when you realize that it is a PUBLIC ONE!!!! If you've ever been in this situation, this article is the help you need to survive any lavatories in parks, beaches or gas stations. (NOTE: I am aware that there is another article that is similar to this one called HowTo:Use a Public Restroom. However, while that one tells us how to successfully use one, this one tells all you n00bs how to survive one)

edit Why Shouldn't I Use a Public Washroom?

Generally, every single restroom from wherever you're reading this to the far reaches of space smell like dog crap chucked in a blender full of urine and shit and set to "liquefy". Inhalation through your nose will cause you to spontaneously combust from the shock. Also, no public washroom has ever been cleaned for approximately half of your mom's life (because that's when they were invented). In fact, if you stay for more than 5 minutes, you will drop dead from the radiation. Think about it for a minute, would you do your business in a place that has been defecated all over the walls and urinated all over the floors? Hmm?

edit But what if I REALLY have to go?

First of all, exhaust all other possible exits. Look for trees or bushes to pee on (or in) or if you're a girl, a bowl. If you have to evacuate your bowels, look for a pile of dog crap so that way, if someone finds it, they can blame a dog. Use leaves as toilet paper BUT MAKE SURE THAT IT IS NOT POISON IVY! It's better to relieve yourself in the night time than the day time when everyone can see you. You should also avoid populated places like highways or snack bars and instead run deep into a forest or something. Oh, and if you're caught and they don't leave, fire a couple drops their way. Or you can use the old method of holding it in (not recommended).

edit I Can't find an escape route!

Don't panic. You'll just wet yourself that way. Double check that you for sure cannot find another option because entering that place is a huge risk (Chuck Norris's mother died in an outhouse). Now, before charging inside, you should use whatever few precious seconds you have to grab a couple objects for the following (which will be noted). If somehow you are to die at any of these steps, stop reading.

edit How to enter without dying

You will need:

  • Shoes, socks or sandals
  • Towels
  • Seaweed and Bark

Before you step foot into the dragon's lair, make sure you have something on your feet. You don't want to know what has been on the floors there. Barefootedness applies most on beaches. Slip on your shoes, socks or sandals before running there (they don't have to be yours). You could also wrap towels around your feet or tie on some bark with seaweed but you'd have to burn them later.

edit How to do your business without dying

You will need:

  • Paper towels
  • nose plugs
  • As much Lysol as you can carry
  • Scuba gear (recommended)

Once you get inside, DO NOT BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE! Insert your nose plugs and scuba tank and walk inside. If you can't obtain any scuba gear, just hold your breath. If you have to take a number 1, get in and out as fast as you can. Get to the nearest urinal, let loose, and run out. Don't wait in line and if you must, use the sink. Don't even bother to wash your hands (they recycle the water) and just do it later. if your a girl or you have to relieve anal pressure, find an empty stall QUICK (remember, you're racing the clock). Flush the toilet WITH YOUR FOOT. Don't even look inside to make sure there is nothing. There always is something. Bring as many paper towels as you can and fire half of your Lysol onto (not into) the toilet. Place your towels on the seat and sit. Make sure you don't use all of them. When you finish, wipe your self not with the half-ply toilet paper but with your paper towels (it won't be comfortable but it will get the job done). If you must, use the flimsy paper but use a whole handful or so. Don't worry about clogging it because it won't. Those things have the power to warp whatever's inside into the 7th dimension (which consists entirely of human excrement). When you're done, you can choose to flush with your foot or you can JUST GET OUT OF THERE! Leave your paper towels and use the remaining Lysol to clear a path to the door. Once your outside, congrats! You've survived the public washroom!

edit If You Liked This, You'll Like These!

Personal tools
projects