HowTo:Survive a ninja attack

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 21:35, August 30, 2012 by 24.138.145.250 (talk)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Gorillatrans HowTo 
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
As pointed out in the main ninja article, being attacked by a ninja is pretty bad in the first place. But here, I will explain the bare minimum of surviving a ninja attack (but if you’re attacked by Sho Kasugi, Ryu Hayabusa, Matt Hopgood, Chuck Norris, Donatello the turtle, Hotsuma from Shinobi, or Scorpion, you might just as well paint the wall with your brains, because, you're screwed…)
Scorpion

Piss this guy off and he's going to desintergrate you, de-desintergrate you, chop you into a million pieces and then urinate on your remains!


edit General Hints

First, remember in mind the rules displayed of ninja avoidance in the main article. If they don’t work, remember these:

  • Ninjas can't catch you if you're on fire, so catch you some fire.
  • Always have a cup of tea before walking into a hotspot of ninjas! It's essential energy and will temporarily arm you with super powers.
  • Be armed with Oscar Wilde and Douglas Adams quotes, you'll need them to outwit your enemy.
  • Watch the shadows! Ninja could be anywhere, so keep your eyes peeled unless you want to be decapitated, dissected, urinated upon and hanged. They could be hiding in that drain, or in a tree, or they could be right behind you as you read this and you’re just too dumb to notice!
  • In Mortal Kombat with a ninja, don’t let him get hold of a weapon. The only thing more dangerous than a ninja is a ninja with something sharp and stabby. Remove ANYTHING that can be used as a weapon out of mr Japaneseus cut-throatius assassinus’s reach. Other wise he’ll freak out with a parasol, dumbbell, digital camera, microscopic organism, baseball bat with 9 inch nails through it, computer virus, (or if he’s a stereotypical ninja) the mother of all swords, any thing that is physically possible to pick up. Being impaled on a giant amusingly shaped plastic cactus is not a pleasant way to die.
  • Ninjas can use anything as a weapon. Remember that! Don't let them near a vase of petunias!
Plastic cactus

A ninja can obliterate with this. may it haunt your sleep.

  • Especially if you belong to a Pirate organization, a ninja shall not feel any form of mercy. If you beg for forgiveness,

you may just be lucky to get less than a chuck norris beating

  • Jib's Box O' Peanuts Won't Help! The Ninjas Are More Superior Than a Box Of Peanuts!
  • One ninja attacking and your chance of survival will be minimal. Two ninja attacking and you are practically screwed. Anymore and such a force will hit you that you will become your very own mother. Guns they will never use, because they are so bad ass.
  • Coolest ninjas in the history of the world are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Mainly Michelangelo Period.
  • Before every Successful kill they yell "RUFIO".
  • Ninjas Helped with every series of power rangers that had Tommy in it and thats why they were so good except Dinothunder that one sucked

edit Unarmed Combat

Ok, so you’ve identified your ninja, it’s not any of the above 3, and he hasn’t got any weapons. Now what? If movies, video games, internet movies, or [insert other form of multimedia] are anything to go by, ninja are the ultimate hand to hand fighters, aside from Chuck Norris. Oh wait Chuck Norris isn't that good at anything anymore besides selling total gyms which are the bomb. A ninja can kick you in the teeth 249.09 times a second, and reduce a Californian redwood to a tooth pick in seconds with just their index finger. They can bring down 2000 demented protesters without a single one noticing. They are masters of ownage, so don’t get beaten up for God's sake! Believe me, getting punched, kicked, kneed, head butted, thrown, or any other form of attack from those guys is like eating a Big Mac in a McDonalds:

  1. it's messy,
  2. it's thoroughly unpleasant, and
  3. your mortality rate instantly rises above 100%.
  4. You also have multiple orgasms 200%.
  • In a hand to hand combat scenario, it's recommended that you learn a good martial art.

Like the move where you rip a mans heart out his butthole or perhaps the fancy move from "Fist of the North Star," were Ken punches that dude 100 times till he explodes then Ryu comes in and pisses on the exploded pieces of dude and yells "SCORE BORED". No? How about learning to throw a very well concealed knife with a rope attached at the flipped out warrior, Scorpion style? (Use with caution, Scorpion will beat seven shades of shit out of you for stealing his move.) Be smart; don't get your face ripped off.

edit Ninja Speed

  • Remain in eye contact, move your head in closer and initiate the makeout session. Firmly grab the thigh and move your hand toward the genitalia. Lose gaze for a second and you’ll have a shuriken in your face, a poison dart in your jugular and a ninja sword in your spine, and unless you are a complete Jake McDonald, you'll definantly feel it. Keeping eye contact can be hard, especially as ninjas can move at warp 5. The fact that he can outrun the USS Enterprise is bad enough, now he has a sword/anvil/rabid dog/grand piano/vegetable or other implemants of destruction and he is pissed. The way to beat this handicap is to play and master Cubefield 2 without cheating. That goodnessdang ship moves so fast that even a pimped up Millennium Falcon would roll over and die at that speed. But, if you can avoid all the stupid squares for a whole 24 hours, you can focus your eyesight on the ninja, and his light speed moves will be useless. (Unless he blinds you with a smoke bomb, then you’re pretty much screwed). As has been said, make sure you've already drank a warm cup of tea, it is proven to raise your reaction times and give you super awesome mega powers allowing you to keep up with ninja speed.

edit Defense Against a Flying Ninja

  • Everyone knows ninjas can fly. So if you can, get a stinger missile launcher, than blast him into oblivion. But beware, there’s nothing stopping him nailing that missile and sending it back and wiping the smug look off your face, so be ready to move!
  • If a ninja is flying at a high speed towards you them you must leap into the air and perform a super somersault which will spin the earth on its axis and reverse time to before the ninja began to fly. Hit him then.
  • Use your phone-a-friend to call Chuck Norris, then FUCKING RUN BEFORE HE'S FINISHED CLEANING UP THE PEICES OF NINJA HE LEFT BEHIND!!!
  • On second thought don't call Chuck Norris he can't do shit make a machine to bring Bruce Lee back from the dead cause he hates the shit out of ninjas.

edit Use of Horror Stories

  • As explained in the main article, ninja are scared shitless of ghost stories. So, memorise any of Stephen King's books, word for word, and tell it to him mid fight, breaking his concentration. While his guards down, let him have it! (Having sex with a ninja ghost is just a wet dream perverts)

edit Kicking Their Booties! (if possible)

  • Hinder his abilities. Excellent eyesight? Throw sand in his eyes. Excellent smell? Break his nose. Expert puncher? Snap his elbows. Snap their legs, kick their shins, break jaws, throw phone books at them. Do whatever it takes to hinder them. Of course, these won’t work against the following ninjas:
;1. Scorpion. 

He’s already dead, therefore he can’t feel pain, but if Sub-Zero shows up up might have a chance

2. Joe Musashi

He'll just cheat and blow himself up, before reconstructing himself and doing a better job at it than the NHS will ever do.

3. Ryu Hayabusa.

Will 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 hit combo your ass before you can blink.

5. Rafael, the Ninja Turtle

Try and trip him up so that he falls onto his turtle shell back. Laugh in his face as he lies there, unable to get up.

6. real Asian ninjas
  • don't listen to that above statement if you trip him on to his back he could do the thing from the movie where he spins around kicking shit.

List of weak crappy guys

1. (not capitalized) chuck norris 2. Olimar

edit If All Else Fails...

Ninja

This could be you!

  • If all else fails, you must become a ninja. I know it’s a pain in the arse, but believe me; it's worth it in the end. You can run at warp 4 (I know I said warp 5 earlier, I was being dumb!), use shuriken like no other, and jump viciously on co-worker's desks, and they can’t do anything about it, because you’re a ninja! but if you can't be bothered, and If worst comes to the worst, pay another ninja to do it for you. Of course, ninja mercenaries don’t get out of bed for less than 20 grand, so you had better hope your the owner of microsoft, if you need some ninja arse kickery on your side.
  • If you wish to seek further advice on becoming a ninja please go to 10 Downing Street and seek out the master ninja: Ronnie A. Mitchem Jr. aka RJ. He'll teach you the art of awesome ninja-ness and also how to make an excellent cup of tea. If you're lucky you may be taught how to bore your enemy to death!

edit End Note

OK so you can't actually survive a ninja attack but this is a way of hopefully surviving for an extra few seconds.

Hopefully you remember these helpful tips, and if not, and you think this is bullshit, then you are a very stupid person. I am a ninja, and I’ve told you how you can beat us if possible and yet you’re sitting there going [in stupid nerdy or chavvy voice] ‘yeah right. I could beat some stupid ninja just by punching him blah blah blah…’ yet if you have taken this in, I have to kill you, for I cannot let this info get out. I can't kill you though cause my mom won't let me leave the basement.

   v  d  e
Icons-flag-piPIRATES AND/OR NINJASIcons-flag-pi

Pirate StormtroopersCaution NinjaClinjaGreat Pirate-Ninja conflictGuitar NinjaHowTo:Be a PirateHowTo:Create Laser Ninja SharksHowTo:Survive a ninja attackInternational Talk Like A Landlubber DayLong John Silver'sNinjaNinja/Laws Ninja conspiracyNinja GaijinNinja InsuranceNinja ManagementNinja PirateNinja-Pirate Assembly of GodThe One PiratePiratePirate kingPirate Liberation OrganizationPirate NinjaPirate radioPirates versus NinjasPirate-Ninja WarPontius PirateReal Ultimate PowerRobot NinjaSid Meier's Pirates!Talk Like A Pirate DayTMNTTeenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesTortugaUnBooks:Bloopy's Pirate DictionaryUnBooks:Ninja Attack Machine Gun FrostyVikingsVideo PiracyWindows Vista Pirated Edition

We're keeping this G-rated! =D ok... maybe just PG.]
Personal tools
projects